As I sit at my computer, I hear my cell phone going boop, boop, boop which means I got a text message. There’s my topic – I decided to share my texts. This is what I came up with when I perused my messages. (For the record, if you use the word “peruse” when responding to a Craigslist ad, you’ll get a date. No, you can’t ask me why I know that…)
Between me and my husband:
Most of our text messaging means I text him and he doesn’t answer. So then I text my daughter and say “Go ask dad…”
Him: Beer in freezer?
Me: Kleenex, toilet paper, toothpaste, syrup, peanut butter, dry cat food, sour cream, tomato soup (Campbell’s), milk and carrots.
Him: Too late. Got toothpaste.
Between me and my son:
Him: I forgot to bring back your mop and charger.
Me: If you were little I would ground you. Since I can’t I am taking away your beer.
Between me and my friend, Karen:
Karen: My ankle hurts and I have no idea how I hurt it.
Me: It’s called getting damn old and your body hates you. I have the same problem.
Me: I just read a report on Fox News that says not to eat moldy food, including cheese.
Karen: What? Do you think I eat moldy cheese?
Me: No, you asked me yesterday about moldy cheese so I am answering today. Keep up with the conversation, please.
Between me and my daughter, Christina:
Me: What time do you get off work?
Christina: I’m not at work. But I’ll be home around 4 pm
Me: Did you work at all today?
Christina: They’re closed, mom.
Me: Wait. Did you even come home last night?
Christina: No, I told you I wasn’t.
Me: I don’t listen to you.
Christina: If you’re feeling extra nice, you could pick up some Intuition for me at the store.
Me: Nah, I like you with hairy legs and armpits.
Christina: My bed broke.
Me: Dad can fix.
Christina: What am I supposed to do until he gets back? It’s crooked.
Me: Office? Couch? Sleep over at your brother’s place? There is a tent and sleeping bag in the garage. I might be able to find the blow up mattress. Hotel? (Nevermind, you’re broke). Guess you are too big for Casey’s bed, huh?
Christina: Or I could sleep with you.
Me: Yeah, that’s not going to work for me.