10 New Year’s Resolutions I would make if I made New Year’s Resolutions

  1. Lose weight. But that is way too common. So I would add: Lose weight with the totally committed and attentive efforts of a personal trainer named Brett. In the meantime, some pharmaceutical company will make millions by finally developing a diet pill that really works. And my insurance company will cover it with a $5 co-pay.
  2. I will always assume positive intent from others. Which is way hard. But noble, don’t you think?
  3. I will NOT see one speck of snow for the entire 2016 year.
  4. Both my kids will decide to fully commit to college following 90 days of constant nagging, descriptive adjectives of how to avoid career failure and the realization that $12 an hour is really NOT that much money when you are 37. Which means they can enroll in time for the summer term.
  5. Quit yelling at Boca every time he is mean to the dogs. Because honestly, it is entertaining. You can tell Boca is in a mood. The dogs know it is coming and then WHAM! instant chaos. Besides, Boca is still wearing the stupid collar with a bell on it (he is on number 3 collar – he keeps losing them outside somewhere).
  6. Let my husband believe that the reason I am taking all my clothes off in bed is because I really do want to fool around and not because I am having a massive hot flash. Yeah. That is so not going to happen.
  7. Learn to back up a car without hitting something. And I would do this by enrolling in a driver’s education course like the teenagers have to take before they get their license. Except I am afraid my teacher would fail me. And then my husband would never let me forget it. (True Story: The day of my son’s high school graduation the parking lot was way full. The guy coordinating the parking asked if I could back into this really tiny space on the end of the lot next to a big ditch. My daughter immediately told me to get out of the car and she perfectly parked the car in that little spot. At least the one right thing I did was make my husband give the kids their driving lessons)
  8. Quit leaving all my stuff on the big counter in the kitchen. Which would really mean I would just leave all my stuff on the kitchen table. Or on top of the dresser. Or somewhere in the living room. Good heavens, we have been married for almost 30 years. Get over it already. Not. Going. To. Happen. Ever.
  9. Buy a new purse without drama. Yeah. Right.

And Finally:

10.  Write a book. Because I really do want to. In fact, my plan last year was to write a page a day until it was done. So if I had truly committed, I would have had a book by now. Which would have been self-published and sent to everyone I know as a Christmas present. My friends and family should thank me.

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