20 Signs you are Officially Old

I came across an article on the Internet the other day that gave examples of how you know you are really old.  I disagreed with some of them:

  1. Eating Taco Bell at 3 am would absolutely NOT settle on your stomach. (Does it count if it is 11 pm?)
  2. You have felt a mild interest in antiques.  (In my opinion, antiques are and forever will be OLD SHIT)
  3. Your houseplants are alive.  (Nope.  Dead.  All of them. Everytime)
  4. You learned about a new rapper on NPR. (Do I get bonus points for singing to their songs on the radio?)
  5. You no longer drink adult beverages from mugs. (Well, since I really never drink I don’t think this one would apply to me.  I once pissed off my husband when he asked me to pick up some wine on my way home and I brought it in a box. I guess it’s A THING.  Besides all the wine glasses are kept in a cupboard shelf that I can’t reach)
  6. You set your alarm early so you can “enjoy the morning.” (Yeah, that’s never going to happen. However, I do set the alarm early to give me advance notice that I have up to eight [8] snoozes before I have to drag my ass out of bed. And maybe 10 if I don’t wear makeup)
  7. You sort of forget that night clubs exist. (Oh, I know they exist. Last time I went I remember they were sticky)
  8. None of your houseplants can be smoked. (Yet)
  9. You have unironically enjoyed a dad joke. (Does that include the “That’s what she said” ones? Cuz I am really good at those)
  10. You have literally no desire to go to a music festival. (Would a Barry Manilow concert count?  Jimmy Buffet?  Santana?  I mean, they would serve alcoholic beverages)
  11. You have a hot mail or yahoo account.  (I am NEVER going to give up my yahoo account because I have had for over 20 years. I may rarely if ever check it, but I have it)
  12. You have a large collection of cloth shopping bags.  (For the environment of course. Everyone should.  I would assume one would get bonus points if they remembered to actually take them with you before you go into the store)
  13. You have a lot of feelings about House Hunters. (I just can’t understand how they can afford a $600,000 house based on their occupations.  And I can still fast forward through an episode in 7.5 minutes)
  14. It’s years since you ordered a Long Island Iced Tea. (So, if I am ever in Long Island, and I order a sweet tea that would technically count, right?)
  15. You’ve used the same lipstick color or aftershave for the past 10 years. (Waaayyyy too much commitment.  So, no)
  16. You are baffled and disturbed by bikini-line waxing trends. (Not exactly baffled and disturbed. I just don’t understand why you would want to intentionally hurt yourself doing it)
  17. You’ve considered getting into couponing. (Tried it, sucked.  I do like Costco, though)
  18. You’ve tried several different hummus brands. (WTF is hummus?)
  19. You have silently started to say “oh God” when you stand up. (Well, yeah.  But only because I have this really cool vertigo thing going on and I love the spinny feeling that comes with it)
  20. You no longer pull out gray hairs.  (That is true, I just dye the shit out of them. And then use root cover up when it starts to grow out at the roots and now they have this really cool spray dye as well)

So I don’t know if I am “technically” old or not.  I can always try this in another 10 or 15 years and see.  Who knows?  Maybe by then my “houseplants” will be ready to smoke.



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