Headlines I have absolutely no interest in reading

9 “Harmless” Habits That Age You  (By the Editors of Prevention Thu, Jul 15, 2010)  Because I can probably guess that of those 9 habits, I probably do 7 of them.  I’m old. I know that already.  You get old and age and then die.  I am fine with the process.

5 health benefits of being an early riser (Women’s Health, June 30, 2014) Yeah, that is never going to happen to me. Wait.  Do you think noon is considered early?

Arizona patient awarded $300,000 for penile implant gone awry (Las Vegas Review Journal, April 23, 2104) For some reason I kinda want to know the details…

Man explains why he had sex with ham and cheese Hot Pocket (Dayton Daily News, March 5, 2014)  I DO NOT want to know the details of this one!

Study Finds That Women Aren’t Run by Their Periods. Scientists Everywhere Are Confused. (Amanda Hess, Slate staff writer, May 7, 2014) Well, of course they are. 

Studies: Lab-grown nostrils, vaginas working well (Las Vegas Review Journal, April 13, 2014)  For whom??

How to Live Past 100, According to Centenarians (Yahoo News, June 27, 2014 By G Mohney)  Again, I don’t WANT to live past 100.  I haven’t decided if I want to live past 65 yet and get Social Security.

Rock throwers prompt bee attacks (Las Vegas Review Journal Aug 4, 2014)  They missed the word stupid in that one. 

Man arrested for biting off guy’s fingertip at Beyonce concert (Las Vegas Review Journal, Aug 4, 2104)  TMI.  Just. TMI.

Vagina sculpture traps US student (BERLIN- Associated Press 2014)  This is something this student will never be able to live down. I guess it took four firefighters to get him out.  But here is my question:  Where is the damn picture??

Dead body falls out of coroner van, lands in road (Las Vegas Review Journal, July 14, 2014)  My God.  I hope it wasn’t during the funeral procession.  Or on the strip.

THINK YOU HAVE AN STD? PEE ON YOUR PHONE TO FIND OUT. (I swear I am not making this up.  And because you HAVE to know more – I included the details):  But earlier this month researchers in the U.K. received a $6.4 million grant to develop a test for sexually transmitted diseases that would allow people to place a urine sample on a USB-like plug and get instant results by inserting it into their cell phone or computer. The test won’t be commercially available for seven to 10 years, says the project’s lead investigator, Dr. Tariq Sadiq. And while it sounds gross, germophobes can relax: “You’re not peeing on the computer or mobile phone,” Sadiq says. “It’s a completely separate device.”

Woman Killed In Portable Toilet Crash – Debris From Toilet Crashes Through Woman’s Windshield (Florida Highway Patrol, Posted: 10:50 am EDT July 1, 2010)  OKEECHOBEE, Fla.  You know, there are WORST ways to die.  I bet this will be a family story for decades.  

Now, Here is a book that I would read:

Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck  – (Paperback, June 3, 2014 by Amy Alkon (Author)

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