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Calling Triple Tay

I know my daughter called me this morning because she was pissed and upset.  And I tried to be empathic, I really did.  But I just couldn’t get past her first statement:

“Mom! My car got stuck in the snow at the edge of the driveway!”

Now, this definitely brought back some pretty good memories of my shoveling out our long-ass driveway in Ohio when we lived there. Including one of my most favorite memories when she refused to help me shovel so I proceeded to throw all the snow on top of her car in the driveway until it was completely covered in snow. Now, while I personally never got my car stuck in the snow I am sure it is not a nice place to be.

But at the end of your driveway?  Really?

In fairness, Christina did tell me that she didn’t think her car would make it over the snow bank that the street plow had piled up in front of her house.  But of course that doesn’t mean you don’t try, right?  So she got stuck.  In an ironic kind of way her boyfriend is a county worker who actually has to plow the roads so he was of no help to her this morning.  But of course that did not stop her from calling him.  And being the kind of guy that he is, he sent his brother to shovel her out.

Mind you, I am getting this whole story while she is safely ensconced inside her warm house with no need to be inconvenienced or cold. So yeah, I laughed.  And then she did, too.  Because it was funny.

Then she set me off all over again when she told me that she called her boss to tell him she was stuck and would be late to work and he asked her if she had a shovel. Seriously? So Christina answered by saying, “No, I do not have a shovel.”  Because she was damned if she would shovel her car out.  And then she clarified for me: “Mom, I have high heels on.”  Wasn’t going to argue with that.

So Taylor arrived (“Did someone call Triple Tay?”  I thought that was pretty damn funny as well.)

I told Christina she may want to be more proactive in the future which I am sure she translated to mean that she needed to proactively make sure her boyfriend shovels out the driveway before he leaves for work. Or do a plow drive by when he gets to work.  Not exactly what I had in mind but okay.

I don’t live where it snows.  I learned my lesson.

Family Notes

I was driving with my son and called another driver a pussy.  My son immediately told me not to say that.  When I asked why, he said because I am a mom.  So I guess the new rule is that mom’s cannot call others a pussy.  Except this is me. Which means now all I do is call everyone a pussy anytime I am driving with my son.  And I call him a pussy too.  I can’t believe he is surprised by this.  He should know better.

I went with my husband to Walmart.  He stood in front of the “ladies section” and mumbled:  “You can’t buy beer at Walmart but vibrators are okay?”

My daughter’s boyfriend asked her how to clean the bathroom (Yes, I am as impressed as you are).  So she showed him. Took 30 minutes.  Afterwards he said he never knew it took that much work.  It took him 45 minutes to repeat. My daughter gave him a B-.

I cleaned my son’s bathroom (Company was coming, you think I would trust that a 20-something boy would do a good enough job)? I had to call him into the bathroom and ask that he remove the beer can from the shower.  It wasn’t that I was surprised it was there;  it was that it was too high for me reach.

Lately I have been having a hard time knowing if my husband is yelling at my son or the cat.

For Christmas we got Abbey a new second bed for the bedroom.  When we opened it in the middle of the living room, the expression on her face clearly said: “OMG! You are getting another dog, aren’t you?  I am being replaced, I know it. You don’t love me anymore.”  So I immediately had to take it into the bedroom, place it on the floor where she normally sleeps and made her come in to see it.  Then she understood and it was all good.

While riding in the car with me, my son’s lighter fell in-between the car seat and the console.  “Great.” He said.  “I just lost my lighter in the vagina of your car.”

 

Continuation of 2018 Resolution

For those of you who may remember, my 2018 New Year’s Resolution was to curb my spending for the year.  Well, in all honesty it was more my husband’s resolution than mine but I was on board.  I mean, “Hello. My name is Lori and I spend too much at Kroger.”  I’ll admit it.

I asked my husband on a scale of 1 to 10 how he thinks we did on our 2018 resolution.  He told me he would need to review our budget spreadsheets for the year and let me know.  I told him that was cheating and he HAD to just grade it without the research. He wasn’t happy but gave me a 7 out of 10. I was pleasantly surprised.  I didn’t think I did that well.  When I pushed and asked him how much money he thought we saved for the year (and he was more than welcome to consult his spreadsheets for that) he declined. Because he knows me. If he gives me a dollar amount, I am going to interpret that as a wide open invitation to go spend some of it.

One thing that I do not like from this resolution is going to the grocery store with my husband.  He totally ruins it for me.  Everytime.  He has to go by the list.  And if it isn’t on the list, we don’t get it.  Which means I have to take the stupid time to stop and write “ice cream” on the list, get it and then cross it off.  The most recent issue we had was when all the Christmas stuff was on sale (and when I say Christmas stuff I am most certainly referring to candy.  I am still a bit miffed that I didn’t get my box of turtles for Christmas).  Christmas clearance is by the milk.  When I told Michael I would go get the milk, he told me he would and I could go get the cat litter. What?  Seriously?  He just looked at me.  Stalemate. I knew he would win. Because deep down I know he is right.  So in my petulant way I went to the pet aisle and got the most expensive cat litter they had.

But I knew I could do better.  So I offered another step to my resolution.  I would put myself on a weekly cash budget.  And when it was gone, I was done. I was a little scared at how quickly my husband agreed to it.  So then after some discussion, we added a few caveats:

  • My gas tank had to be filled the same day I got my allowance.
  • It would not include beer money (we live in a dry county and I work in a wet one.  Hence I get to do the beer runs on my way home)
  • I was not allowed to get cash back on the card during the week. (Damn. I was sure he wouldn’t think of that!)
  • My allowance had to pay for all my expenses for the week:  Starbucks, work stuff, lunches, gas and items from the grocery store unless they were ON THE LIST in which case my husband would buy them on his weekly grocery trip.
  • If I wanted a mani-pedi, it would come from my allowance. I totally agreed to this one since I rarely get them.
  • Post office expenses would come from my allowance. I did not like this one.  It was enough of a chore just to go to the post office, much less have to use my money for it!

So we are going to continue our New Year’s Resolution for 2019.  Effective Monday, January 7th.  Which gives me time to run to Kroger to get a Starbucks and then shop the Christmas clearance.

Pina Colada, Pot and Throw Up

We recently went on a cruise for vacation. We promised our daughter a cruise in the Caribbean after she received her degree.  My husband is the A++ travel agent.  If he is planning the trip, rest assured everything will go smoothly. No hassles, no headaches, no issues. Seriously, he is the best trip planner ever!

In the process, we discussed going on a shore excursion he thought we should take with Christina and her boyfriend.  It was one we had done before and enjoyed but I thought it was super expensive.  In arguing with me that we should do it, he sent me a link.  It included this picture:

Cruise Pic

When I opened the link I was incredulous that my husband would go to all this trouble just to get me to agree.  Because, in the picture above is myself and my husband from when we did this two years ago.

So I sent him an email:  “I know you really want to go but don’t you think you went a little overboard?”

“What are you talking about?” He asked.

“The picture!  You really went to all that trouble to use a picture of us on the advertisement just so I would agree to go?”

“What?!” he replied.

“The. Picture.  It is of us.”

He didn’t believe me.  So then I had to send the picture to our kids and asked them if that were us.  They both agreed.  However, my husband still had to pull out the underwater photos from the trip and compare them.  Yep.  I was right.

But it wasn’t him.  The Grand Cayman Sea Trek actually used a photo of us on their online advertising.  The whole thing was just super weird.  And then we didn’t even get to go since they cancelled the visit due to high waves.

When we returned from vacation and everyone asked how the cruise was, I got my standard reply down to less than 1 minute:

“We had one-half day of sunshine.  My daughter and her boyfriend insisted on drinking the $840 they spent on the all you can drink alcohol package which meant they would drink one day and then be hungover the next.  On a bonus note, all my pina coladas were free.  I was offered pot in Jamaica, which I politely turned down but was impressed they offered and the seas were 6 feet on the last two days which meant a lot of travelers were barfing.  I never knew barf bags could be so conveniently located.  I was fine.  I felt like I was in a free carnival ride the whole time and never slept better.  I got all my Christmas shopping completed in Mexico including Patron tequila that was only $17 a bottle. ”

I can’t wait until New Year’s Eve.

 

An Adult Christmas

And I don’t mean that in a porn sort of way but that I decided to take a few liberties this Christmas.  Because when there are only adults in your house for Christmas, you have opportunities.

It started with the Christmas tree.  We were on vacation the week before Christmas.  By the time we got back and settled it was less than a week before Christmas.  Which made we think:  “Did we really need to put the tree up?” We would have to go into the attic, haul down the tree plus 3 or 4 totes full of Christmas stuff to decorate it and then spend the time to put it up and well, that is work.  To me anyway.  So I took the initiative and told my husband we were skipping putting up the tree.  He called me a Grinch and was not happy but secretly I think he was relieved too.  I promised him we would not be “totally treeless.”  I had no plan at the time but I could figure it out.

So here is our Christmas this year:

Christmas 2018

And just in case you missed my promised Christmas tree – here is a closer view:

2018 Christmas Tree

BTW, don’t buy it for an air freshener – it most certainly does not smell all wintery pine as promised.

But I wasn’t done yet.  Now, when we got back from vacation, my husband decided to go ahead and take off the rest of the month of December.  Let that sink in. Yes, let’s go ahead and just take a whole month for vacation.   Because we can, right?  Well, I couldn’t. And seeing as I was the one having to work, I immediately decided that having Christmas on Tuesday was not going to work for my schedule.  We would have it on Sunday instead which worked much better for me.  I did have a four-day weekend with the holiday but why wait and go crazy on Tuesday just to get up and go to work on Wednesday?  Sunday was much better.  We would do Christmas on Sunday, have leftovers on Monday.  Bean soup from the ham bone on Tuesday and R-E-L-A-X on Tuesday, the 25th. (Sometimes I am so smart I am beside myself).

So that is exactly what we did.  Christmas came a little early for us this year.  And when I found out that my son had eaten all my dinner rolls, the good part was that the store was open.  And it was a great Christmas:

I ate only the cherries:

Christmas Cherries

Abbey didn’t know what to do with a dog treat shaped like a gingerbread man:

Abbey Christmas treat

My girlfriend had sent me my Christmas gift.  When I told her we were opening gifts on Sunday she told me I had to wait until “the official” Christmas day to open it.  I would have ignored her but her birthday is today (Christmas eve day) and I feel bad for anyone who has a birthday close to Christmas so I didn’t.  It had better be a damn good gift for making me wait though.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas and New Year.  Enjoy being with family and friends and if you have to celebrate Christmas tomorrow and then be at work Wednesday morning, well just know that if there are no kids around – you can fake it, too.

LWL Musings # 93

I woke up one morning to go to work and discovered my son had made brownies in the middle of night.  I grabbed one and put it in a baggie to add to my lunch for the day. Then I thought about it a bit more. I sent a quick text to my son: “I took a brownie for lunch today. Please text me if I SHOULD NOT eat it.”  Didn’t hear anything back, ate the brownie.  Later my son asked me about the text.  He didn’t get it at all until I explained it to him.  Then he thought it was pretty funny.

Overheard in the grocery store: “My boyfriend is kicking me out the apartment and said I had to be out by the end of the month.  Well, that means I have two weeks to walk around the apartment naked to show him what he ain’t getting no more until I leave.”

I once told a teenager that you cannot call an infant an asshole. I mean, you should wait until the child is at least 4 or 5, right?  And the fact that this is even a conversation means that they are so not ready to have children.

My girlfriend told me she had a conversation with a guy about being “friends with benefits.”  He responded by saying that he already had medical insurance and didn’t need to have that kind of relationship.

Text to my husband:

text2

As soon as I asked my husband if he knew where my special nuts were, I knew the answer was going to be bad.  (Even worse, they were in my son’s room.  Normally one never eats any food that has been in his room but I made an exception.  I mean, they had cashews AND pecans!)

My daughter calls me Bougie because I quit scooping the cat litter box and just throw the whole thing away twice per week.  Boca is 14 and I guess it will be me and the litter box from now on.  Sucks.  And I use the expensive febreze cat litter too.  Cuz you don’t mess with cat pee.

 

No More Hallmark Movies for me!

My girlfriend lives for the Christmas Hallmark movies.  She was so excited that I thought I would give it a try.  She even texted me the Hallmark movie schedule.  So I spent 10 minutes looking for the damn channel amongst all my other cable channels and started recording some of them. (Not being able to fast forward through commercials would be a deal breaker for me).  But I just couldn’t.  Because here are ALL the plots for EVERY Hallmark Movie:

  • Someone will have amnesia
  • They are single because their partner died – NEVER Divorce
  • Someone is going to agree to relocate by the end of the movie
  • The first kiss will be interrupted- twice
  • There will be a snow storm
  • There will be a misunderstanding

Seriously, I tried.  I really did.

Hallmark

 

Hallmark2

Okay, so it is official.  I am officially banned and can no longer watch any Hallmark movies.  I am okay with that.