Directionally Challenged

I am so screwed. On my way into work this morning there was a sign on my exit that stated: “On Nov 5th this ramp will be closed for two years.” Now, it took me weeks to learn my way to work. In fact, at the beginning I had to actually backtrack on the highway due to my confusion with all the construction. Which obviously is not going to end anytime soon. However, this does make me wonder if anyone can give two years notice. For example: “Honey, I am going through menopause for the next two years…deal with it.” Or: “Child, I am giving you two years notice that you have to leave home or pay mega-rent.” Let’s face it – time goes by way too fast to disregard using it to our advantage. Besides, how can anyone complain about getting two year’s notice about anything? Well, okay so back to my blog…

I am directionally challenged. Shortly after we moved to Miami I had to drive home from Tampa across Alligator Alley (when it was two lanes with swamps) and I got lost with no one to call. When I stopped at the 7-11 for directions, they just handed me a phone to call someone for help. Now, I don’t know about you but even I had my limits in admitting to anyone that I was lost trying to find my own house. I finally got smart and asked someone directions to the local mall. Now, that was not near my house, but if I got to the mall, I could definitely find my way home from there. Worked like a charm.

Once MapQuest and the online maps came out, that helped immensely. Although I still struggled with the silly north, south, east, west thing. And every time I went to Tampa, I got lost. My sister lived near the Tampa International Airport. One time I remember circling it four times trying to get to her house. The third time around when my five year old son told me we were going to the same place again, I snapped: “Just look at the damn planes, okay?” And I definitely did not take his advice later in the day when I discovered myself lost in a less than desirable neighborhood and he told me to “Go over and ask that group of guys for help.” I have even been known to follow cars just hoping they were going somewhere that would ultimately get me out of a neighborhood or to a main street that I recognized. (Note to self, when they pull over so you are forced to pass them you have freaked them out).

And I got so irritated when I would call my husband in Vegas for directions. Invariably his response was always: “Is the stratosphere on your right or is it on your left?”

So one would think that GPS would solve all my problems, right? Yeah. You know me. I still have absolutely no concept of distance. So while GPS lady (I prefer the Australian guy but let my husband win this one) may say to turn right in .2 miles, then 500 feet, then 200 feet I will still miss my turn because I am not 100% sure exactly which road it is referencing. I would do much better with the added description of “turn right at the next light with the Taco Bell on the corner.” But no, it can’t do that. All it can do is say, “Recalculating.” I’m waiting for the new and improved GPS what will have phrases like “If you weren’t going to listen to me, why did you turn me on?” or “Reminder! Chick-Fil-A is closed on Sunday” or probably what I really need: “WTF?”

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