I woke up one morning to go to work and discovered my son had made brownies in the middle of night. I grabbed one and put it in a baggie to add to my lunch for the day. Then I thought about it a bit more. I sent a quick text to my son: “I took a brownie for lunch today. Please text me if I SHOULD NOT eat it.” Didn’t hear anything back, ate the brownie. Later my son asked me about the text. He didn’t get it at all until I explained it to him. Then he thought it was pretty funny.
Overheard in the grocery store: “My boyfriend is kicking me out the apartment and said I had to be out by the end of the month. Well, that means I have two weeks to walk around the apartment naked to show him what he ain’t getting no more until I leave.”
I once told a teenager that you cannot call an infant an asshole. I mean, you should wait until the child is at least 4 or 5, right? And the fact that this is even a conversation means that they are so not ready to have children.
My girlfriend told me she had a conversation with a guy about being “friends with benefits.” He responded by saying that he already had medical insurance and didn’t need to have that kind of relationship.
Text to my husband:
As soon as I asked my husband if he knew where my special nuts were, I knew the answer was going to be bad. (Even worse, they were in my son’s room. Normally one never eats any food that has been in his room but I made an exception. I mean, they had cashews AND pecans!)
My daughter calls me Bougie because I quit scooping the cat litter box and just throw the whole thing away twice per week. Boca is 14 and I guess it will be me and the litter box from now on. Sucks. And I use the expensive febreze cat litter too. Cuz you don’t mess with cat pee.