Category Archives: General

LWL Musings #62

I gave my son my department store credit card to go buy some clothes.  All I can say is I am thankful he has a girlfriend.  Because when the receipt was auto emailed to me, the first item listed was “Lacy Thong” for $12.99 ($6.00 on clearance). Obviously a little tidbit of information that he didn’t know about.

Because I have a long commute I get to bitch.  I can’t understand how  there can be three lanes and all traffic blocked for miles.  On my way home today I just wasn’t in the mood.  So I frogged the entire 22 miles going home at 80 mph. And I was totally okay if I got a speeding ticket. But I would be damned sure that the notation “Consistently used blinkers for all lane changes” was printed on it.

Don’t you hate it when where you go to get groceries is dependent upon what you are wearing?  Crappy clothes = Walmart.  Nice clothes like after work you go to Publix or Kroger. Sometimes I think I would rather pay more at a nicer store than fight the people of Walmart.

We tried the family vacation at the FL Keys. Yeah, just didn’t work for me.  I did dishes, took out trash and ran to the bait store as the designated driver way to much.  My husband and I have scheduled a FL Keys do-over.  We are old. We get to do that.

Pool next to Beach was pretty awesome, though:

FL

Me at Starbucks drive-thru:

“I’d like the Unicorn Frappuccino”
          “We no longer have those”
“Can I have a Mermaid Frappuccino?”
          “No, those are over too”
“Do you have an Ice Cream Frappuccino with pink glitter?”
          “Ah, no.”
“How about a descending blue color Frappuccino?”
          “No.” (Clearly my intercom guy was done with this game but there was no one behind me in the drive thru so I HAD to do one more…)
“How about a That’s What She Said Frappuccino?”

Alas, I got my usual.  But I tried.  If he would have just asked for ingredients I swear I would have made something up that included vanilla, chia tea, caramel, glitter sprinkles and extra whipped cream with nutmeg on top.

LWL Musings #91

  • My daughter asked me if she could have $3,000 to spend the summer in Italy as part of her college education.  I told her no and suggested that she maybe she could find some Italian guy on Tinder instead. I honestly did not know she was being serious.

 

  • My son was an avid Bernie supporter through the election. Which is why I know he won’t appreciate the job link that his dad sent to him after the election:

trump-logo
Thank you for your interest in serving in the Trump Administration. This website is designed for applicants interested in non-career positions within the Trump Administration. If you previously applied for a non-career Presidential appointment with the Trump Administration and your information has not changed, you do not need to re-submit your application

Now, what would be even better is if we go ahead and submit his information and he gets a phone call from them!

  • I don’t think there is anything wrong with calling a breast mammogram a boob screen.

 

  • I understand the need for security but why do we have to have so many passwords? I have such a hard time trying to keep track of them all. And when you use your “go to password,” they will eventually make you change it and then have this stupid rule that you can’t just add a number or symbol after your current password. Which is exactly why I maintain a paper folder that is titled “Passwords.”  And forget all the security questions.  It is easier to just use the same answer for all of them:  Willie Wonka.  (Name of spouse? Willie Wonka; name of elementary school?  Willie Wonka; name of first pet? Willie Wonka.  Well, you get it.)

 

  • I am so pissed at my daughter for putting the Best Fiends app game on my phone.  Because all I want to do is play it. Heaven help me if I ever get Candy Crush.

 

  • And finally, for all of you who had marijuana laws passed in your state; medical or recreational – if you are not happy with it please feel free to eat a brownie and it will make you feel so much better!

The Rat in the Recliner

It all started with the 6-hour trip to close out our summer Alabama home (No, we do not have a summer home in Alabama but after all the trips there I had to start calling it something).  Our only objective of this last and final trip was to haul back the personal belongings and furniture and sign the papers to close on the house.

Two hours into our trip, my husband received a phone call from our truck rental company.  They were providing a courtesy call to let us know that the big ass truck we had rented would not be available at our original pick up site, but would need to be picked up at another location.  But no worries, they said.  It’s only 30 miles away.  Which turned into 57 miles. And, no they didn’t give a damn about inconveniencing us at all.  (Sorry I can’t provide a reference since I probably shouldn’t name the company; let’s just say it rhymes with Budget)

Not even having any time to curse about that issue, my son calls and tells us that his girlfriend’s car won’t start and she was supposed to drive to Missouri the next day.  Final solution was for us to rent a car dolly behind the big ass truck to haul her car back to our house. I mean it’s not like my husband hasn’t done that a bizzillion times already.

THEN: There was a police truck check point that my husband passed right on by on the way to the house. Which resulted in a cop running his ass down and making him go back.  Wasn’t a semi, wasn’t a real truck FHS (For Heaven’s Sake – my new OMG).  But Oh. No. Had to go through this whole long ass drill before they sent him on his way.  Did I mention we were paying $70 an hour for helpers to load the truck?  Which was stopped on the side of the road?

As we enter our lovely home for the last time, it is sweltering Alabama Armpit Heat.  And of course the air conditioning wasn’t working.  So all we had was one little window AC unit that was set at 64 degrees and only worked if you stood directly in front of the damn thing.

Our final surprise of the trip was my daughter calling in hysterics because “The cat brought something into the house and it ran into the recliner.” Pause.  Wait for screaming to weaken. Wait for her to quit calling the cat a number of super offensive swear words.

“Christina, calm down.”  Now this sentence immediately got my husband’s attention so I had to quickly add, “Now, what did Boca do?”  He immediately lost interest.

It didn’t help that my son grabbed the phone and proceeded to “talk her down” explaining how flattered she should be that the cat brought her a special treat.  The final decision was for her to go into her bedroom, put a blanket along the bottom gap of her door and lock it. She would text me occasionally over the next 24 hours:

“Boca is stalking the recliner.”

“Still stalking the recliner.”

“I can’t deal with him, I think he has been in the same position all night.’

“Adulting is hard.  Can you come home soon?”

My son ended up back at the house the next day. It wasn’t a bird like my daughter thought it was.  It was a rat.  A pretty big rat.  And I am so glad that my daughter thought it was a bird.  Otherwise, like us, she would have been staying in a hotel for the night.

So, I shall end, as always:  Bad Cat.

 

Ever Have One of Those Days?

  •  When you get the bag of Doritos from the pantry before leaving for work to put some in a baggie to take for lunch. And then say to hell with it and just take the entire bag with you?
  • When you ignore the pet barf on the floor because rule is: First to See It, Cleans It? And then end up cleaning it up anyway because everyone in the house knows the same rule?
  • When you help your daughter study for her Art Appreciation college class, see a picture and totally call out big penis? So every time she sees it, all she sees is a big penis?
  • When you secretly wish your husband would go on a business trip so you can totally veg out and do nothing for days? (Wait a minute; I do that anyway).
  • When you tell your family you have every intention of cooking pork chops for dinner knowing full well that they are past their expiration date and you’ll have to order pizza instead?
  • When you feel just a little bit guilty for turning on your electric heater at work when it is 110 degrees outside?
  • When you just give up trying to be the line leader and drive the posted speed limit in the middle lane?
  • When you have a garage sale and sell something by mistake that belonged to your son’s girlfriend for 50 cents?  I. Will. Never. Live. It. Down.
  • When you erase your browser history because you were looking up breast cancer and opened up porn sites by mistake?
  • When your 8-pound, 13-year-old deaf and blind dog runs out into the road barking and chasing the little boy riding his bike past your house scaring the shit out of both of you?
  • When you go to Starbucks drive thru to get your usual drink and they recognize your car and tell you to just drive straight up to the window?

 

art

What? Like I wouldn’t include the picture?

LWL Musings #71

I swear I can’t prove it, but I know my son borrowed my car this past weekend and drove it to New Orleans.  Seriously, how else could he go through an entire tank of gas in one day?

Hurrah!  My daughter FINALLY got a part-time retail job.  What I simply cannot understand is that she had three (3) THREE! Interviews before she was offered the position.  Now, I don’t want to question this too deeply, but I got my job after one interview.  I’m just hoping I am getting paid more.

Watched a very good TV documentary on Michael Jackson the other day.  Surprised to find out that the song “Ben” was about a demented rat. Because that song was one of my go-to lullabies I would sing to my kids at bedtime.  I already know how this is going to play out.  Now they are going to tell me that they have been subliminally forever scarred  because I sang a lullaby about a demon rat to them before they fell asleep when they were babies.

Driving home the other day I saw a license plate that said PFRSKIN.  Took me a minute because the word “Skin” totally engrossed me.  Then I realized:  Foreskin.  Eeeewwww.  Just Eeewwwww.  How did that get past DMV and why was an old lady driving the car??

I was in Wal-Mart the other day and went by the garden center.  Now here is my thought:  We are currently living in a way over priced rental which we will leave as soon as our one year lease is up.  So maybe I should go ahead and buy all those dandy potato, onion, squash, pumpkin and rhubarb starter plants and plant them all over in the backyard.  Hopefully they grow like crazy after we leave – you know sort of like a good-bye gift to the rental.

Another bit of backyard trivia.  If I do not pick up pet poop from the backyard regularly, I end up with four grocery bags full of crap. (Literally)  But my biggest issue is whether to put it in the recycle bin or regular trash bin for disposal.

I think it is becoming obsessive with me.  I was at the laundry mat this past weekend (BTW, hair dye WILL DEFINITELY NOT come out of bathroom rugs so don’t even bother; just throw the damn thing out) and was compelled to offer dryer sheets to everyone who didn’t have any.  Not only did I give the rest of the box to the mom with three kids, I left a pile next to the dryers and told everyone else to help themselves.

Forgot where I parked my car in a 4 level car garage. Had to use my clicker lock key thingy about a million times as I attempted to locate it.  I swear my car was moving all over the place on purpose as I walked around trying to follow the stupid beeping noise. Only old people forget where they parked their damn car.

Cop Story #1

 We recently purchased a truck. Yep, so now we get to drive ‘round town in an ‘ole truck (feel free to say that using a very southern accent). We weren’t looking very hard for a truck, but there were just too many times when we could really use one and by luck we happened to come across a truck that was a good deal.

So we met the seller of said truck at our bank, signed all the necessary papers and voila! Official truck owners! Afterwards, the seller went to the truck in the parking lot of the bank and removed his license plate tag.

“What happens if you get pulled over driving the truck without a tag?” I asked my husband.

“I seriously doubt that would happen since I am just going from here right to the DMV but I have all the paperwork that shows we just bought the truck so I can’t imagine it would be a problem,” he answered.

Most famous last words, right?

Sure enough – driving along our rural roads of Ohio where they are way over staffed with local police officers driving brand new cars who have nothing better to do – he got pulled over for driving a vehicle without a license.

My husband immediately began explaining to the officer that he had just purchased the truck, was on his way to DMV and “would you like to see the loan paperwork?”

Nothing. I mean, according to my husband, you could just hear the pretty little birds chirping in the background and imagine the officer scratching his head.

“You know you need a license plate to operate a vehicle on Ohio roads and you should have gotten that taken care of before you bought the vehicle, sir.” (I am adding the sir just because he was so stupid it feels right. You know, a stupid but respectful officer)

My husband calmly explained to the officer: “Well, I couldn’t exactly get a tag because I didn’t officially own the truck, right? And the seller wasn’t going to let me keep HIS tag because isn’t that against the law so you understand I have no choice but drive it without a tag and I was going straight from the bank to the DMV to get it and here is all the documentation that I just purchased the truck not 15 minutes ago for proof…”

“Well, I have never heard of that story before,” the cop answered. “All I can tell you is that you need a tag to lawfully operate a vehicle. It doesn’t matter that you just bought it.”

Now, at this point my husband had the mantra of: “Do not hit the officer and get arrested, my wife will kill me; do not hit the officer and get arrested, my wife will kill me” going on in his head.

So he decided to do a Denzel Washington and explain it to the officer like he was kindergartner:

“Well, if I HAD to do that, I would have to get a tow truck and then pay to have the truck towed to the DMV to get the tags. Now, that doesn’t make much sense, right? I mean, the truck is driveable” (Pause here for response from officer. Hearing none …)

“Umm, maybe there is someone higher up that you can call?” My husband politely asked, still thinking “Do not hit the officer, do not hit the officer, DO NOT hit the officer…”

Now, this got the ole officer a bit riled up – probably based on the fact that he obviously didn’t have a good answer. (I’m just guessing here).

“You do know I could arrest you right now and impound this truck, right?” the officer replied.

So my husband wisely said nothing and just looked at the guy. Officer Dick finally hitched up his pants, told my husband that he had better go DIRECTLY to the DMV and he would definitely give him a ticket if he caught him driving the truck without a tag.

And I was so proud of my husband; he didn’t hit the officer.

Headlines and New Stories that make you go WTF?

 

This Photo of a Potato Sold for $1 Million  (Online E News from Chris Fuhrmeister, Jan 4, 2016)

   Now tell me how pissed you would be if I did not include the photo of the reported $1,000,000 potato.

Potato for one million

One meelion dollar tato

Perhaps maybe not as pissed as seeing the actual stupid picture of a potato?

 

54-Year-Old Woman Gives Birth to Her Own Granddaughter (Lisa Johnson Mandell; Jan 8, 2016)

Note to daughter. Not in a million F**king years.

 

Man tosses alligator through Wendy’s drive-thru (MSN.com 2-10-16)

It is so irritating when the story after the headline is not detailed enough to answer all my questions:

  1. Was it a big alligator?
  2. Was it the alligator that pissed the person off or the Wendy’s worker?
  3. Was it tossed before or after he received his Wendy’s meal order?
  4. Did it have a name?
  5. If you were the worker and got bit by the alligator, would you be eligible for workers compensation?

 

An excerpt of the article below was delivered on 7 January, 2016 at the Royal Institution (Ri) in Mayfair, London by Stephen Hawking:

During the lecture, Hawking asserts that it may be possible to fall into a black hole and emerge in another universe. But he added that it would have to be a large, spinning black hole, and a return trip back to our own universe would not be possible.

I mean, who wants to go through a “small spinning black hole?”  I can’t even make it through an MRI without Valium.  However, I would do it – anyone else want to join?  Just think of the the bon voyage parties we can have.  Especially since we won’t have to worry about paying back all the credit cards.

 

 Husband Keeps Lottery Win A Secret From His Wife ( ABC News Videos 2:59 mins 1-7-16)

Missouri man won $2 million in the lottery last month, but kept the win a secret to surprise his wife on Christmas day.

Now this is absolutely not what I expected this article to be about.  My initial thought was “Yea, Baby! Why wouldn’t he keep it from his wife? Like in a separate bank account and maybe only let his sister know about it in case he died. Then use it to buy really stupid stuff.” (I imagine it would be pretty easy to go through $2 million dollars. I bet I could do it in less than one year).  But Oh No, had to be a pussy-whipped husband.

 

Judge weighs suit on drugs in executions 10-2015

“You’re in deer season almost,” Griffen said. “Now how would a firing squad not be reasonably available?” (I don’t remember where I got this from – betting it was from some publication from the South)  Disclaimer:  I am Switzerland.

 

Man on motorized wheelchair in Kroger given DUI citation  (Associated Press, 1-13-2016 11:16 am)

I hope he was buying alcohol.

A Magazine:

G & G

Garden & Gun Magazine (Feb/Mar 2016 Issue)

Now, I am going to subscribe to this magazine. I mean, who doesn’t want to randomly say, “Well, I read in my Garden and Gun magazine that at the end of summer, watermelons make for great target practice.”   And have them all over my house so visitors can go WTF? (And then secretly read it because WTF?!)