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33 Years of Marriage Later

My husband and I just celebrated our 33rd wedding anniversary.  Well, I wouldn’t really say celebrated. We got each other a card and said “Happy Anniversary.”  I mean, after you do this 33 times, you kind of know how it is going to go down.

So I got my husband a bag of beef jerky.  In his card, I told him that Google said the gift item for the 33rd Anniversary was dried meat.  My sister-in-law said it was really dream catchers. I decided to go with the dried meat. My husband is definitely not a dream catcher kind of guy.

He got me a new weed wacker and leaf blower.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Exactly what I wanted! (Again, 33 years means if I want whimsical, I go buy it)

After 33 years I thought I would offer a few notes of what it means to be married for so long:

  • I was happy to find out that my husband also checks me in the middle of the night to make sure I haven’t died in my sleep.
  • After being sick for two days I found a sick full of dirty dishes and overflowing trash. But that is okay.  It will be a cold day in hell before I change a light bulb.
  • My husband had been experiencing headaches for over two weeks.  I told him to go to the doctor.  He said he had an appointment on Thursday. With a dermatologist.
  • My husband told me to “send him in” for cigars. I brought back cinnamon (and didn’t even question the request).
  • We still argue over bologna sandwiches with mustard vs. bologna sandwiches with mayo and cheese.
  • We both secretly love it when the other falls asleep in the living room while watching TV so we can go to bed first and have the entire bed to ourselves.
  • We think of each other during the day and then the phone rings and we call each other.  Very annoying but happens all the time!
  • I forget to tell him that he has to make his famous beans and weenies for my office summer lunch potluck until 8 pm the night before.  And he says “You have to be fucking kidding me.” And then makes it.

Looking forward to year 34.  If I remember correctly I believe the gift item is wooden kitchen utensils.

 

Two Stories:

MY DAUGHTER’S NEW JOB

My daughter recently got a new job which is great.  She has finished all her training and is now working on her own and really enjoying it.  Until last Tuesday:

Eighteen text messages later I had agreed with every text she sent and finally got her calmed down.  In order to share the experience, I forwarded some of the texts to my husband and suggested that she share her annoyance.

And then I got one more text an hour later:

This is what I am sending her for her birthday next month:

STORY #2

IT’S ALL ABOUT THE PETS:

Abbey gets a summer cut every year.  She went to a new groomer this year.  Amanda said she was super good and everyone from the vet office would come back and say her name and she would wag her butt and tail in happiness. Amanda finally had to tell everyone to stop doing that.

Here is the before picture:

And here is the after picture:

My cute little one-eyed dog!  (But don’t tell her – she had it removed a few years back due to cancer)

And here is Abbey waiting patiently for Boca to finish taking a drink. Boca takes FOREVER to finish and poor Abbey has to just wait.  Sometimes she gets close and drools on him. BTW, that is their “Special Water.”  For some reason both animals think it is much better than the water inside. Probably because it has ice cubes.

And here is Boca being Boca when I refused to let him bother me while typing:

 

 

 

LWL Headlines

Sometimes I come across headlines or news stories that crack me up:

$175,000

The amount of cash that rained down on an Atlanta interstate after an armored truck’s door unexpectedly opened. Some drivers pulled over to scoop up the money; police want them to give it back. (MSN.com)

Yeah, I wouldn’t give it back.  This would be considered the cost of doing business and why there is insurance.

Fighter Pilots Draw Penis in the Sky.  Air Force says it was an accident. By Zachary Cohen, CNN (May 30,2019)

Of course they said it was an accident.  Because drawing boobies would make them too dizzy.

Cows Genetically Modified to Burp and Fart Less Could Cut Methane Emissions by Half (Newsweek, 7-15-19)

I wish I could genetically alter my son so his emissions would be cut in half as well. Or at least give me advance notice when he cuts one in the car.

Crashed spacecraft may have left tiny, hardy ‘moss piglets’ on the moon 

I want a job where I get to name shit “tiny, hardy ‘moss piglets.”  Except I would go with “minuscule glistening earth dribbles.”

Lightning struck a house and made a toilet explode

“The Exploding Toilets” would be a great name for a rock band.

Las Vegas Grasshopper Invasion sparks drink specials.

They are available in green glasses shaped like a grasshopper and costs $28.99.

You Can Now Get Matching Christmas Pajamas With Your Dog (Country Living, Aug 13 12:12 PM CDT)

I had totally planned on putting in a picture with my dog in pajamas but she wanted nothing to do with it.

We regret to inform you that pumpkin spice Spam exists (Morgan Sung, Mashable, 8/15/19)

I have never recovered from eating regular Spam as a child.

 

And Finally:

Our networking and virtualization teams identified an issue between the load balancer and the VMWare connection servers in the Secondary Data Center that present virtual desktops to thin and zero clients.

An IT explanation that should end with: “Which totally explains the explosion.”

 

A Good Time to Clean out the Glove Box

Got pulled over this morning on my way to work.  I mean, I saw the State Trooper sitting there.  I even checked my speed.  My immediate thought process was that there was no way I would be pulled over going 82 in a 70 when everyone else normally traveled around 80 mph.  But nooooooo. As soon as I saw the lights come on and the car pull onto the highway I knew I was toast.

So, using my blinkers appropriately and safely reducing my speed, I calmly prepared for the inevitable.

I pulled over and put on my hazards.  Turned my radio to NPR (you never know) and left my hands on the steering wheel in plain sight like I remember you were supposed to do from some article I read once.

Officer Campbell was very nice.  She introduced herself (I felt like I was supposed to say, “Hello, nice to meet you.  My name is Lori.”).  She told me she pulled me over for speeding and asked if I knew what the speed limit was.

I told her:  “It is posted 70 although the law was changed over two (2) years ago to 75 and I was going 82.”  And then I smiled.

She asked for my license, registration and insurance.

License was no problem.  For some reason, I could not easily locate the other in the messy glove compartment that my husband is always bitching about.  Officer Campbell waited a few minutes and then told me she would be back and I could give it to her then.

I continued to shuffle though the extra straws, napkins, menus, matchbooks and some stupid CD that I swear had been transferred to each new vehicle since 2006.  In fact, she took so long I decided to go ahead and clean out my glovebox.  Threw out all the paper goods, straws and the CD.  Neatly compiled all the maintenance papers into one pile.  Placed my tire gauge and the tire changing apparatus in the bottom.  Took out my registration and insurance card and put it in my purse for when she returned.

I handed both of them to her when she came back.  She looked them over and then said I needed to make sure to get an updated insurance card.  Which surprised me because my husband is a real stickler about insurance.

Officer Campbell just gave me a warning.  That was very kind of her.

Had some time to decide how to let my husband know.  My options were:

  1. Tell him I got pulled over on my way to work. Let him get all pissy and then tell him I only got a warning.
  2. Tell him I got pulled over on my way to work but only got a warning. Thus avoiding the whole pissiness thing.
  3. Tell him I got pulled over on my way to work. Take $200 from bank to “pay for the ticket” and spend it at Walmart.
  4. Tell him I got pulled over on my way to work and need $2,500 bail money because I tried to outrun the cop.

Settled with option 2 (paying being nice forward).  But did bitch that my insurance card had expired in 2017.  What is with that?  He told me he gets the new cards, cuts it out and leaves it on the counter and it is my responsibility to make sure it gets into the proper place.  Obviously something I have been ignoring for over two years.

LWL Week in Pictures

Someone should go to jail for leaving three sad Cheetos in a bag!

 

I went to work and put my iced tea in the freezer.  And then forgot about it. By the time it was lunch, it was completely frozen.  So then I had to put it in front of my little heater on high to melt it.  Lunch was so exhausting that day!

Here is my daughter’s birthday present.  I won’t mail it until next month.  But in the meantime she can review the picture and try to figure out what it is.  Because I know her.

No, this is not days worth of cat food. This is our cat who didn’t like the other two plates of cat food and meowed until he got what he wanted.  Because no one wants to hear him and he is too old to argue with.

Has anyone seen the little lighthouse that was on the counter in the bathroom?

And finally:

Our damn backyard is getting so overgrown with weeds it looks like a Kincaid picture.

Road Trip

My husband and I are about to begin a five-state, 11-hour journey to visit my daughter. If I remember correctly, the last time we tried this my husband quit talking to me for three states. He has already changed our departure time from 8 am to 6 am to 4 am.  At which point I am like “just poke me in the ass and I will grab my pillow and blanket, get in the car and go back to sleep.”

And we are having conversations like this:

Me: Christina wants us to bring the blue Dodger jersey, Cards Against Humanity game and a whisk.

Him: Why do I have to add it to my list?

Me: Because I know you have a list.  I have a post-it note.

I’ve done the most important thing – shopping at the Dollar Tree for a bag full of munchies, 5-hour energy shots, extra sunglasses and toys. (My husband removed the puffy Cheetos).  I even put back the toy that made the clacker noises because I know I can annoyingly do that already without help. But I did keep the glitter.  Because we are going to see my daughter’s boyfriend and it is his birthday and he hates loves glitter. (It’ll be okay – I’ll give him his card outside).

We decided we are going to drive his bat mobile so we spent last Saturday cleaning it inside and out.  Okay, he cleaned it – I just popped my head out a few times to ahhh and oooh over how shiny it was.  I did clean the custom made floor mats and was told I didn’t go a good enough job.  Hence the reason why I never help clean his car. And for the record, I am pretty sure that I will not be doing any of the 11-hour driving.  Not that I can’t but I just don’t see it happening.  But I’ll bring along my 4-inch cushion that I will need to sit on in order to see over the steering wheel.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Bat Mobile

I already did a face time with Christina in her old walk-in closet to see if there was anything she left that she wants us to bring (No).  She is, however, much more interested in kitchen stuff.  So we decided to give her our $25 mixer bowl. I had no idea it was such an expensive mixing bowl until I saw one just like it but smaller at an antique store.  I still have no idea why it is so expensive but since I only use it to store dog food, it is probably going to a better home.

CMJ Bowl

$25 Dollar Bowl

I am preparing the pets that we are leaving them with our son and they are to take whatever means necessary for attention. Boca-cat needs no instructions.  He is already a very talented pain in the ass.  Abbey will need to be a little more forceful than lying next to her empty dog bowl and sighing. My daughter and I had a plan to sneak Abbey into the back seat of the Camaro and bring her with. But my husband would most probably notice an 80-pound Golden Retriever dog in the back seat. Besides, dog hair is not allowed in his car.  Neither is Cheetos which is why I put them back in the munchie bag.

As usual, I will put everything off until the last minute to make sure my husband is irritated.  I will bring it all together in the end though and make sure we leave on time.  But once in the car, all bets are off.

So if I never blog again, please send someone to come look for me.  I was probably left somewhere along Hwy 40.

Entrepreneur at Age 7

There was a recent article on Reddit which asked parents what was the most stupid reason they received a phone call from the school regarding their children.  My favorite was a comment from a mom who said their 7-year-old son got in trouble for selling imaginary friends to first graders for $1.00 each.

I thought that was pretty ingenious and his parents should be pretty impressed.  Which reminds me of a story about my kids when they were around the same age.

I was a Girl Scout Leader and every year you have the much anticipated Girl Scout cookie sale.  One year I ended up having to be the “cookie mom” which meant we had hundreds of cookie boxes stacked in my dining room at home. Toward the end of the sale season, I ended up with a number of unsold cookies.  I moved them into the bottom of the pantry and there they sat.

Months later, my kids ended up with some money.  Knowing that a 7 and 9-year-old was too young to be gainfully employed, it wasn’t hard to get them to confess that they took all the unsold Girl Scout cookies from the pantry, stacked them in their little red wagon and sold them in the neighborhood.  All. Of.  Them.  And they had a pretty good stash of money for their efforts.  My daughter was pretty quick to throw her brother under the bus that it was his idea and I am pretty sure she was right.  But it also showed that she didn’t exactly shut the idea down, either.

So here I am trying to be a good parent with two elementary kids who have $60 and no way to know how to give the money back to the unsuspecting neighbors who purchased old, stale Girl Scout cookies.  Ultimately I made sure the kids knew that what they did was wrong and we donated the money to our church.  Which they were not too happy about but lesson learned.

I wonder if they could use this as an example of entrepreneurial spirit on their resumes.