If only my GPS could talk

If my GPS could talk, this is what it would say:

Go ahead, plug in your address because I know you are only going to use it to find out what time you will get there and if you have to hurry or not.  And then you’ll just turn me off.

Wait that is the second Starbucks we passed.  Are you feeling okay?

I know you do not think it is funny when I add 10, 15 or 20 additional minutes to your driving time due to construction or traffic.  But I think it is funny as hell because you keep arguing with me.

You know, the reason the MPH is in red is because you are speeding.  Still red. Yep still red. Pretty red. Not changing color…

You really do not need to ride the car’s ass in front of you in the left lane.  They obviously are not going to move over to the slow lane.  Shall I recommend that you start froggin’?

It’s not funny to put in a made up address in Canada or Hawaii.  You know I still have to calculate that shit.

It’s not my fault I have a database that keeps all your car speed history.  It’s your fault you let your husband look.

For the life of me, why do I give you directions and you totally ignore me?

I need a little more information than “Dawn’s House.”

I don’t appreciate you making up new destination names like “Your mama’s house” and “Disneyland” I still have to announce it you know.  (Although I totally get that you want to pull into your driveway and hear “Arriving at Disneyland”).

OMG, JUST FIND A SPOT AND PARK ALREADY!

 

 

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