Bite me

I have a very good friend visiting me from Las Vegas this week. Since this past weekend was full of Halloweenie events, I decided to treat her to some real Ohio experiences. First we went to the Niederman Corn Maze. Which had this great sign as soon as you entered. Not that it stopped us. We continually picked corn off the stalks and threw corn kernels during the whole maze experience. Couple things about that – the corn kernels were hard and fun to take off the cob but it hurt your fingers after a while; when you throw corn cobs into the field, it makes a great swishing corn noise; the original plan to leave a trail of kernels to find our way out of the maze absolutely did not work and most importantly: Dried corn cob silk looks just like pubic hair. Not kidding. (See picture). Okay so the corn maze was a little lame but it was nice weather and Karen and I got to spend a lot of time just walking and talking. We skipped the barrel swing, pillow jump and pet zoo. But we did participate in the hand water pump yellow plastic duckie race (I won). And I told my husband later that I did not appreciate his voicemail message on my cell phone that he was turning off all the phones and would not answer should I call him asking for assistance in getting out of the maze.

Then we were off to the “Haunted Cave” in Lewisberg. The cave is actually an old mine that they have converted with tons of scary surprises. Our first surprise was the announcement that there would be (and I quote) “Full body touching. Please do not curse, hit or otherwise endanger any of the staff working in the haunted mine.” I was okay with this but my friend, Karen, was quick to remind me that she channeled “Sheldon” and this whole touching thing may be an issue. Which I quickly poo-pooed because we had waited in a cold, dark line for over 45 minutes and we were going into the Haunted Mine, dammit.

And they weren’t kidding. We were forced to walk single file in complete darkness. As we walked over wooden bridges, hands would suddenly grab our ankles and legs. Seemingly inert stuffed scary beings would unexpectedly roar up and chase you. The wolf man really liked Karen and just wouldn’t stop walking directly behind her ignoring any sense of personal space. (Surprisingly Karen didn’t follow up on my suggestion that she should ask for his phone number. Okay, maybe not so surprisingly). My favorite was the crazy ass guy who ran after you spitting sparks from his chain saw. For the sake of safety I am going to go ahead and assume that there was not a real blade on the thing. When I asked Karen what her favorite part was she just said, “Bite me.” I interpreted that to mean that she really liked all the vampires.

I did completely miss the fact that if you walked around carrying a glow stick all that does is make you an easier target. So I gave it to the girl behind me.

We had play pee thrown at us from a zombie behind bars, a car with a very loud muffler suddenly drive up next to us (ah, the scent of car exhaust in an enclosed area), coffin lids that continually banged and a fenced wire maze that we simply could not get out of. It was great.

But the scariest part of the whole thing? Hands down that was having to use a porta-potty outside the mine in complete darkness.

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