My girlfriend has applied for a new job. Smart or not, she asked me if I would be a reference for her. To which my response was: “How much do I get paid?”
Now, I have provided references for a number of people in the past but this has to be my first reference that included instructions to complete and return 8 pages of reference forms within a 72 hour timeframe and which also included questions on financial well-being and how many times the cops have been called to the residence.
Just to let my friend know I did an absolutely awesome job with her reference, I mailed her a copy of the completed application (Mailed within 80 hours just because I am a rebel)
Question: Please summarize the characteristics of the applicant. Other than sleeping with her boss on that one business trip (which is totally understandable – he is a hottie!) and coming into work that one time drunk and hung over (she did apologize) I feel the applicant has all the qualifications you are looking for in an employee
Question: How is the ability of the applicant to think logically and in an organized fashion? Before or after smoking marijuana?
Question: Did the applicant complain about work responsibilities? All the f**cking time.
Question: Did applicant have or discuss any difficulty with domestic relationships? Only if they refused to pay her afterwards.
Question: Any knowledge of being convicted of crimes? Arrested or actually convicted?
Question: Does the applicant have difficulty handling confrontational people? Nah, she just smacks the shit out of them and walks away.
Question: Does the applicant have difficulty remaining calm and poised under stress? Not at all – you should have seen how calm and collected she was when we robbed that 7-11 one time.
Question: Has applicant expressed difficulty meeting financial obligations? Only when she gambles away her entire paycheck or her clients do not pay on time for their drugs and/or sex.
Question: Would you consider applicant to be quiet or passive? Is this a question related to sex?
Question: What is the applicants ability to communicate verbally? Swears like a sailor but not so good at the written communication. Ends all communication with F**K YOU which everyone knows should not always be in all caps.
Question: What is this applicant’s most outstanding trait and why? Her ability to party until 4 am yet still make it to the early morning church service on time.
Question: List applicant’s hobbies and recreational activities: Sex with strangers, drinking white wine spritzers, dabbing in recreational drugs in a very responsible manner and movies. Does NOT like to camp due to personal public toilet issues.
Oh yeah, in reference to the title of this blog: Because of my glowing reference, she got the job. But then she had to give notice at her current job which is in law enforcement. The title is the text she sent me when she told her boss police officer that she was leaving.