2012 New Year Advice – Edited

Okay, here is the annual Happy New Year advice from Dear Abby.  And also included are my thoughts.  Because you know I have a few…


DEAR READERS: Welcome to 2012! While the last year has been tumultuous for many of us, a new one is here, bringing with it our chance for a fresh start.

Today is the day we discard destructive old habits for healthy new ones, and with that in mind, I will share Dear Abby’s often-requested list of New Year’s Resolutions, which were adapted by my mother, Pauline Phillips, from the original credo of Al-Anon:  And all I heard was Blah, Blah, Blah, my mother – have a drink.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will live through this day only. I will not brood about yesterday or obsess about tomorrow. I will not set far-reaching goals or try to overcome all of my problems at once. But sometimes brooding is fun and needed.  Sometimes having a pity party is soul cleansing.  Sometimes one needs to obsess just for the hell of it.  And personally, I can give you 23 self help books that ALL encourage setting “far reaching goals.”  So my “far reaching goal” for everyone is to win the lottery.  Notwithstanding that I would also go for a goal of having a job.  (Note: If you have to work for fast food, make sure it is at one where you don’t particularly care for the food).

JUST FOR TODAY:  I know that I can do something for 24 hours that would overwhelm me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime. Kind of like exercising.  Or eating fudge.  Wait, did I really say that?

JUST FOR TODAY: I will be happy. I will not dwell on thoughts that depress me. If my mind fills with clouds, I will chase them away and fill it with sunshine. Oh please, give me a fucking break.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will accept what is. I will face reality. I will correct those things that I can correct and accept those I cannot.   I am so sorry, but this means you will simply have to address your major obstacles.  If what you have been doing isn’t working, do something totally different. Hey, Dear Abby and I are in agreement here. There are only so much Ramon Noodles anyone should have to eat.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will improve my mind. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration. I will not be a mental loafer.  A mental loafer.  Really?  Isn’t there some percentage that applies here?  Can you be a mental loafer, like, 63% of the time?  Do you really have to read the Deli Lami – wait, isn’t that a sub sandwich?  How about Voltaire?  Antonio Gramsci? Durkheim?  I can google the best of these folks all day long. Does goggling great theorists = not mental loafing?  What?  I have to read what they say, too?  Well, let’s just forget about this one, call it stupid and move on to…

JUST FOR TODAY: I will make a conscious effort to be agreeable. I will be kind and courteous to those who cross my path, and I’ll not speak ill of others. I will improve my appearance, speak softly, and not interrupt when someone else is talking.  Yeah, like that is really going to happen.  If I did that, my husband would immediately know that an alien had assumed my body and would demand that his wife be returned.  At least he had better.

JUST FOR TODAY:  I will refrain from improving anybody but myself.  There is a story here.  I have a friend who works for the Welfare Office in Las Vegas.  One day there was a hooker like chick in the lobby.  This lady wasn’t wearing panties and grossing everyone out. My friend had to go to her and tell her to close her legs.  Not exactly sure how this fits in here but it is just one of my favorite stories that I wanted to share.  

JUST FOR TODAY: I will do something positive to improve my health. If I’m a smoker, I’ll quit. If I am overweight, I will eat healthfully — if only just for today. And not only that, I will get off the couch and take a brisk walk, even if it’s only around the block.  Hello?  Depends on where you live.  Nix the walk in the neighborhood. Way too dangerous.  Quit smoking and drinking (in excess, I have to clarify).  See? If you don’t smoke or drink, you are already way ahead of yourself on this one!  Ignore the eating healthy comment (refer to fudge comment above).

JUST FOR TODAY: I will gather the courage to do what is right and take responsibility for my own actions.  This is so lame. I mean, you have already taken all the responsibility for your actions as possible and what?  Where does that lead you?  Stupid advice columnist.  How in the hell is this supposed to help?  Courage my ass.  You did this already. Bless you for having the courage to wake up every day.  You deserve a Starbucks for that.   

And so, Dear Readers, may this new year bring with it good health, peace and joy to all of you. Love, ABBY    May 2012 be a better year for you. See?  Not going overboard, not overstating anything.  Just better.  Definition of better is totally up to you.   

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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