Category Archives: Entertainment/Travel

I can watch that show in 6 minutes

I’ll admit it – I am becoming way too dependent on recording shows and then watching them at a later time.   Okay, binge-watch them at a later time.  It is not unusual for me to stay up until 3 am on a weekend trying to get all caught up on the shows I have recorded.  I think this is messing with my dog’s sense of time since she has my same sleep schedule. I love how she can stay in bed with me until noon or later.  She is so great.

I just figured out that I can record only the new shows and not have the TV record all the re-runs that I have already seen.  I was pretty sure it could be done, it just seemed too hard to figure out and unless my husband is going to be my TV tech advisor, well I’ll just keep deleting the re-runs.  That is until we get to less than 10% of free space left to record.  Then I know it is going to be a matter of time before we have THAT discussion again. (And I still have no idea how the documentary on Lynard Skynard got deleted).

But what I have gotten really, really good at is speed watching my TV shows.  I can watch Flea Market Flip in less than 6 minutes.  I fast forward to the initial search of items, then forward to the sale at the end and then skip to the very end to see who won.  Done!  I can watch a dozen of these shows in an hour.

I do the same thing with House Hunters. All I want to see is what they do for a living, how much they can spend and watch the three options. Then I forward to the end to see if I am right on which one they pick.  BTW, I never seem to get it right but that is part of the fun.  And yes, I know the whole thing is a scam, but I like it anyway.

I don’t know how anyone can watch AGT or So You Think you can Dance or Master Chef and put up with all those commercials. Like tonight.  We watched AGT that we recorded yesterday and finished up just in time to watch the results show tonight.  I mean, we have this down to use the least amount of time possible.  (And as a bonus we get to skip past the stupid acts but we both have to be in agreement to make it fair).

There are certain shows that I like that my husband would never watch.  I have tried and tried to cajole him into watching them and know I will never win. So I get to watch Out-Daughtered, Kids Baking Championship and Judge Judy on my own.  I remember how mad my daughter was when I binge watched 10 Judge Judy shows and then deleted them before she had a chance to watch.  She will swear to this day that she has learned everything she needs to know about a contract by watching Judge Judy.

My next step is start watching Netflicks.  Because it would be so much easier.  Except we don’t have Netflicks. So I have to use my daughter’s account. I have to figure that one day she is going to kick me off of it.  When she asks I always blame her brother.  And tell her it couldn’t be me because I was watching Judge Judy.

Stuck in an Elevator

My husband got stuck in an elevator this weekend.  And boy was he pissed.  It all started around 3:30 am when he was done playing black jack and coming up to our room in the casino.  As usual, I had quit hours earlier after losing my $40 in the penny slot machines (that now require a minimum .30 cents bet.  I would argue that it isn’t officially a “penny slot machine” because I would damn sure bet a lot less than that if I had the option but that is just me bitching).

All was well as he got into the elevator and pushed our floor.  When he reached it, the elevator stopped.  But the door would not open. At all.  After waiting a reasonable amount of time, my husband said he tried pushing all the buttons, he even pushed the emergency call button.  Which resulted in a very loud blast of ringing noises that could only be heard inside the elevator.  He then tried to McGyver his way out using a plastic wet floor sign, hotel door key and a credit card.  To no avail.

At this point he was getting pretty pissed.  Being the considerate husband that he is, he used his cell phone to try and call the front desk instead of me.  At first he did not get any service and then when he did no one answered. So then he did finally call me and yelled that he was “stuck in the fucking elevator for 30 minutes and I needed to call someone.”

I was sound asleep when he called (I feel like I should get kudos for answering, right?) but I did immediately call the front desk and informed them that my husband was stuck in the elevator.  And I got the response of: “Oh my goodness!  We’ll send someone right up!” I tried to call my husband back but it went to voicemail so I just texted him “they are sending someone.”  Pretty obvious this wasn’t the first time this had happened.

Then I hear pounding from the hall. Now, our room was about 10-12 rooms down the hall from the elevator so I am thinking if I can hear that, surely someone closer to the elevator would have heard as well and investigated, right?  I guess not.

So now here is my dilemma, should I get up and go down to the elevator?  This is a legit question but the barrier was that I was in my pajamas.  The bigger question was: Did I want to put on a bra?  Because there simply isn’t an option of not wearing one. While contemplating that, I heard a walkie talkie conversation in the hall and sighed in relief that I could climb back into bed.

Then I thought that was rather mean, since my husband had just experienced a rather traumatic event so I should at least stay up and pretend to be supportive and I promised myself I would not say “Well, that’s what you get for staying out until 4 am.”

I heard noise down the hall which consisted mostly of my husband saying the fuck word over and over again.  As the fucks became louder and closer to the hotel room, I went over and opened the door.

Yeah, pissed was a major understatement.  I swear I wanted to laugh because come on, getting stuck in an elevator in a rinky dink casino at 4 am would be a humor bloggers dream.  If it were me, I probably would have just curled up and gone to sleep. Except what would I do if I had to pee? And this would be the perfect test to see how much your spouse really cares.  I mean, you would definitely know based on how long it would take before they started looking for you, right?  Except it would suck for me because I don’t usually get up on weekends before 10 am.

At any rate, I provided the normal supportive consolidation and totally agreed with him that if we had heard the elevator bell going off and kicking noises, we definitely would have left the room to investigate.  Well, he would have; I would still have the whole bra issue to deal with.

 

Viva Las Vegas!

I think I probably used the same title on a different blog but I am too lazy to go back and look and it’s my blog so there you go.

My husband and I just got back from a week-long trip to Vegas. Because anyone would love to go to Vegas during July when the temperature averages 110 degrees during the day, right?  Thank heavens the casinos know to keep it super cool and a special shout out to the Michael Jackson slot machine in the Venetian for giving me $342.00. (Which was quickly pissed away in the Wheel. Of. Fortune. game).

So here are the highlights of the week:

  • Always make a trip to the Bellagio for crepes and to walk the lovely atrium.  This time there was a nautical theme:OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

I was told by a flower person that the flowers have to be replaced every 2 weeks and the greenery can last up to a month.  And all I could think was “Oooooh, Flipper!” (I think that is Linda’s hand in the lower left corner.  May be wrong).

  • There is also this real snooty shop next to the atrium.  They had this for sale:
    OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

    $2,600 for whatever it was

    I couldn’t decide if it was a planter base or a real ugly wastebasket.  The fact that the large one cost $2,600 and the small one cost $1,300 definitely made me decide it didn’t go with the decor in our master bath.

  • Amanda.  Our pool waitress.  She was gorgeous.  Obviously a body builder, very tanned, so polite and prompt.  And gave my husband a pineapple juice and Bacardi but kind of forgot about the juice. My husband said she probably got lots of tips.  I said yeah, as I tipped her $10 bucks for a $7 drink. I was smitten.
  • Was I the only one who noticed that Elvis’ shirt matched the curtains?OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA And yes, he did sing Viva Las Vegas to us.
  • I had the distinct feeling that this slot machine was definitely pro-female.  Game2

Just in case you don’t get it, here is a close up during the bonus round:Game1

  • My husband took me out to a very romantic and expensive dinner on the strip.  Of course I had to point out the awesome view of the homeless young man sleeping on the sidewalk. It was so encouraging to see people drop off bottles of water next to him. Sadly he did not wake up. But he moved so that was a good thing.

As always, there was the issue of the the time difference. When we got there “Wow! Is it really only midnight?  It feels like it should be 3:00 am!  Wait.”  And then it really sucked having to get used to getting up for work at 5:30 am when we got home the very next day to go to work. “It’s 2:30 am! My body yelled at me. WTF!”

We are off to Orlando to the Disney resort for our next vacation later in the year.  Maybe we’ll experience “It’s a Small World” again in memory of our kids. I can still remember my 2-year-old son waving hello back to all the little fake people during the entire ride.

 

How to Improve Your Marriage During a 1,000 Mile Car Trip

My husband and I recently had the pleasure of taking a 15-hour cross country road trip together. Well, maybe using the word pleasure is a bit strong.  I mean, it always starts out so well doesn’t it?

We had really planned on driving most of Saturday night. In fact, when we started, our GPS said we would arrive home at 9:50 am Sunday if we drove straight through.  We both knew that wasn’t going to happen.  But we did think we could drive until about 2 am.  So we would at least get more than halfway home.  Yeah, didn’t happen.  Didn’t even make it to midnight. Because we are too damn old and can afford hotel rooms.

Day two was the majority of our driving.  Like 1,000 miles worth. Our car conversations were like this:

  • Slow down. (This was directed to me and if I want to be completely honest, go ahead and multiply it by about 12 times).
  • Do you have to pee? When my husband automatically pulled off into the next gas station, I clarified that I didn’t have to pee; was just asking if he had to pee.
  • I changed his name to Mr. Line Leader. No explanation needed.
  • When he was washing the windshield, he missed some bug guts on my side of the window. Next time I guess I shouldn’t point it out to him from inside the car.
  • He told me to quit taking pictures. Like this one:

Pig wig

There was only ONE Starbucks for 900 miles.  I think this should have been a sign. Because I really, really wanted Wendy’s for lunch.  Something that I absolutely told my husband as we left the hotel that morning.

And then we turned onto Hwy 22.  Now I truly believe that the GPS should have warned us by saying something like “Hwy 22 will suck weenies.  Be prepared to see nothing for the next 567 miles.” You know, like they do when there is a traffic accident on your route causing delays. That way you would know in advance to find a fast food place – like Wendy’s – BEFORE you commit to the Hwy of Nothing.

I was good for a little bit.  We got to listen to the Top 40 from May of 1983 – at least until the radio signal died because we were IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE.   And I probably shouldn’t have commented that the reason Casey Kasem never counted down the top 70’s songs was because they all sucked.

But I was hungry and soon tired of playing with my heated seat and all the fancy electric seat buttons.  The sunroof was too loud and my husband wouldn’t let me turn the volume on my mobile game (what good are bombs if they don’t go boom?) and by that time, he wouldn’t even play a car game with me (my game, my rules) and this trip just went on and on and on and on.

Oh yeah.  The title of my blog?  I have no idea.  My husband quit talking to me in Mississippi.

It’s SUPPOSED to be a Dragonfly!

My daughter and I went to a Wine and Canvas event and painted a dragonfly. This was totally my idea and as soon as Christina realized she would not have to pay for it, she was totally on board.

Having the opportunity to use real paint on an actual canvas was awesome!  We felt like true artists. (Except I doubt true artists would mistake their cleaning water with a glass of wine but that is why it is called Wine and Canvas, right?)  We had a great teacher named Zack. There was this one girl next to me who drew a great big picture of a large inverted penis on her canvas. For some reason she wasn’t happy with it so Zack instantly transformed it into a dragonfly.  THAT is talent!  He also totally fixed Christina’s motion lines and as an added educational bonus, knew what a “thorax” was on a bug.

Official Artist and Instructor - Zack

Official Artist and Instructor – Zack

Just like real artists, we got to mix colors together and had five brushes to use.  I totally blame any faulty artistry on the fact that my #5 brush had issues. Although to be honest, Christina did mention to me that mixing green with white would have worked better with paint rather than the sour cream that came with our nachos.  (The event was held at a Mexican restaurant so that was totally not my fault and in fact, should be expected).

But what pissed me off the most was that Christina’s picture was better than mine. She should at least have had the decency to make sure hers was uglier since I paid.

When I mentioned hanging my picture on a wall at home, my husband vetoed the idea.  He said the colors didn’t match our decor.  So next time my plan will be to paint a neutral colored mostly pastel picture of a penis.  With motion lines.

 

Here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty

During one of the cruise ship stops in Honduras, we went to this private island to do some snorkeling.  It has been years since I went snorkeling and it is nice to know that the inflatable vest still keeps me afloat.  There were absolutely no instructions given so when I saw these ugly algae covered bottles tethered to the ocean floor, I stayed as far away as possible. No one told me you were supposed to follow them like trail pointers.   I also quickly learned that one must not float ABOVE the coral because you will end up with a skinned knee or shin or something.  (It is difficult to curse under water when you find yourself in that position.  Not impossible, just difficult).  When I suddenly realized no one was around me, I popped my head up above water to find the deck with the people w-a-y f-a-r a-w-a-y.  I don’t think I ever swam so fast back to home base. All I could remember was the movie, Open Water.

They also had an animal sanctuary on the island. There were jaguars, monkeys, birds, panthers and these little kitty’s called ocelots.  The jaguars and panthers were rescued from drug dealers who would shut them up in a room filled with drugs, money and guns and use them as guard dogs. Try and find the monkey in this picture:

GE POCKET CAMCORDER

The ocelot was a cutie.  So I went to the fence and leaned in calling “Here, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty” and was rewarded when this one came down to greet me.  GE POCKET CAMCORDER“How cool is this?” I thought.  Until the ocelot turned around, flashed up his tail and proceeded to spray cat urine all over the left side of my body.  “Oops, I guess I should have warned you,” was all I got from our tour guide.  Damn Cat. I bet Boca could have beat his ass.  Trust me no amount of soap or ocean water makes you feel clean after that.  (And I didn’t appreciate all the “Do you smell something?” comments from my husband, either.)

We also did this thing called “Sea Trek” where you put on these $10,000 helmet thingys that weighed 75 pounds and then you descend down this long ladder 30 feet to the ocean floor and get to walk around.  That was pretty damn neat although I was disappointed to find out that they do not pump Valium induced oxygen into the helmets.  It took me forever to climb down the ladder and I refused to leave the final step because I couldn’t touch the ocean floor.  The guide had to literally pull my ass off that ladder.  But once down, it was so cool and you could actually walk around and see all the coral and huge fish and colorful fish and other ocean stuff.  What I really liked the best, though was that I could jump really, really high.  Like a whole person high.  Which I proceeded to do again and again.  Until the guide told me to stop. GE POCKET CAMCORDEROh yeah, I also didn’t appreciate the underwater video that my husband took of my 15 minute descent down the ladder into the ocean.  I’m sorry but  no one needs to see that much of my butt, ever.

What I Learned About Cruise Ships

So we are back to the c-c-c-cold state of Ohio after a wonderful two-week vacation.  Don’t worry, I won’t share all our vacation photos and CERTAINLY WILL NOT share the underwater video of my butt descending into the ocean down a really long ladder.  The last time I was on a cruise, my now-adult children were sent to the ship daycare just to give you an idea of how long it has been.  But I did learn a few things:

  • The boat makes money with pictures.  Lots and lots of pictures = Lots and lots of money. Because it is so cheap to make them and then they charge $20 bucks to take them home.  But I have to give my husband credit; he didn’t bitch once about having to pose for all our photos.  And I totally bought them all.

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  • There just should be a law that children under the age of three are not allowed on cruise ships. That or have enough sound proofed rooms that we can’t hear them. 
  • I think I took more photos of the towel-animals than of the scenic island shots:

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA(I have about 15 more of an elephant, lotus flower, cat, and giraffe but I restrained myself).

  • I learned that the average person gains 1.5 pounds per day on a cruise.  So I gained 10 pounds.  But I cannot confirm that because there is no way in hell I am going to step onto a scale for the next few months.  (Damn that Pirates Pizza that was open at 2 am every day!)
  • They sell A TON of watches.  Why?  Because they know that once we set sail, no one is going to want to pay $2,000 in roaming charges traveling out of the country.  So you have to have a regular watch to always stay on “boat time.”  We were lucky. I have a watch that I wear purely for decoration and it was the most used item the entire trip.  But boy did they make some bucks selling a ton a watches in the gift shop!
  • The cups sucked.  The only free drinks were tea, lemonade and tap water.  And all they had were tiny plastic cups.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERASo even I had to pay $16 bucks for a stupid bigger cup.

We had a blast and I now have a tan that will last exactly two days and will fade as soon as it realizes I am no longer near the sun.  I do have much more to share. Don’t worry – no pictures of me in a bathing suit.  I have my standards.