Lines for Oddly Shaped Oriental Cookies

By Pseudonym – Victor Vega

So, I came across this original writing in my travels.  I absolutely loved it. I have more writings of Victor Vega but I think I will wait and see if he sends me an attorney letter to cease and desist before posting any thing else.

Your lack of love life stems from your inability to separate love and co-dependence.

You will soon embark on a business venture but ultimately end up with a dead hooker.

Stop wishing, start doing. (Excludes pedophiles, rapists, and murderers)

Life has a very dependable source of lemons.

You will be successful in love, as long as you lower your standards…like a lot.

Happiness comes from a fulfilling life, Xanax, and dissimulating your underlying faults.

That entire bottle of Jack Daniels isn’t going to drink itself.

Everyone thinks your poetry is shit.

Who put Tarantino in charge of the police state?

You think you’re Hemingway but you’re more Fitzgerald.

Bukowski was right.

A few drinks with Bill Cosby and who knows, maybe something will happen.

A chance encounter opens up new doors to social anxiety and lying about your current state of affairs.

You have a deep appreciation for the calves of women between the ages of 40 and 50 years old.

It’s election time, and we’re all fucked.

And finally:

Stop taking life advice from stale cookies.

 

 

Mom Alarm Clock

Even though my son has moved to a city five states away from me, I can still get him moving in the morning.  Besides, he shouldn’t ask for my assistance in getting him up the night before if he really didn’t mean it:

text 1

text 2

 

Follow the Rules if you are Going to Use the Office

I have been using our home office a lot lately.  I have various projects I am working on and always enjoy pursuing the Internet for interesting and entertaining news, advice columns, comics and Craigslist ads which I admit is my guilty entertainment.  California ads are the weirdest.

But I guess my husband is not very happy that I am in his our office so much.  Over the past several weeks, I have had the following rules explained to me:

  • No eating in the office.
  • No empty cups or glasses allowed.  You are allowed to drink but must remove them once empty.
  • Especially no disposing of food items in the office wastebasket.  Only paper is allowed.
  • He would prefer I do not use the heater because the room should be kept cool.  But he knows he would be unreasonable so he struggles with this one.  Except for the time when I didn’t put the heater away and he tripped on it.  THAT was a super long lecture.
  • No paper towels or napkins can be left on top of the desk.
  • No lilac scented candles.  (I reminded him he got it for me for Christmas but he still said no).
  • I have a drawer in the desk.  Any papers that I have need to be placed in the drawer prior to leaving.
  • I have to shut down the computer when I leave.  Even if for an hour.  And don’t forget to turn off the monitor as well.
  • OMG!  DO NOT place ANY sticky notes on the PC!  EVER!  Evidently this is grounds for losing computer privileges.

Being the understanding wife who listens so well, I respond accordingly:

desk

I do eat in the office.  But only when my husband is not at home.  And while I do throw food away in the office trash can, I do cover it up with paper so it isn’t noticeable. I have no idea why this is an issue.  My husband rarely if ever empties the trash can.  That’s my job. candle

 

 

 

Whenever he walks into the office and accuses me of having my scented candle in there, I tell him I don’t smell anything and offer to spray the horrible air freshener that I know he hates.

Office heater I will agree that the heater precariously perched on top of the waste basket (that contains food) is not ideal. But I got tired of moving my favorite heater from the living room to the office every day.  I did apologize that he tripped over it and have been more careful about putting it away. Bu I refuse to unplug it every time which is still an issue.

PC NotesThe sticky notes on the PC really isn’t a deal breaker for me.  Sometimes I leave one that says “I love you” just because I know it would be hard to bitch about a sticky love note but am pacing myself.  It’s really hard not to write one that says: ” Take $1,768 from bank to pay court bill.”

So I think we have come to a truce.  I open my little desk drawer, swipe everything off the desk into it and shut the drawer.  When he starts complaining about the smell I am sure I will get a new lecture.

A $21.00 Ass and the Stolen Bathroom Scale

A $21.00 ASS

My husband and I recently went to the casino.  It was a tiny one in a large warehouse. When I asked if there was somewhere to get food, I was directed to the convenience store next door that had 3 tables and many varieties of fried liver. I am not really into gambling but I do like some of the slot machines.  I came across one that I wanted to play just for its content value for my blog.  So $21.00 dollars later I finally got what I wanted. The letters spelled out A-S-S.  Yes!  $21.00 at 50 cents a swipe means I pushed the damn button 42 times.  All I wanted was the word “Ass.”  Not “Sass,” not “As,” but “Ass.”  I am sure those around me thought I had won a shit ton of money as excited as I was to FINALLY see the word “ASS” come up.  If nothing else, I am pretty sure I amused the hell out of the guy sitting next to me.  Got my Ass, took the picture and left.  I won.

Ass Slot

 

A STOLEN BATHROOM SCALE

I am not sure how this actually happened, but somehow our bathroom scale was stolen.  Because we always kept it in the cabinet below the sink in the master bathroom and now it is no where to be found. I have no idea how long because I just assumed my husband had moved it and he assumed I had (because who really weighs themselves on a regular basis, right?) but when we finally asked each other where it was, no one knew.

I will confess that I was most probably the last person who touched it.  I did try to weigh myself and it didn’t work so I took out the battery and put it in my purse to replace it next time I went to the store. It took me four months to remember to buy the damn battery.  Two months after that, I found it sitting on the counter in the kitchen and moved it to the bathroom counter.  One month after that I pulled out the scale and replaced the battery and then…Pooof.  Missing.  Gone.  I’m not even sure I weighed myself after I got it working again (I’m sure that if I did, I had lost 10 pounds).  Once my husband found out I had lost the bathroom scale, he was a man on a mission.  He went to every bathroom and every closet.  Even got the flashlight and looked under the bed.  I was helpful.  I asked my dog, Abbey, if she had seen it.  Or maybe remembered what I did with it. She was of no help. So now our scale is missing and it is driving us crazy to know what happened to it.  I think someone broke in and stole it.  There really is no other explanation.  And damn, now I really want to weigh myself.

LWL Musings #70

  • I wasn’t planning on taking a shower on Saturday until I stood next to my husband and he told me I was stinky.
  • Morning Prayer to God:  Please help me to be more healthful in 2020. Well, except for the eight pieces of fudge that I know you know I put in my lunchbox this morning. But I swear I am only going to eat the nuts. Okay, please start helping me tomorrow. Amen.
  • I answered my husband’s cell phone when my daughter called him. I tried to be funny and made my voice sound like a guy so she would totally think she was talking to her dad. Note to self:  Do not do that again. It just freaked her out: “Mom! what is wrong with you!?”
  • We had game night last month with our daughter and her boyfriend. We played “Head’s Up” using the app on her phone. The words were all hard. We found animals to be the easiest but in hindsight, maybe it was because we were drinking Tequila. We were on the “Movies” category and my husband had the phone and I had to describe it. The name of the movie was “Godzilla” so I immediately starting talking about the tall building and the ape and the planes and my daughter told me I had the wrong movie. Which I totally denied and then my husband immediately guessed “Godzilla” correctly. And THAT is what 34 years of marriage looks like!
  • I spilled marshmallows on the carpet in my office and then inadvertently ground them into the carpet with my rollie chair.  Do you have any idea how hard it is to get smashed marshmallows out of carpet?
  • I guess there is this new rule where you no longer need to have two spaces after the period of sentences. Except that is what I have been doing for years. I just can’t stop the habit and now have to remember to go back and remove the extra space. This is so irritating. Who decides the rules?
  • I told my husband I was going to make my Golden Retriever, Abbey, a service dog. He said, “How can she be a service dog? She only has one eye.” I guess she will have to be my one-eyed emotional service dog.  If only I could get her to quit begging for food.

I am a Bad Patient

And I know I am a bad patient because my husband told me so. And the reason he knows is because he is the one who gets yelled at by the doctor after every procedure I have ever had done. It is so convenient that I am always still under the effects of anesthesia when this happens.

So the latest experience was when I had to have cataracts removed from both eyes and special toric lenses inserted so I no longer need glasses. I wasn’t thrilled with this – in fact, I was rather pissed because I feel like I am way too young to have cataracts. (By the looks of the waiting room, I am correct in this assumption). My doctor told me he is seeing more and more younger people needing cataract surgery due to working in front of a computer all day. That may be so, but I am not on Medicare; therefore, I should not need this stupid surgery. The fact that my husband would no longer ride with me when I drove at night was not related.

When I started the pre-appointments, I immediately told the doctor that I had a super big issue with anyone messing with my eyes.  I mean, I can mess with my eyes but no one else can. To which he responded, “Yes, you and 70% of everyone.  Don’t worry, you will be sedated and won’t even remember.”  (Words he would come to regret).

After a million tests and signed papers and money, my surgery day finally came.  Anxious was not the word for it. My anxiety was at an all time high. It is a bit like cattle herding.  Go here, get the pretty blue bonnet and booties.  Go here and get eye drops.  Go here get labeled.  Get more eye drops. Go sit in the big chair and get more eye drops and an IV.  By the time I was On Deck I was totally freaking out.  When Jim, the anesthesiologist, came to speak to me I clearly conveyed my concerns to him. I was again reassured that “it’s nothing and will be over in 10 minutes- 15 minutes tops.”

Then I get rolled into the room.  Just imagine my sense of being as I am transitioned under the laser and a nurse saying, “I just need to make these four marks directly on your eye with this marker.  Don’t worry, you won’t feel it.”

Well, worry I did.  And I said so.  And then they did something else and I remember clearly stating, “I CAN FEEL THAT!” and I don’t remember anything much after that but according to my husband, the doctor said I would not shut up.  He said the doctor was so pissed at me that he didn’t even introduce himself but just started right in about how  horrible I was.  That I complained of pain when there clearly was not any and that they had to give me THE HIGHEST dosage of sedation medication just to finish the procedure. He completed this conversation by saying that maybe we should consider going to the hospital and being totally sedated for the other eye.

My husband was not happy with me on the way home.  So I took these really  cool selfies of my left eye being hugely dilated and messaged them to everyone telling them I took drugs and they only half worked.

A week later I am scheduled for the right eye.  This time going in I was smarter and took a Valium.  And had another one in my pocket just in case. So I was pretty happy and relaxed this time. Plus I knew what to expect.  I was the very first patient (obviously scheduled that way to get me the hell in and out).  As the marker came and the laser positioned, I heard the doctor remark about how much better I was.  Then I heard Jim reply, “She took a Valium.” This time my husband said my doctor was very happy with me.

I was supposed to wear sunglasses on the way home and my husband forgot my purse was in the trunk.  Taking advantage of an opportunity to be irritating and not get in trouble, I proceeded to put the car throw over my head and then make various bomb noises and blow up myself underneath all the way home.  Well, except for the time my husband got out to buy alcohol.

So I had successful surgery on both eyes with very positive results. I still find myself going into the bathroom at night to remove my contacts and then realizing I don’t need them anymore. I am just not ready to throw them out yet. After almost 45 years it is a very hard habit to break. I am thinking about taking all my contact lens stuff and glasses and having a little impromptu memorial ceremony by the garbage can.  I can pretend to blow them up.

 

LWL Musings #23

Said to my husband as I was leaving to do errands:  “Are there any gifts that you want from the Dollar Store?”

So our elevator broke at work.  I work on the 4th floor.  I received an email from the building office manager that there were six boxes of copy paper left in the hallway on the first floor next to the elevator that had an “Out of Order” sign on it. She said no one else in the building had ordered paper and since there was no documentation with it, it must be mine.  Except I did not order copy paper either.  But after I received the third email and one phone call, I said, Fine, I’ll take the damn copy paper.  And no one had better renege on it because after hauling the damn boxes up the stairs, I am not giving it up now.

I was so pissed that I had to go to store the day before Thanksgiving that when I got home, I ran down the hall saying I had to quickly get to the bathroom and then sat in there for 30 minutes playing a game on my phone.

Dear God, I am too tired to pray today. Please forgive me. Amen.

You know, sometimes I will just call myself an “OK Boomer” and I am okay with it.

I was preparing to bake last weekend and unfortunately discovered that I was out of baking soda.  I was getting ready to go to the store and get more when my husband pulled the box of baking soda out of the refrigerator and said I could use that.  (Yeah, for the record I did not).

Conversation with my husband:
“Lori , we are trying to save money”  Me: “Okay,” as I open the McDonald’s Chicken McNugget Kids meal to feed to my dog.

I was waiting for my ride after work and this new girl pushed the Emergency Exit button to leave the building. As she left I just knew the building police were going to come running and ask me what my emergency was. (And then I learned you can push that button and nothing happens.  Good to know).

My daughter and I got into an argument about fish throw-up.  I told her fish don’t throw-up and she told me they do.  Damn Internet.

 

Your LWL Christmas Gift Guide

In case you are still looking for Christmas gifts for that special someone, below are some great gifts that you may want to consider:

For that breakfast lovin’ person in your life:

Gift 2

I did throw up a little in my mouth when I saw this one…

For that special cat-lover in your family:

Funny Gift 3

Well, it’s either this or cat litter.

For that environmental-friendly person who drives a Prius:

Funny Gift 7

Metal, reusable straws.  With a cleaner!  Wow! How happy would you be to get a set of these!
 

For that special person who has everything (and I mean EVERYTHING)

Fun Gift 4 Avocado Huggers

And if they already have these. Well, then  Well Played!

For the game player in your life:

Funny Gift 8.png

Have no idea what the rules are.  I do know for sure that actual kittens are not included.  P.S. If the person who gets this seems really happy about the gift, I would be very careful what you say around them.

For those glitter-loving souls:

funn-gift-5.jpg

I’m not going to lie. I would rather like this as a gift.

For the animal lover in the family:

funny-gift-2.jpg

I have no idea what this would be used for but it does come with a handy “Pocket Guide!”

So there you have it.  There are tons of gift lists out there on the Internet for help in getting presents.  But I bet none of them are as good as mine!

Happy Shopping!

Disclaimer:  Poster may or may not receive a nominal cash percentage of all gifts purchased.

Internet Browsing with LWL

Came across this ad for Mobile White, a teeth whiting device:

This device uses an extremely effective whitening gel paired with natural teeth whitening LED light. The great part? The light is powered by your phone! Kick back, connect the gadget to your phone and watch Netflix while Mobile White works its magic.

I’m sorry but I definitely will not be connecting my cell phone to my teeth.

Clockly Alarm Clock on wheels:

The best wake up call ever. Never be late. Clocky (Clockie) the only bedside alarm clock that will run away, hide, roll, wheel, beep, and jump (up to a 3 feet nightstand).

This would definitely work for me.  It takes A LOT to get me out of bed in the mornings.  Saying that, if anyone gets this for me as a gift, I will never speak to you again. Runaway Clock (1)

This woman revealed her baby’s gender through a fart. 

Ginn’s Instagram video starts out innocent enough: Yes, it shows her bottomless, posing on her stomach, but the caption, which just says “Gender Reveal ” doesn’t really hint to anything groundbreaking. The world would be a better place if the video just stopped there, but we aren’t that lucky; Ginn is seen concentrating/bearing down for a minute, only to be shown a few seconds later farting out blue powder. Let me just repeat that for you: She farted out blue powder for her gender reveal.
Gender reveals are annoying enough but this takes it to a whole new level.
Employment ad for a Stone Carver:
Stone Carver/Cutter Confidential
Stone Carver/Cutter Manual dexterity, Knowledge of stone carving techniques, sense of artistry 4 years’ experience carving from marble, limestone and other materials, Skills: plan carving, select appropriate chisels and pneumatic tools and determine sequence of use; cut stone bases; hand-carve limestone moldings according to architectural designs and blueprints to go around mosaic tiles, as a picture frame. Send resume.                                                                                                                                                                                                I bet this ad resulting in a ton of resumes, right?  And why is it confidential?  Is there some special issue regarding stone carving that needs to be confidential?  I wonder if you could lie on your resume and learn it once hired. You know, like when you say you are advanced in Excel. 
Wal-mart Employee of the Month:
Sometimes I feel like I should just read a book and stay off the Internet.

 

20 Signs you are Officially Old

I came across an article on the Internet the other day that gave examples of how you know you are really old.  I disagreed with some of them:

  1. Eating Taco Bell at 3 am would absolutely NOT settle on your stomach. (Does it count if it is 11 pm?)
  2. You have felt a mild interest in antiques.  (In my opinion, antiques are and forever will be OLD SHIT)
  3. Your houseplants are alive.  (Nope.  Dead.  All of them. Everytime)
  4. You learned about a new rapper on NPR. (Do I get bonus points for singing to their songs on the radio?)
  5. You no longer drink adult beverages from mugs. (Well, since I really never drink I don’t think this one would apply to me.  I once pissed off my husband when he asked me to pick up some wine on my way home and I brought it in a box. I guess it’s A THING.  Besides all the wine glasses are kept in a cupboard shelf that I can’t reach)
  6. You set your alarm early so you can “enjoy the morning.” (Yeah, that’s never going to happen. However, I do set the alarm early to give me advance notice that I have up to eight [8] snoozes before I have to drag my ass out of bed. And maybe 10 if I don’t wear makeup)
  7. You sort of forget that night clubs exist. (Oh, I know they exist. Last time I went I remember they were sticky)
  8. None of your houseplants can be smoked. (Yet)
  9. You have unironically enjoyed a dad joke. (Does that include the “That’s what she said” ones? Cuz I am really good at those)
  10. You have literally no desire to go to a music festival. (Would a Barry Manilow concert count?  Jimmy Buffet?  Santana?  I mean, they would serve alcoholic beverages)
  11. You have a hot mail or yahoo account.  (I am NEVER going to give up my yahoo account because I have had for over 20 years. I may rarely if ever check it, but I have it)
  12. You have a large collection of cloth shopping bags.  (For the environment of course. Everyone should.  I would assume one would get bonus points if they remembered to actually take them with you before you go into the store)
  13. You have a lot of feelings about House Hunters. (I just can’t understand how they can afford a $600,000 house based on their occupations.  And I can still fast forward through an episode in 7.5 minutes)
  14. It’s years since you ordered a Long Island Iced Tea. (So, if I am ever in Long Island, and I order a sweet tea that would technically count, right?)
  15. You’ve used the same lipstick color or aftershave for the past 10 years. (Waaayyyy too much commitment.  So, no)
  16. You are baffled and disturbed by bikini-line waxing trends. (Not exactly baffled and disturbed. I just don’t understand why you would want to intentionally hurt yourself doing it)
  17. You’ve considered getting into couponing. (Tried it, sucked.  I do like Costco, though)
  18. You’ve tried several different hummus brands. (WTF is hummus?)
  19. You have silently started to say “oh God” when you stand up. (Well, yeah.  But only because I have this really cool vertigo thing going on and I love the spinny feeling that comes with it)
  20. You no longer pull out gray hairs.  (That is true, I just dye the shit out of them. And then use root cover up when it starts to grow out at the roots and now they have this really cool spray dye as well)

So I don’t know if I am “technically” old or not.  I can always try this in another 10 or 15 years and see.  Who knows?  Maybe by then my “houseplants” will be ready to smoke.