Don’t judge me – I bet you do this, too

  • I stopped up the toilet in our master bedroom by using too much toilet paper.  So I used the kitchen bath until my husband used it so he had to unplug it. 
  • When my phone alarm goes off in the morning, I reach over and keep trying to turn  off my container of tic tacs.  I really should either eat the damn things or throw them away.
  • I went ape shit crazy on my kids when I saw how dirty their toilet was in the upstairs bathroom.  I am not kidding; I told them both to move out if they couldn’t property clean a toilet.  They immediately cleaned it.  (Correction – my daughter immediately cleaned it.  Because I don’t want to hear her bitch at me later when she reads this).
  • I can’t sleep so I get up at 3:00 am and put laundry away.  And then start dusting.  So my dog gets up and tells me it is time to eat.  I don’t want to argue with her so I go back to bed.  I have never heard such a desolate sigh from a dog when she discovered we weren’t cooking.
  • I turn on the electric heater because the air conditioner is blowing on me while watching TV.  And then I totally deny that I am using it when someone says anything.
  • I constantly tell the cat that I am not his private doorman as I open the patio door to let him in or out for the 13th time.   We both know I am lying.
  • “LOOK AT THOSE FEET!” now equals your ass is getting a bath when our Yorkie comes in from romping outside in the mud. He now knows what it means and runs and hides.  And I do agree that it isn’t fair that my dog only gets her feet sprayed with the outside hose because she won’t fit in the kitchen sink.
  • I always order the Berry Almond Chicken salad and medium tea from Wendy’s. One day I decided to go with a Baja salad instead.  When I got back home, I had a Berry Almond Chicken salad.  Is it sad that they know me that well?

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