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Woe is Me

If it weren’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all.

Gloom, despair and agony on me.

(If you know where the above comes from, you are old. Just sayin’)

You know I don’t like to complain (I can feel my sister rolling her eyes from 5 states away) but I have had a really crappy day. No, not crappy. Worse than that. A shit day. A real shitful day. No, a very, very shittery kind of day. Yes, that sounds better. Shitty, but with a little bit of glitter.

It started out okay, I mean I had to go back to the doctor sooner or later, right? It had been a year and while I loved telehealth calls my doctor was really getting on to me to come into the office and get that (sigh) annual visit done. So I scheduled it weeks ahead so it would be hard to cancel. What was shittery about that? Can we all say “Covid weight gain?” No, I will not disclose PHI (Protected Health Information) but I certainly did not lose weight over the past year.

After my doctor’s appointment, I started to drive to work. Now, both my work and doctor are in the same city, which is a 45 minute drive from my house (this will mean something in a minute). I make the left turn on the main street and all of a sudden my car sputters. I am like, WTF? And then it immediately dawned on me that I was out of gas. Which I have never, ever, ever done in my entire life. How hard it is to monitor your gas gauge and put gas in BEFORE it runs out? So here I am with a sputtering car, knowing I am about to full out stall and anxiously looking for a gas station. There! A convenience store across the street! Now, all I had to do was not completely run out of gas before getting there. I sit in the left turn lane and multi-task by lazer beaming the light to turn green, stare at the traitorous gas indicator on the dashboard – all the while praying to our great and powerful Lord to PLEASE, PLEASE let me make it. And believe it or not, I pull right up next to the pump and my. car. dies. I just sit there feeling blessed and sooooo happy! I pull out my bank card and walk to the pump. Took me a minute to realize that there was no gas hose. And then I noticed the message on the little TV screen that said “Pump out of service.” Yep, pulled right up to the only pump that was broken. I just stared at it. I walked into the store and told the clerks what had happened. I told them I tried to turn on my car to move it but no luck. It was completely empty of gas. But then a lovely lady in the store said she had a gas container in her car. I told her that would work great! I could pump some gas in it, pour gas into the tank and move my car to a pump that worked. But, but, but there was a catch. See the said gas container was somewhat broken. Meaning the black spout that goes from container to the car didn’t work. But no worry, she said. We’ll just get a paper cup, put a hole in the bottom and use it to as a spout to pour gas into the tank. So there I am. With a broken gas container, a cup with a hole in the bottom just shaking my head knowing that God was laughing his ass off at me. Needless to say, this endeavor did not work very well. Pouring gas into my tank using a tiny paper cup with a hole in the bottom was probably the least effective way EVER to get gas into a car. Which means, well, I got gas on my shoes. And hands. And down the side of the car. And probably more than a few shittery sprinkles on my pants and top. But. It. Worked. I probably dumped about $6.73 worth of gas on the ground, but it was enough and my car started! So I moved my car and filled the sucker up to the top.

My new dilemma is that I now reek of gas fumes. But I live too far away to go home and change. So I did the best I could in the gas restroom and continued on my way to work. At least I stopped by McDonald’s and got my favorite drink: A large sweet tea with extra ice.

I went into work and put everything down on my desk and turned around to my cube-mates to explain why we were all going to be high by the end of the work day and my F**CKING drink spills all over my desk. Seriously. Spilled on my chair. Spilled on my notebook. Spilled on my keyboard. All I can do is grab Kleenex to save my PC while everyone around me lends a hand.

And that is the end of my shittery day. I decided not to dwell on it too much because I was pretty much over it. I did put my shoes into a grocery bag to try and keep the stench down. My car will probably smell like gas for a week. Next time I go to Walmart I am going to buy a small gas container and put it in the trunk. I think I shall name it Shittery.

LWL Musings #91

Went to buy a lighter and the grocery clerk wanted my DOB and my DL. I told her that was too much of a commitment for a lighter. I don’t even smoke. Cigarettes. I have to tell you, she asked me more than once if I WAS SURE I didn’t want the lighter. I told her I would get one the next time I buy nighttime cough syrup and they make me present a copy of my birth certificate.

It is eight (8) days before my daughter’s wedding. Such an exciting time. But not for my husband who is the wedding planner. I mean, that florist had better not mess up the cake flowers. I can’t tell you how many spreadsheets there are. But a lot. Anyway, was talking to my niece the other day and she asked me what are the colors for the wedding? I did not know. I did know about the mauvey pink. Excuse me, Dusty Rose. I had to ask the wedding planner what the colors are. He told me Dusty Rose, Ivory and Navy Blue. Didn’t know that. And my son had no idea about the tradition of the brides family paying for the wedding expenses. But now he does and has included “parents have money” as one of the attributes for a future wife.

Text between me and my husband (FINE. My husband and I:)

Told my daughter she could use my flowers as her wedding bouquet. She asked if these were the flower pens I have had in my office forever. I told her they were, but we could wrap the ends so ink would not get on her wedding dress. She declined. (I didn’t have the heart to tell her how pissed off dad was at the florist and this might be her best bet…)

More wedding stuff. Now, I am sure after the wedding I will have lots to post about. My daughter and I already had this conversation: “Mom, so help me. If you wait until the last minute and it is too late to buy a dress and you go into your closet and ask yourself ‘which one of these are good enough for my daughter’s wedding?’ I will be so pissed.” Damn. There goes that plan.

Conversations with my son:

  • You have to be careful with Karma Liability.
  • This isn’t my first rodeo. In fact, I have a chapped ass already.
  • Cough, Cough Joe. (This was the note. I do not remember anything about this but am 100% it had to do with my son). Maybe I will remember some day.
  • My son said if a person writes “alot” instead of “a lot,” they should never have graduated from high school. Says the guy who had no idea that shoes came with the tux rental.
This is the sidewalk on my way leaving work for the day and walking to my car. I know it is hard to find parking downtown and I am so grateful my work has made sure we all have a parking spot, but this feels like it’s a little hazardous.

AND FINALLY:

I pass this on my way to work everyday. I always smile. And you have no idea what I had to do to get this picture. I had to be in the left lane, about 4 cars back from the stopped light so I would be able to get the shot from my driver’s side window.

I fought the Rose and the Rose won. I fought the Rose and the Rose won.

I have learned a lesson. In addition to reinforcing how much I abhor yard work, I have learned that while roses may be beautiful, they are blood sticking wood branch heathens with no respect for pruning shears.

I learned from last year that if we do not take the time to clean up our back yard before spring hits, it is 20 times harder to manage in the summer. (Or my usual plan which is to ignore all the thriving weeds). My husband has been talking about pruning the rose bushes next to our storage shed (which is really our GARDEN shed. A. garden. shed. What a waste of tin). Anyway I was looking at those damn rose bushes with no leaves on them yet and decided I would take a whack and prune them. I didn’t quite know where to start but I did learn REALLY FAST that they have thorns. A LOT of thorns. And they draw blood.

I started on the outside thinking I could prune my way inside. You should have heard the bushes laughing at me. All I got was a bunch of thorn branches that stuck to me. And my $1.00 Dollar Store garden gloves were useless. I tried to look for some welding gloves but couldn’t find them. (Probably because my husband doesn’t weld). Definitely nothing in the garden shed of any use and I am still not allowed to use the propane weed burner.

I did have this pissy pair of pruning shears. I got it off Amazon and it didn’t work as well as the reviews. I mean, they worked. But not against thorns. Definitely somehow missed the thorn attachment.

But I persevered. I cut those branches and then re-cut them into smaller pieces and put them into our big paper bags that we have to put out to the curb on Thursdays. I cut one branch out and as I pulled it out, it got stuck on my back. On. My. Back. I could feel those thorns just begging me to “go ahead, go ahead, pull me off.” I almost walked into the house to get help but was finally able to get it off me.

As this chore went on, I just got more and more mad at the damn bushes. By this time, I had scratches on both arms, my right leg and my garden glove was torn to shreds providing no protection at all. I had dried blood all over me and both hands had so many thorns in them it hurt to make fist.

This is when I decided it was all out war and I was going to win. I started pruning those bitches branches like a woman on a mission. They were NOT going to win! By golly I would trim the shit out them if I had to.

I really wish I had a “before” picture but alas I never thought this little chore would develop into a bloody war of the roses. (Say YEAH if you know the movie…)

Here is the “after picture:”

Yep. Can’t even see them can you? And I was also able to completely pull two of them out of the ground.

But I did not win. And the reason I know I did not win was because for three days after this, I had to wear band-aids on my fingers and they really hurt from all the splinters that got me. My arms and legs looked like I had marched through a jungle of thorns. I could barely type at work and ended up filling ten (10) bags of thorns. I was never so happy to see them leave the front yard.

The only good thing? I went to Home Depot and bought an $18 pair of gardening gloves.

WTF=Within the Family

And it stays WTF. At least until I think it is funny enough to post on my blog:

  • I love how my husband yells STOP IT from three rooms away when I play my phone game with the constant ping, ping, ping noises.
  • My husband was taking his truck in for service. He had to take it through the car wash first because it had been sitting outside for awhile. So I told him, “You wash your truck just like us ladies wash before we go see our vagina doctor.” He just doesn’t appreciate a good analogy when he hears one.

My son sent me a pic of his room. When I received it, I asked what the decoration was on the wall. It looked like some kind of octopus theme. He told me: “Mom, that’s my hair.”

  • My husband yells at me from the back porch, so excited I thought he was either in pain or won the lottery. When I rushed out he said: “It is 70 degrees out with snow on the ground. I am never going to see this again.” He may want to hold that thought. Winters are just weird now.
  • My husband asked me to call the local bank and see if they had a notary. I looked online and tried to find my little neighborhood bank that stays open until 7 pm for me. I kept on getting routed to this main phone. So I sat on hold. The little phone voice said ‘You’re wait is 14 minutes.” My husband comes in and asks if I found out yet. I told him I was on hold. He then proceeded to tell me that he had already spoken to Leigh Ann and she would be happy to notarize my letter. I just can’t be mad anymore. This pretty much sums up my husband.
  • I had to promise that I would NEVER EVER EVER drink milk out of my husband’s favorite beer glass again.
  • When I came home with dinner from Taco Bell, McDonald’s and Jimmy Johns I told my husband he owed me $50 bucks for the “Door Dash.” He straight up looked at me and said, “Honey, you have not dashed in years.”

  • Yep, this is me. I will only eat the top of the cinnamon bread and once I run out of icing, I am done.

Dear Karen:

My wonderful, kind, clean, funny, positive thinking, beautiful, round (It’s okay, we both admitted that we were round) friend went to heaven recently because of Covid. My devastation is real and I have to think back to the conversation we had not too awfully long ago when we talked about not wanting to live to be really old. I must have missed the small point that really old was not 53.

Karen loved it when I referenced her in my blogs, even if it were just the two of us and an inside joke. So in honor of Karen, here are some of my favorite memories:

  • I would tell her that I was going to lick the handrails along the Las Vegas Strip. She would freak out and pull out her hand sanitizer (for her, not me)
  • Karen would dog sit for people. Some had camera’s in the home. I would recommend lots of “fun” things for her to do for the camera. She would be offended and then we would laugh and laugh.
  • We both called her friends, “Church people.”
  • We would get so excited to go to Costco’s.
  • We loved to go to afternoon movies. Except she would never eat popcorn or anything with seeds. So I would throw popcorn at her to catch and eat. (She missed).
  • She came to visit me in Ohio and thought the cicadas in the trees were aliens coming to eat us.
  • She was so fun to tease. Because she never took it seriously and would play the part. Takes a really good friend to put up with that shit.
  • Our BFF song was “Poker Face.” Except she never really knew what song it was. (She did know it was ours when it came on though)
  • We could be as obscene as we wanted (well, okay. I was the obscene one) but it takes a REALLY super friend to be that comfy while talking so lewdly. And I will NEVER forget the memory at the XXX-rated store in Vegas. (The clerk told Karen it probably would not be a good idea for us to go into the movie part)
  • She would make best friends with whatever wait person we had at a restaurant.
  • I admired her for deciding to move to Seattle from Vegas. Packed up her car and just did it. Even if it did only last a few months. What an adventurous thing to do.
  • We would walk the halls of the casinos in Vegas for exercise and talk about the vagina shapes on the carpet. Or go behind a desk like we worked there giving out bogus information (We were asked twice to leave).
  • Her boss once asked her where the dictionary was. Not skipping a beat, she replied, Dictionary.com
  • I would always tell her she had to tell the story in less than 15 seconds. It got the the point where she would always say “Well, to make a long story short,” and then took a long time to tell it anyways. Damn I miss that.
  • She loved my two kids as much as her own. And vice-versa.

Rest in peace, dear Karen. May heaven give you everything you deserve and didn’t get while you were on this earth.

Love, Lori

Snowed in Fun

I asked my husband to go outside and have a snowball fight with me. He said no. I did throw a snowball at him while we were shoveling out the driveway but that was all I got. I thought about making a snow man but the only actual boots I had were expensive ones I usually wear to work.

So I did this:

My husband took one look and told me to get out. (Which was not that easy, BTW). So I had to complain to my daughter.

Sigh. Sometimes I really miss my kids.

We Left Ohio for a Reason…

I know many others have had it worst and I do appreciate that. What I don’t appreciate is getting over a foot of snow when usually we get NONE during the winter. Okay so at first it was neat and pretty but once it got down to 3 degrees, I was over it. Even our heater gave us a message about needing auxiliary power or something. I just kept my little heater with me everywhere I went. And my contribution for firewood wasn’t appreciated. I reminded my husband that I had asked and asked to use the axe but nooooo. So my fireplace responsibility came down to this:

This is how our yard looked:

We were snowed in for 5 days. Both cars died in the garage. They just said f**k you when we would not let them in the house where it was warmer. Once the snow was done, we had to clear the driveway to get out:

Which sucked in itself. First of all of course we did not have the proper snow shoveling utensils. So we made due with a flat shovel, a tile remover and a broom.

We even resorted to fire. But it didn’t work. (The premise was good, right?)

I guess we will always remember the great snow storm of 2021. Beat all records in the state. But I swear if it happens again, I am moving in with my sister, who was so considerate to have her daughter send me her Florida temperature (because I told her if she sent it I would block her) . Damn relatives.

My annual Valentine’s Day Blog

Valentine’s Day is a very special day for me and my husband. We got engaged on Valentine’s Day sometime in the 1980’s. Over the phone. I recorded the call (because I knew it was coming, of course) and I probably have the cassette tape somewhere. But I have never listened to it. I always thought we would listen to it on a special anniversary but never did. What I remember though is that after he asked me and I said yes, I asked him “when?” and he got all flustered and said he hadn’t even thought about that. The poor guy was just trying to make it through the proposal.

I married into my husband’s Golden Retriever, Star. She was the most special dog I have ever met. And she was so smart! She could give you “a look” and you would know exactly what she was saying or asking you. After we were married for a few months, Star decided to let me know who was REALLY in charge. The two of us were in the yard and Star started walking away from me down the short dirt road by the house. I saw her and said, “Star! Get back here right now!” Star stopped, turned her head around, looked at me and said, “I don’t have to listen to you, you are just another girl that is staying with us and I’ll be around long after you are gone.” I swear she did this. So I got all pissed off, ran down the road, grabbed her collar and dragged her butt back to the house while lecturing her the entire time about what Marriage means and I bet none of those “other girls” ever gave her a bath or cleaned her stupid ears. And after that episode, we had a great relationship. Even my husband commented on how much better we were getting along. It was the end of the jealous girlfriend phase. Between a wife and a dog.

So this Valentine’s Day our gift to each other is a new Golden Retriever puppy. We get to pick her up the last week of March. We are so excited. We have been pet-less for 9 months now. When you get all your pets at a young age together, you may end up with them all leaving together. Which is what happened to us. We lost Casey, Boca and Abbey all within 18 months of each other. Heartbroken but happy knowing that they all had a great life with us. We will never forgot such unique and funny pets. And they are all featured in the blog over the years for our memories.

Believe it or not, I am actually ready for Valentine’s Day this year. I found some Valentine Day cards that were 80% off so grabbed one. Not hugely sentimental or anything but cost $.78 which is HUGELY sentimental to me. And I got my husband a Yeti beer coolie thing. (Okay, so I got mine first and then felt guilty but it’s the end that really matters). But then my husband told me he was making me a special dinner for Valentine’s Day and said that was “all I would get.” I snickered and said, “Yeah, where is my card and box of Turtles?” He told me not this year.

So I am not sure if all my bitching about Valentine’s Day past has finally caught up with me and he decided to just quit. Or if he really means it. Just to be safe, I went out and bought a box of Turtles for me from him. I’ll let you know if I was lucky and got two boxes this year.

LWL Musings #4

My daughter is getting married this year. My son made the suggestion that she should have an adult bouncy castle at the wedding reception. I thought it was a good joke until I actually saw one in a YouTube video. No one had better let my son know.

Why is there an office rollie chair in my work elevator?

Sometimes I walk by our roomba vacuum tell it “Good Job!” because everyone needs positive reinforcement. (We named ours Agador because naming your roomba is required upon purchase).

I asked my husband what time it was when I woke up and he told me 10:30. I thought, Wow! I am getting up early for a Saturday. And then I realized it was 10:30 pm. (Those who know me realize this can totally happen). I literally got up, took a shower and put clean pajamas on.

I am so tired of trying to match the end of dip with the end of the chips. This has been going on for over a month now. When I am out of one, I have too much of the other so have to go buy more and it is just a vicious cycle. But it is chips and dip. I’m okay doing this at least until summer.

I just realized I might be high maintenance.

Sad to say that my husband and I have recently stooped to the level of arguing over who uses the most toilet paper for conversation during the quarantine.

And, finally:

My Foodie Post

Haven’t bitched, I mean, complained about food lately. If you have stumbled upon this post on accident, well. Sorry. I mean, I won’t ever tell my husband we will be having Grilled Quail with Mango and Arugula for dinner.

BUT I will tell him today’s special will be a slab of pre-cooked ham, macaroni and cheese from the well-known Kraft Box and canned green beans (I would have said French Style green beans from a can but I didn’t want to sound too pompous). Topped off with a large glass of pasteurized, red top milk (No one really likes the blue top):

This meal has been a household staple for years. I once substituted corn for the green beans and both kids complained about it

Then again, I am also not opposed to take out food. For instance:

I will be having a roast beef sub from Jimmy John’s; broccoli cheese soup from Quiznos; sweet tea from McDonald’s and for dessert – Cinnamon twists from Taco Bell. Yes, I went to all these drive-thru’s for this lunch. And I am not ashamed to admit I will do it again. This is really handy when I ask my husband what he wants for lunch and he asks me where I am going.

Which leads me to this conversation between me and my daughter:

Finally, I will end with this note. My work has a snack area. I walked in yesterday and found this for .25 cents:

I am a sunflower seed junkie. But ONLY David and Son’s JUMBO seeds. And these days I have to go to a special store to find them. I think this is a sign that this new job is going to work out really, really well.

Stay tuned. Next time I will be offering my favorite Campbell Soup casserole recipes!