I fought the Rose and the Rose won. I fought the Rose and the Rose won.

I have learned a lesson. In addition to reinforcing how much I abhor yard work, I have learned that while roses may be beautiful, they are blood sticking wood branch heathens with no respect for pruning shears.

I learned from last year that if we do not take the time to clean up our back yard before spring hits, it is 20 times harder to manage in the summer. (Or my usual plan which is to ignore all the thriving weeds). My husband has been talking about pruning the rose bushes next to our storage shed (which is really our GARDEN shed. A. garden. shed. What a waste of tin). Anyway I was looking at those damn rose bushes with no leaves on them yet and decided I would take a whack and prune them. I didn’t quite know where to start but I did learn REALLY FAST that they have thorns. A LOT of thorns. And they draw blood.

I started on the outside thinking I could prune my way inside. You should have heard the bushes laughing at me. All I got was a bunch of thorn branches that stuck to me. And my $1.00 Dollar Store garden gloves were useless. I tried to look for some welding gloves but couldn’t find them. (Probably because my husband doesn’t weld). Definitely nothing in the garden shed of any use and I am still not allowed to use the propane weed burner.

I did have this pissy pair of pruning shears. I got it off Amazon and it didn’t work as well as the reviews. I mean, they worked. But not against thorns. Definitely somehow missed the thorn attachment.

But I persevered. I cut those branches and then re-cut them into smaller pieces and put them into our big paper bags that we have to put out to the curb on Thursdays. I cut one branch out and as I pulled it out, it got stuck on my back. On. My. Back. I could feel those thorns just begging me to “go ahead, go ahead, pull me off.” I almost walked into the house to get help but was finally able to get it off me.

As this chore went on, I just got more and more mad at the damn bushes. By this time, I had scratches on both arms, my right leg and my garden glove was torn to shreds providing no protection at all. I had dried blood all over me and both hands had so many thorns in them it hurt to make fist.

This is when I decided it was all out war and I was going to win. I started pruning those bitches branches like a woman on a mission. They were NOT going to win! By golly I would trim the shit out them if I had to.

I really wish I had a “before” picture but alas I never thought this little chore would develop into a bloody war of the roses. (Say YEAH if you know the movie…)

Here is the “after picture:”

Yep. Can’t even see them can you? And I was also able to completely pull two of them out of the ground.

But I did not win. And the reason I know I did not win was because for three days after this, I had to wear band-aids on my fingers and they really hurt from all the splinters that got me. My arms and legs looked like I had marched through a jungle of thorns. I could barely type at work and ended up filling ten (10) bags of thorns. I was never so happy to see them leave the front yard.

The only good thing? I went to Home Depot and bought an $18 pair of gardening gloves.

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