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LWL Musings #29

I went to Walmart this weekend.  When I started putting my purchases on the check out conveyor I noticed this big wet spot right in the middle of the belt.

“Excuse me,” I said the the check out person, “can you clean that up?”

The check out guy pushed the belt button and moved the conveyor belt so the spot  didn’t show up anymore.  Then we looked at each other.

“You do know that it is just going to show back up again, right?”

I mean, I know it’s Walmart, but a check out person should still have standards. He was just lucky I had purchased paper towels.

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My dog, Abbey has decided that when my daughter’s boyfriend comes over, she would rather stay with him than me. That’s okay, I’m not the jealous pet parent type.  So when he had a birthday, I specifically got him a card and present from Abbey.

It was a package of Nutty Bars and a chew bone.

The card said: “Happy Birthday!  You got some Nutty Bars and a chew bone. Wait. What? You got a chew bone?  I LOVE CHEW BONES!  Can I have your chew bone? Love, Abbey.    P.S. Boca didn’t get you shit.”

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My son got stranded in some stupid county town and after a week of not finding a way back home, he asked if I could come get him.  “It’s only an hour and a half away,” he told me.  Wrong. It was THREE hours away.  I certainly did not plan on a 6-hour drive in Deliverance County.  On the way home he changed the radio station. I immediately put it back on my IPOD and said: “If I am driving 6 hours to get you, you are listening to Barry Manilow the entire drive home.”  He immediately fell asleep.

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Why is it so difficult to purchase a rug?  I really wish there were choices other than blah and ugly.Rugs

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I feel like Boca-cat is losing his edge.  He actually killed a big ass frog and left it in the kitchen. Boy, I remember the days when he would kill Humming Birds for entertainment.  But maybe it was just a slow night…

 

 

You Don’t Diss Wonder Woman

It all started so innocently with my husband informing me that I was personally responsible for ruining the movie Logan for him.  Because of me, the movie plot had to contain ALL the backstory for the new watcher to understand the premise of the film.  In other words, because I had no idea about the “X-Men” or the “Wolverine,” the movie had to cater to me and explain the backstory.  In too much detail. Which, according to my husband, completely ruined the movie for him.

Xmen

My husband asked me if I even knew who played the Wolverine.

“I do know,” I replied.  “It is Hugh Jackman and I watched him in Les Mesirables.”

For some reason that just seemed to irritate him even more.

But wait.

Then we started discussing superheros in general. I told him I wouldn’t mind seeing Wonder Woman.  And she was a Super Hero, right?

WW

And this set us off on a whole new tangent.  Because according to my husband, Wonder Woman does not deserve a place on the “Super Hero” train.

“And why is that,” I asked?

“Because she isn’t real.” He answered. “She has no real story.”

“Like the other Super Hero’s are real?”

“Yes.”

Okay, so it was on.  He can’t diss Super Woman and play favorites with Super Hero’s.  I don’t even care about them but it just isn’t fair.

“Spiderman had the accident with the spider, Super Man was born on another planet, Batman…” (well, to be honest I don’t remember what he said about batman.  I simply could not believe we were having such a serious discussion about.. Super Hero’s).

We finally had to leave it at a disagreement. Well, honestly, I totally caved in because I really didn’t care one way or another. I don’t like movies with Super Hero’s anyway.

And then he turned on Plant of the Apes.

 

LWL One Topic Musings…

I changed my Outlook work font from Comic Sans to Arial.  I really didn’t want to but professional work sites keep telling me that using Comic Sans font is childish and unprofessional.  I would ignore it but after seeing the comment about 10 different times, I finally gave in and changed it.  Damn Internet work peer pressure.

I signed into a new game.  My user name is TorpidLawyerdad8143. I have no idea how I ended up with such a stupid user name.  But I’m not going to go through the bother to change it.

  • Text message between me and my daughter:

Christina:  I forgot my wallet in my backpack.  Can you either bring it to me   or bring me a drink?  I don’t have any money.

Mom: (Auto response) I’m Driving Sent from my car

Christina: Good. Drive to me with a large coke, please.

Comment made to Christina’s boyfriend while driving with them in my car:  “I would really appreciate it if you wouldn’t tell anyone that I have I like big butts on my playlist.”

After helping my daughter with her homework, she has forbidden me from ever answering any question with the word “penis.”

  • Text Message between me and my husband:

Him:  Where are you?

Me:  IHOP, why?

Him:  Lunch?

Me: I’m full. Had Roots tooth fresh and fruits! Just finished.

Me:  OBVIOUSLY my phone does not want to say “Rootie Tootie Fresh and Fruitie.”

 

WTF Headlines

As I surf the Internet, I come across headlines or stories that make me stop and say WTF??

As part of the Notice of Observation Treatment and Implication for Care Eligibiliy (NOTICE) Act, CMS is proposing the Medicare Outpatient Observation Notice (MOON).

            How the hell does the government come up with these acronyms? Do you think they pay government employees a bonus for the good ones?  Like “Hey, the acronym is MOON so the first person who comes up with the words to go with the acronym gets a raise!”  

Why You Should Stop Drinking Hand Sanitizer  (US News & World Report- Health David Oliver, 10-25-16)

Now, this thought has never passed my mind that one SHOULD drink hand sanitizer.  Am I missing something?  So apparently, this is something the public needed to hear in 2016: Please stop drinking hand sanitizer.

4 Reasons why you should Wake Up at 4:22 A.M (Inc.10-27-16)

Definitely an article I would never read.  Ever.

Men Quit Male Birth Control Study because it was giving them mood swings. (Cosmopolitan, Laura Beck 10-31-16)

Why of course it did!  I wonder if they quit before or after eating all the ice cream in the house.

 EXCLUSIVE: Mariah Carey Plans to Keep Her $10 Million Engagement Ring (ET online 11-2-16)

Beyoncé Song Lyrics (Sorta): Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it / If he says he wants it back you tell him forget about it / Cuz you know you’ll never give it – first dibs on it / If he wanted it he shouldn’t have given it…

 

Machete-Wielding Clown Tries To Hitchhike Along Busy California Highway (Ed Mazza, HuffPost 5-26-17)

On Facebook, someone asked what the clown was doing.

“Wish we knew,” the police department replied. “Right now, as far as we know, he was standing there looking at traffic.”

The police are also advising other clowns to stay away from the highway.

            Yes, clowns are just damn scary.

 I accidentally sent my boss to Italy instead of Florida (Allison Green, April 3, 2017 – Ask a Manager)

(The jest of the story is that the secretary sent her boss to Naples, Italy vs. Naples, FL. In her defense, she worked in Canada- I mean, I guess those other countries can be pretty confusing)

Okay, first of all I would have to question the intelligence of her boss.  At what point in time did he NOT realize he was boarding a plane for Italy and not Florida?  And this is so funny that I definitely wouldn’t fire the employee; I would want to have YEARS of opportunities to bring this up again and again and again…

Dear Abby: I wish my 62-year-old mom wouldn’t walk around naked (Dear Abby, 02/14/17)

Well, yeah.  Who wants to see that?

 General Mills Giving Away 10,000 Boxes of Marshmallow-Only Lucky Charms  (Huffington Post, Lifestyle)

General Mills announced on Monday that the company will give away 10,000 boxes of marshmallow-only Lucky Charms.

OMG!  I am so excited about this!  As it is, I will buy a box of Lucky Charms and get MAYBE two bowls of cereal because the well-known ratio of marshmallow to cereal is 10:2.

Don’t Put Wasp Nests In Your Vagina (Forbes Contributor Bruce Y Lee June 2, 2017)

I don’t even know how to respond to that.

16 Lizards wearing little hats (Pets on Mom.me, Charlotte Braun 11-2-16).

And now I know it is time to get off the computer. Dammit, yes. I did look at all of them. Here is my favorite (Because you know I would have one):

Lizard hat

Happy Father’s Day!

So I am a day late. It’s the thought that counts. And Happy Father’s Day to all of the Fabulous Fathers out there!  Your influence and love is highly respected and underrated.

Kind of like this balloon:balloon

 

WTF = With the Family

My daughter came home with a new purse.  And it is a super grown up person purse.  I think I am going to miss the suede fringe purse person.

Purse

My son asked if he could borrow my car.  “Why?” I asked him.  “Because mine doesn’t have any gas,” he replied. Mine is a brand new 2016 Nissan.  This is his. I gave him gas money.

MPJ Car

Another school story: 

So my daughter is taking 6 classes this summer which is super hard. The class she is taking now is Business Communications.  She was tasked to do a group project presentation.  Here is our text messaging:

Me:  I reviewed your outline and added shit
Christina:  Thanks. You’re the best!
Me: And I only rolled my eyes a little bit
Christina: LOL.  Why did you roll your eyes?
Me: Seriously?  Your topic is “Fashion in Different Cultures.”
Christina: Well, yeah. Okay?
Me:  That’s Business?
Christina: I don’t get it.
Me: Nevermind millennial thing.
Christina: I still don’t get it.

Watch her get an A.

Boca lounger

This is a Boca Lounger. It is actually a piece of exercise equipment that we have hauled to four different states and never used.  Correct that.  Boca uses it.  It’s his personal $149.00 napping lounge chair.

My Management Final Exam

Well, it’s not really my final exam.  It is actually my daughter’s summer class in Management. Of course I would help her since I do have a boat-load of management experience.  So I offered to help her with her final. I thought I did a pretty good job…

What are major differences between the Wagner Act and the Taft-Hartley Act? One was enacted in 1935 and the other in 1947.  Duh.

Define “ethics.”  What you are supposed to do when people are looking.

What drives unethical behavior in the business world?  Donald Trump.

How do you as “Big Boss” know work is being accomplished?  First of all, I resent the inference that I am “Big.”  And secondly, I know work is being accomplished because I get a paycheck every Friday.

What are KPI’s and how are they established?   Killer Penis Implants.  You throw them against the wall and see if they stick.

Describe the “Mushroom Theory of Management.” Well, you take a special mushroom and cook it up in water and drink the resulting tea-like beverage.  And then you go to your employees and tell them how you really feel.

What is work? According to Fifth Harmony: “Cuz I gotta go to work, work, work, work, work. Let my body do the work, work, work, work.”

In the 20th century, Henry Ford established a department in his factories to gain more than brute force from workers. What was the name of this department?  The Henry Ford Department of Gaining More Brute Force from Workers.

What must we have, as managers, to deliver high quality products, low costs and high customer service?  A really smart Assistant Manager.

What two things do all managers need? Coffee in the morning and chocolate in the afternoon (May substitute potato chips as needed).

What is the difference between motivation and reinforcement?  I will motivate you by threatening to kick your ass into working and then reinforce it by actually doing it.

For what are managers paid?  To keep issues from escalating to their boss.  Or HR.

Why don’t workers want to work? Why don’t writers want to write?  Why don’t cooks want to cook? Why don’t teachers want to teach?  This question is way too profound to reply as a short answer.  Therefore, I recommend that it is removed it from the exam.  Thank you.

List three types of teams. Fencing, Debate and Team Sheldon.

Why do workers need maintenance?  Because if they don’t have maintenance, they will rust.

List four questions you would ask in an interview.

  • Do you like to color?
  • Do you have a pet gerbil?
  • How many bicycles would fit in a 3 bedroom/2 bath house WITHOUT a garage?
  • Do you think Mary Poppins would have been an effective boss? Why or why not?

Explain how a simple breakfast meal serves as a reminder of the difference between commitment and involvement?  I am committed to making sure everyone knows I want Co-Co Wheats for breakfast.  I am involved by actually making the Co-Co Wheats and then eating it.