Category Archives: Uncategorized

LWL Phone Notes (Nov 2020)

I am finding that I am using the note app on my phone more and more often so I don’t forget when something funny happens or I think of something to blog about. Here is the most recent review of my phone:

  • Evidently when you paint you don’t just throw everything away when finished. You are supposed it wash it and use it over again. Boushy me that.
  • My daughter got a new car and I drove it while she visited us a few months back. Her dashboard looked like a 747 cockpit. It also had an app. When I returned home, I was told I exceeded the speed limit twice, did not lock the car when I went inside the store and didn’t need to manually set the wipers; her car would automatically adjust based on the amount of rain. I am getting too old for this shit.
  • My son just bought his first “real laundry basket” at the age of 26. He is growing up so fast!
  • Did you ever have a dream about an old boyfriend and it was so cooly-weird that it made you really think about him for a few days? Then I had another dream where he pissed me off and that ended that. Luckily that would never happen with my husband. He knows he has to apologize to me when he pisses me off in my dreams.
  • Went into Wal-mart and promised my husband I would only buy the three things we needed and would be right back. He actually set the timer on his phone and I returned to the car in 38 minutes. Yeah, like we both didn’t know how that was going to turn out.

Go Dodgers!

As you know, my husband is a #1 Dodger fan since forever. I have so many memories about the Dodgers and now I get to add to them: THE DODGERS WON THE 2020 WORLD SERIES!

While my husband was watching the game, I was in the back bedroom watching “Teen Mom 2.” I knew they were doing well by the occasional clapping and “YESSSSS!” sounds coming from the living room. So after it was over and I had a VERY happy husband, I decided to show my support by watching the post game show with him. Of course, this was after the “Dodger Shots” we both took to celebrate using the special “Dodger won the World Series Shot Glass:”

I know my husband disagreed, but I swear the tequila was spoiled. It just didn’t taste right to me. But did it matter? THE DODGERS WON THE WORLD SERIES!

(Special shout out to my sister, Dawn. Who lives in Florida. In Tampa.)

I am especially happy for Clayton Kershaw – for the record, I truly did not know the answer when I asked my husband if you had to be dead in order to be in the Baseball Hall of Fame. (GO CLAYTON!)

I told my husband I really should have been more supportive and at least watched the last inning with him instead of asking what the score was every time I walked by on my way to the kitchen to get something to eat. He replied, “Why? You weren’t there in 1988 when they last won.”

“Wow! Did we even know each other back then?”

“We were married.”

Me:

At least I get to post this picture of Objet d’art that I recently found while cleaning out the closet:

I was going to throw it away but my husband noticed and was offended. (I had completely forgotten the “You Shall Never Throw Anything Dodger Away” rule). I asked him how old he was when he made it. He thought for a minute and then replied:

“I don’t know, 36? 37?”

Next time, Dodgers, let’s not wait so long. Because he will probably want to make another one of these when he is in his 50’s.

An Old New Car

Let me begin by saying that I absolutely realize I really have no reason to complain. Now let me also say: It’s my blog and I will whine if I want to, whine if I want to, whine if I want to….

A little background: I have had three auto accidents in the past 4 years. Not one of them was my fault and two of the three ended up with totaled cars that I cried over. After the last one, my husband and I could not agree on what to do for a car. I wanted a POS car knowing I would end up getting wrecked again due to the lack of driving skills of the inhabitants of my state. My husband wanted to get a second brand new car since I was commuting almost an hour each way to work. We ended up at stalemate and then Covid-19 hit. So we were both home. He has his truck AND his 2013 totally blacked out Camaro which is stored in the garage, rarely used with 55K miles on it. As much as I know he hated it, that was now my car. Which I could only drive within a 10 mile radius of the house (His rule, not mine which meant I didn’t do that).

Anyway, to get you up to speed, I am now back at work, commuting my hour each way. After one week of driving my husband’s Camaro, it was to be expected that he would go into overdrive to find me another car.

Which is how I ended up with a 2004 Cadillac DeVille. I’ll give you time to let that sink in. A. 2004. Cadillac. DeVille.

For a better perspective, I went from this:

To this:

Yes, it is official. I am now driving an old lady car. Which was purchased off Craigslist for $2750 from an 80-year-old lady who only drove it to church on Sunday and occasionally to the post office.

My husband tried, he really did. He told me it cost $48K new in 2004. He said it came with all the bells and whistles and the leather interior was pristine. “Best of all,” he said, “it’s super sturdy and big enough to win in a traffic wreck.”

Nooooooo. I said. I can’t. I won’t. But I did. Which meant I had a new fugley car and his Camaro was once again safely ensconced in the garage.

Not willing to give up too quickly, I told him I would not complain (as much) if I got the following:

  • Paint the car a dark gray color with luminescent light gray racing strips down the side outlined in a light pinkish sparkly border.
  • I wanted purple undercarriage lights and also tire lights if they came as a package.
  • Tinted windows dark enough so no one could see who was driving.
  • A personalized license plate that said: “FASTAF” (Evidently DMV hasn’t figured that one out yet.)
  • And of course along with my personalized license plate, I would be allowed to have up to four (4) speeding tickets per calendar year. (I was basing this assumption on my mini-van theory that a f**cking Cadillac DeVille would never get pulled over for speeding going 90 mph on the highway).

We compromised with the tinted windows within the state car window darkness laws.

I am still embarrassed to drive the damn thing. I recently tried to yell profanities at another driver and simply could not say the “F Word.” Like there was an 80-year-old Miss Daisy in the back seat judging me. The turn signals are so quiet that I have already driven 10 miles with the left one blinking. This is definitely impacting my self esteem.

On the bright side, if I do get into a wreck for the 4th time, I will most probably win. Even better, if this car gets totaled, I won’t cry.

LWL Week in Pictures

I have a hanging ball marker in the garage so I know to stop when the ball hits the windshield. I think this would be a “car ball fail.”

I never knew my husband was so set on a certain type of car shade. In the end I agreed to use his stupid square one to end the discussion knowing full well I was going to continue to use my circle one.

I wonder if this little cricket was on top of my car the entire time I was driving to work?

I swear all I did was open the dishwasher and pull the rack out. The entire rack came out and fell onto the floor. I left it like this for my husband to find. And then realized that he hasn’t used the dishwater since 2002 so finally had to show him. But I did wait until he was in a good mood.

Old Girl Scout trick: Buy copper tubing about a thumbsize in width. Cut into foot long pieces. Take pieces of old water hose and cut same length. Put the water hose inside the copper pipe and put into fire. You get tons of pretty fire colors and can re-use the copper pipe over and over again.

This is Ollie, my daughter’s new puppy. I facetime with her so I can see Ollie. I only have a million pictures of him so will share more later. I just hope I have this much interest in my first grandchild (whenever the time comes). I would hate to see the baby and then go, “OK, can I see Ollie now?”

This is Spaulding. My husband and I made him while we were painting. It’s a coconut hull that had a face on it. Now he is a new addition to our deck.

We cleaned out a couple of closets and ended up with this. The scary part was that with the exception of one, my husband knew what every one went to.

Coronavirus Conversations (Part 2)

I REALLY have to finish Part 2 of this blog because I keep adding new conversations to my phone notes. I never realized how much we had to talk about.

  • I bought an almost dead plant on clearance for 50 cents at Home Depot. I thought it was a good idea at the time. My husband said if I bought it I had to take care of it. He made me replant it into a new container. After that I lost interest and presented him with a forfeit of parental rights letter so he now is responsible for it. I need to remind myself that I kill plants. Good thing I am no longer its parent.
  • My husband bought a propane fire weed killer. FIRE! WEEDS! I was more excited than he was! Then he said I could not use it. I wish he would stop bringing up the ax incident.
  • This is how bored we got:
My husband sent away for a home blood type test

  • Who gets to mow the lawn on the riding lawn mower and who has to weed whack. I hate weed whacking. The last time I did it my husband told me “I have shown you four times how to use it. if you can’t do it correctly you won’t be allowed to use it.” Which was definitely the WRONG thing to say.
  • I’ll watch Lawrence of Arabia if he’ll watch all the Twilight movies.
  • Paper plates. My husband said since it’s just the two of us we no longer need to use paper plates and should just use the normal plates and put them in the dishwasher. I wasn’t on board with this but he was right and after a few weeks I’m okay with this.
  • We bought a new egg cutter/slicer. But then we each would store it in difference places. I said it belonged in the plastics drawer. He said it should be in the kitchen utensils drawer. Since I do the dishes, I win.
  • Do you really have to brush your teeth and maintain good personal hygiene if you wear a mask and have 6 feet of clearance between people?
  • My husband told me not to buy junk food. But then I go shopping hungry. I have now resorted to hiding my candy. Except he knows me and will periodically ask me where I am hiding it when he gets a sweet tooth.
  • Wheat bread vs. white bread (we buy both and throw away half of each)
  • Lettuce vs. other greens. I know he likes baby spinach and arugula. I am a simple iceberg person. So we always have a shit ton of salad base the fridge. And then eat ice cream.

Alas, our time together is now coming to an end as I have to go back to work. But it is nice to know that we can be together every day for 6 months and still talk.

Coronavirus Conversations (Part 1)

As my husband and I continue to muddle through this difficult time, I have found that our conversations have changed a bit.  We used to talk about work more, news stories and just general life stuff.  Now that we are home together all the time, here are some examples of our conversations.  (There are so many examples, I had to make it two parts).

  • The correct way to boil eggs.  He is wrong so this really was not a discussion.
  • I want to feed the fish, but don’t want any of the responsibilities of keeping its tank clean.
  • Whether we have already seen the newest Dateline.  As an aside, I now know why it’s important that we both keep up to date on the shows we are both watching. It’s like he is having an affair with the DVR when he watches one ahead of me.
  • Ceiling fan speed.  It’s always up too high for me. Not that I ever win this one but I will still complain. And turn it off as soon as he goes to bed.
  • How late is too late to eat ice cream. (like, never?)
  • If a grilled cheese will cure diarrhea.
  •  We got into a discussion because he said my apple juice looks like pee.  I told him his beer looked like carbonated pee.

2020 mood | Forwards From Grandma | Know Your Meme

  • I should not get so excited to use the seal a meal when we buy in bulk.  It’s just that I really like the part when it sucks out air.  Probably one of the few tasks I am happy to do.
  • I try not to spoil his parade when he makes a list of items for a new recipe.  #1, I know it is going to be healthy- which means it will most probably have broccoli in it and #2 I would rather eat ice cream.
  • I argued that if I am going to be stuck at Firestone for over an hour for car maintenance, I should be able to bring my little electric heater and use it while I wait. It is always freezing there.  I told him if it embarrasses him so much he can pretend he does not know me.
  • I know he is correct that I need to get out of bed before noon.  It’s just that I don’t want to.

Tech Support

My daughter is now at a job where she is in charge of everything.  Basically her dream job managing an entire business.  My husband gets to be her 24-hour, online tech support.  I hear him on the phone with her periodically walking her through IT questions.  She sent this email to him last week:

Christina:             Does it look like it has 2 hard drives ?
Let me know if you need more pictures.

Here is my husband’s response:

Yes, it looks as if there are two hard drives. One may be the operating system and the other the data or used as a backup. In the third pic that shows the SATA interface, you can see the other hard drive below it. The other hard drive should have the same interface. Here is a link that I believe will fit:  Amazon link here

The pic below is the adapter on top of the hard drive you sent. You may want to look at the other hard drive interface to make sure it’s the same and then take the one that is out to Best Buy to make sure you get the right connector cable.

image

I need to remind my daughter that I am still available to review grammar on any letters she needs to write.

 

 

 

 

 

A Lecture on Pop Tarts

Like everyone else, my husband and I are stuck at home during these difficult days.  The good news is that we are really getting along quite well despite all the togetherness.  We are sharing the computer (I sleep in until noon so my husband gets the mornings) and trying to get some home projects completed.  But we have had our share of issues:

  • Going out ANYWHERE is a Big. Deal.  Even if I do not get out of the car, I want to come.  So imagine my disappointment when my husband went to Kum and Go (our local 7-11 {not kidding}) for lottery tickets.  I whined for two hours.

Kum and Go logo

  • The bath mat argument:  When I get out of the shower, I always dry my feet before stepping out.  My husband does not.  So we spent 30 minutes discussing the pros and cons of a wet bath mat vs. a dry one after I had to step on his wet bath mat.  By the way, we have three bathrooms.
  • Gaining weight.  Damn quarantine.  Which leads me to:
  • Going to the store.  We usually do online shopping and then pick up.  But sometimes we go to the store.  When this happens, I am like a kid on Christmas day.  We get to shop!  We get to see things!  We get to go outside!  And I will admit I go a little crazy.  I know I really should not have gotten the pop tarts.  But I was hungry and they were staring at me in the cereal aisle.  Yes, I got the Pop Tart Lecture. But it was so worth it.
  • About toilet paper.  All I can say is when it was hard to find toilet paper, my husband actually showed me how many little squares I should use.  Yeah, not going to happen and my bathroom habits are confidential.
  • My husband’s hair is getting pretty long as he won’t go to get it cut.  I am really liking the little curls that are at the end. I could actually put it in a ponytail with my scrunchie the other day.  Of course, he hates it. And I was told I could not take a picture.  My other idea was to watch YouTube videos on how to cut hair and I could cut his hair and he could cut mine.  That didn’t happen, either.
  • Forget regular clocks.  I need one to tell which day of the week it is.  And yes, you can buy them.  This one is $45.99:dAY CLOCK
  • We got to celebrate Father’s Day by ourselves. Our kids asked me what their dad wanted for his special day.  I told them both he wanted Turtle candy.  Because I wanted Turtle candy.
  • With the quarantine there will either be a lot of babies or a lot of divorces.    We are too old for babies.  Not getting divorced.  So there must be a third option. Like keeping a posted schedule of when you want to be alone and where you will do it in the house. Or the deck.  At least we have a nice deck that overlooks our weed infested back yard.
  • Since all we do is ride in the car and maybe go through drive through, we get to listen to music on the radio.  My husband made a new rule. You are not allowed to sing the song if you do not know the words.  I do know the words.  They are “Dirty Deeds and the Thunder Cheeks “
  • I have never been so pissed off when I run out of underwear and comfy house-only clothes.  Not working means I should not have to do laundry – Ever.

LWL Week in Pictures

Garage Knife

I had to get my collapsible yard work bag down from a high shelf in the garage.  Another lecture on yard work safety. (My response that that one should not leave a big ass knife in the garage).  I am getting pretty damn good at picking up sticks.  Can make the task last over three (3) hours to avoid:

Weeds

I think we missed the seasonal period to remove the weeds from our flower beds.  Or I am officially the worst weed picker ever.  Honestly, both probably apply.

Dads Shoe

New method to fix a broken shoe.  Take Gorilla glue, a coconut shell and old chair and do this. Or throw the 22 year old shoe away.  But I didn’t say that.

MPJ Beer Can

Came across this the other day.  My son has been gone for almost a year and it made me smile to realize he can no longer throw empty beer cans in my flower garden. Until he comes to visit in July.

Dude wipes

Where are the Dudette wipes?

Mailboxes

Stayed at a cabin in the Smokey Mountains and came across this on the way up the holler.  The Amazon package was there the entire week.

Personal Watermelon

Cuz, damn.  Sometimes you just don’t want to share.

Stay at Home = Yardwork

Like others, I am stuck at home with my husband.  I have heard that in 9 months time there will either be a baby or a divorce. I think our situation is a bit different.  The future of our home time together will most probably result in a damn good yard.

Here is a picture of our yard last summer:

Kincaid backyard

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And here is a current picture of our yard:

Yard

My husband bought this attachment for the lawn mower.  He calls it an aerator.  I call it a turd maker.  You tell me who is correct:

Yard 2

Then he said it needed more weight on the back to make bigger turds.  Turns out our decorative iron animals was not what he had in mind:
Yard 1

And don’t even let me get into yard safety.  I swear I put them there for just one minute while I ran into the house.

Yard Safety Might as well assume this is going to be an ongoing battle.  I watch the news only to hope that it is going to rain.  We cleaned out the shed on Monday.  With more weeding planned for later in the week.  The only thing I really want to do is take the ax and make firewood from our logs. Except my husband hid the ax.  Some safety issue he says. My son mentioned using the sledge  hammer and the iron wedge.  He so gets me.