Category Archives: Work

It’s not what it seems…

James, quick – my husband is coming.  You have to go NOW!

Hold up.  I am almost finished.

Well, hurry up!  I can hear him coming down the hall.

One more second…

Get out NOW! 

Ok. Fine. Finished.

Now, anyone overhearing this conversation may think the wrong thing.  And I admit it does sound pretty sketchy.  So let me give me you the context:

I had to VPN into my work computer from home and couldn’t get it to work. So I called the IT help desk at my work.  I can say without hesitation that EVERY SINGLE TIME I have called the help desk, I get the nicest, most helpful person.

I have been having issues with this for awhile but haven’t really worried about my VPN access until our recent weather.  I am considered “essential work personnel” so have to work no matter what.  The good thing is that I am authorized to work from home.  (As a reminder, last winter when I tried to go to work during inclement weather, my car was totaled).

Earlier in the week, I had put in a help desk ticket because I had tried to remote into the PC in a conference room and it didn’t work.  By the time Anthony called me (it was 5:20 pm) and I told him I couldn’t access my PC, he remoted into mine and said someone was already using it.  I told him it was me.  Then I told him to not judge me. But he checked everything and said it should work.

So I tried it from home.  And of course it did not work. Which resulted in my call to James. Bless his heart, he tried to talk me through it over the phone, he really did.  And if anyone has every tried to be a help desk to an aging parent you will have the exact image in your head.

James finally asked if he could just remote into my home computer and fix it.  Now, here is my dilemma. My husband is a hound about his PC.  I even have my own separate sign in with major firewalls and probably a bunch of other shit that will protect his PC.  So allowing some “stranger” into his PC would definitely not be a thing he would be agreeable to.  (I did ask James if I could trust him not to mess with my PC and hold all my shit for ransom.  He told me he was impressed; I was the first person to ever even bring that up).  I let James remote into my computer which resulted in the conversation above.  There really is a reasonable context for everything.

And in the event my husband reads this, I made up this entire blog.


My Live Chat with a Customer Support Agent

All I wanted was a phone number to talk to a REAL person.  That’s all.  So I google the company and search all over their website for that highly treasured 1-800 number.  Alas, not to be found.  DESPITE this lovely bit of information on their home page:

This Company has the answer, the information and the resources to help you with all your  business needs. Read Frequently Asked Questions, check out detailed information on our products and services or contact us with any questions via email, phone or mail. (Yes, there it is BY PHONE. Sure wish I could have found where they were hiding it).

Finding no alternative, I clicked on the “Contact us” link.  Yeah, it’s like their phone number is super classified secret. But I did get to have this great online conversation:

A live chat agent is available now to assist you. Our live chat services are designed to save you time and create easy access to important information without your needing to pick up the phone.  (But I really, really WANTED to pick up the phone!)

Would you like to chat with a customer service representative now?

  • Yes
  • No

You: Yes

Company: What is your first name?

You: Are you calling me on the phone?

Company: What is your last name?

You: You want my phone number?

Company:  What is your email address?

You: Please just give me a phone number

Company: What is your phone number (with area code)?

You: 555- BR5499.  Are you going to call me?

Company: Do you agree to be bound by the Chat and Co-browse Terms of Use?

  • Yes
  • No

You: Yes (Okay this is a bit scary because of course I didn’t read it and it probably says you promise never to blog about the company.  So I am accepting legal advice and not naming the company. Yes, totally weenied out).

Company: You are now chatting with Albert A

Albert A: Hello.  Are you calling me on the phone? You want my phone number? ,thank you for visiting I am Albert and will help you today.

You: Hi Albert, can I have your phone number please?

Company: I am Albert and will help you today.

You: Yes, you already said that. What I really need is your phone number or you can call me?

Albert A: I would love to call you. However, I regret to inform you that the Company Chat Support Team is not equipped with any tool to contact our customers via phone. (WTF?)

If you need to talk to our Customer Service representatives over the phone to be promptly assisted with regard to your concern, please call 1-800-555-1212.

It is my pleasure to have assisted a valued customer like you. Is there anything else I can assist you with?  (Wow! I feel so valued!  Only took me 15 minutes to get a stupid phone number).

It looks like everything has been covered. Thank you for chatting with us. If you need further assistance feel free to contact us again. (Trust me, I am taking this phone number and if anyone else wants it, call me and we’ll discuss price).

Your live chat session has ended. You are now chatting with the Company Virtual Assistant. (Because of course there has to be someone ELSE to internet chat with, right? I kind of wanted to start a conversation with the Virtual Assistant, but I refrained myself.  I really could have had so much more fun but I had to call the company).





I made a cop with a gun cry

My girlfriend has applied for a new job. Smart or not, she asked me if I would be a reference for her.  To which my response was: “How much do I get paid?”

Now, I have provided references for a number of people in the past but this has to be my first reference that included instructions to complete and return 8 pages of reference forms within a 72 hour timeframe and which also included questions on financial well-being and how many times the cops have been called to the residence.

Just to let my friend know I did an absolutely awesome job with her reference, I mailed her a copy of the completed application (Mailed within 80 hours just because I am a rebel)

Question:  Please summarize the characteristics of the applicant.  Other than sleeping with her boss on that one business trip  (which is totally understandable – he is a hottie!) and coming into work that one time drunk and hung over (she did apologize) I feel the applicant has all the qualifications you are looking for in an employee

Question: How is the ability of the applicant to think logically and in an organized fashion?  Before or after smoking marijuana?

Question:  Did the applicant complain about work responsibilities?  All the f**cking time.

Question:  Did applicant have or discuss any difficulty with domestic relationships?  Only if they refused to pay her afterwards.

Question:  Any knowledge of being convicted of crimes?  Arrested or actually convicted?

Question: Does the applicant have difficulty handling confrontational people?  Nah, she just smacks the shit out of them and walks away.

Question: Does the applicant have difficulty remaining calm and poised under stress?  Not at all – you should have seen how calm and collected she was when we robbed that 7-11 one time.

Question: Has applicant expressed difficulty meeting financial obligations?  Only when she gambles away her entire paycheck or her clients do not pay on time for their drugs and/or sex.

Question: Would you consider applicant to be quiet or passive?  Is this a question related to sex?

Question: What is the applicants ability to communicate verbally?  Swears like a sailor but not so good at the written communication.  Ends all communication with F**K YOU which everyone knows should not always be in all caps.

Question: What is this applicant’s most outstanding trait and why?  Her ability to party until 4 am yet still make it to the early morning church service on time.

Question: List applicant’s hobbies and recreational activities:  Sex with strangers, drinking white wine spritzers, dabbing in recreational drugs in a very responsible manner and movies. Does NOT like to camp due to personal public toilet issues.

Oh yeah, in reference to the title of this blog:  Because of my glowing reference, she got the job.  But then she had to give notice at her current job which is in law enforcement.  The title is the text she sent me when she told her boss police officer that she was leaving.