After getting my new Nissan Sentra, I felt I had to do a new car orientation. I started in the driveway.
Me: Here is our driveway. You’ll be parked here, usually in the turnaround part. You missed the Family Driveway Meeting that we had in September when we met to discuss how everyone had to accommodate my parking but your Mitsubishi predecessor paved the way so there should be no problems. On the bright side with your back up camera I have a much better chance at not hitting one of those trees.
Car: No response.
Me: This is one of many drive thru’s that you will visit. There will be different ones but the ones you will get to know best is Starbucks and Wendy’s. You will get demerits if the window gets frozen on really cold days and won’t work. I am not overly thrilled with the placement of the cup holder so you will be held responsible to ensure no drinks get spilled once I correctly get them into their assigned spot.
Car: No response.
Me: No, I do not think it was very funny when I was trying to open the trunk and you popped the hood. It scared the shit out of me.
Car: No response but I swear I heard it giggling.
Me: This is the work commute. I know it is 60 miles a day and that sucks but for my part I promise two hands on the steering wheel, plenty of space between cars in preparation for when everyone slams on their brakes for absolutely no reason and no phone use-ever. Well, one hand when we go thru Starbucks drive thru.
Car: No response. But I could tell it was happy I always wear my seat belt.
Me: I like my car really warm so I would appreciate it if the heater works within 3 minutes of starting the car. Especially on cold days. And we really have to work on a constant temperature. It is irritating when I have to constantly change settings. As a compliment, you do have a very high heat temperature.
Car: No response. But I get the feeling that if I piss it off, the heater will be the first thing to go.
Me: Okay Okay. I get it. Put some tunes on my smart phone or every time I plug it in to charge you are going to go look for music and come back with my alarm melodies. You have to give me some time. I need to schedule my new car technical options review with my husband and it is hard to get an appointment. I would appreciate it if you would fix the clock. Being 6 hours off is getting old.
Car: No response. I do think it likes the Moonlight Reminiscences alarm the best.
Me: I knew when I bought you that you were a 4 cylinder engine. But so was my Mitsubishi and it merged fast and got up to 80 mph without an issue. I really feel like you are holding back on me here. I can accept the slower merge, but you have to understand that 80 mph is a deal breaker. Can you please work on this?
Car: No response but my husband told me to use the sport button for extra umph. And then he told me I HAD BETTER NOT BE GOING 80 MPH on the highway.
Me: You know, you could have told me I had Sirius XM free for 6 months.
Car: No response. Another agenda item for our new car technical options appointment.