Because I don’t wear slippers when I mow the lawn, that’s why.

It all started out due to a complaint from my 18-year-old son that “it takes hours to mow the lawn!”  This comment coming right after a request for money based on household chores.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERANow, I love mowing the lawn.  Always have.  I get a real sense of accomplishment when I finish the lawn.  Cut grass smells wonderful, I get to listen to my iPod, get exercise and fresh air. 

And I would do it for free.

So in order to prove my point, I firmly stated, “Fine! I’ll do the lawn from now on so you can quit complaining!”  And then immediately thought to myself, “Stop. Wait.  What did I just commit to?”

We have a big lawn.  Big. Ass. Lawn.  Over an acre.  With stupid little trees and a muddy ucky back yard area where the septic tank empties.  And I know it is mucky because Abbey will run out there and then wait by the back door with muddy paws.  Which have to be rinsed and cleaned before she is allowed back in the house.

But I digress.  Now I had to mow the lawn.  So my husband and I went to the garage (because we still haven’t completed day three of shed building) and took out the riding lawn mower.  It had two flat tires.  And was covered in mud and grass clippings and the blade thingy looked really crooked.  After some mild swearing, my husband got the mower fixed best as possible (we couldn’t get it to stop making this agonizing screechy sound when the blade went over uneven ground).OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

I decided to switch it up and not cut the lawn up and down.  So I went for the diagonal look.  Which would have been okay except I am also “backing up challenged” on a riding lawn mower as well as a car.  And I never did get the hang of the turning so wasted a lot of time mowing over the same part of lawn over and over again.  And while the speeds available were 1 through 6. I was steady at 3 and would get a fast heartbeat at 4 so it took forever to get done.

  • I got stuck in the mud in the back yard and my husband had to come rescue me.  I remembered to raise the blade.  Didn’t dawn on me to use reverse.
  • Next time I should aim the grass clipping spout away from the newly opened swimming pool.
  • And I really need to pick up all the dog poop before using the push mower in those hard to get spots.  (Self-propelled is a very loose interpretation of our mower)
  • I can’t believe how many stupid big pieces of wood are strewn all over the lawn from just a few stupid trees.
  • I would rather re-mow an area 12 times than rake and bag up grass clippings.
  • I don’t care how pissy my husband gets; I am NOT going to take the time to remove the grass clippings from the driveway and sidewalk when finished.

At least I was dressed appropriately.  My son wears slippers. These have been sitting on the front porch for weeks. Mine are white with green grass stains.OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

And I almost lost it when my son came to me as I was laboring with the push mower under a stand of pine trees on the south side of our property.

“Why are you mowing that? It belongs to the neighbors.”

“It does not.  This is all our property. In fact, I wish the neighbors would let us mow all the way to their driveway.”  (Like he just found this out?  After two years of mowing the lawn?)

“Are you going to get something for dinner when you’re done?”

Some questions just don’t deserve an answer.  And for the record, it took me 6 hours to mow our lawn.  I am paying myself $200.

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