I think I should be the replacement for Andy Rooney on “60 minutes.” As everyone has heard, Mr. Rooney has announced his retirement stating that this Sunday will be his last show. Now, I know that Jeff Fager, Chairman of CBS News and “60 Minutes” executive producer recently stated: “There’s nobody like Andy and there never will be.” But can I try? Please? Pretty please?
I mean, there are some similarities:
- We both complain a lot. Well, okay, my husband would probably say I would win this one but why even try to hire someone with a terminally sunny outlook when I am so ready to jump in and continue the bitch-a-thon immediately?
- My desk at work is as messy as Andy’s. And the reason I know this is because I watched his short essay one Sunday that featured his messy desk and showed how he had to have help in getting stuff moved off and onto the floor before filming. Not only do I also have stacks of papers and stuff all over the place – I actually have to have Karen, my office assistance from a previous job, fly all the way to Ohio from Las Vegas once per year to help organize my desk. Luckily she does this willingly as I would trust no other with this task nor could I probably find anyone else willing to do it. (Note to Jeff: Karen would also need to be added to the “60 Minutes” payroll).
- I am fully prepared to write 1,616 short essays. This is the number I have estimated I will need to fill Andy’s shoes (research states he was hired in the fall of 1979. 2011 – 1979 = 31 years. 31 years X 52 weeks per year = 1612. Add the four months for the ending of 1979 and you get a total of 1,616). I have an MBA degree; I can do the math. Do I get extra credit for that?
- Pick a topic; any topic and I can respond will a complete monologue in less than 20 minutes.
- I want free stuff. Lots and lots of free stuff.
Okay, so I will concede that there are some things that I simply will not be able to pull off:
- Those eyebrows. Well, I could but I would probably look pretty stupid.
- I don’t keep stuff. So while I want all the free stuff, I would most probably give most of it away. But I would definitely let CBS take the tax break on it.
- You could remove all the bookcases in Andy’s office. I am a voracious reader but rarely do I keep any books once I have read them. I prefer to periodically put them all in a box, affix media postage and mail them to friends and family.
- I don’t have much television exposure. Well, I am featured as “a family member who runs out of the audience” when my nephew, Ryan, won on Wheel of Fortune but I would absolutely understand if you didn’t feel this totally qualified as TV experience.
So, Mr. Fager, please accept the attached resume as application for the position of weekly news essay reporter/entertainer to replace Andy Rooney on “60 Minutes.” And don’t worry; I won’t quit my day job until I hear from you.