Dear God, I am sorry that I only scored 15 out of 40 on the Internet quiz about the Bible. In my defense, it was really, really hard and some of the multiple choice answers were confusing.
I am especially embarrassed because I scored 32 out of 35 on the Beverly Hillbillies quiz.
- Remember what entrepreneur and motivational speaker Jim Rohn once said: “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” That’s it – I’m telling my 20-something son to quit bringing his friends over every day.
This was a response from ASK CAROLYN advice column. The best ones will just tell you like it is: As with any unknown animal, you approach slowly, with your eyes cast down in a nonthreatening way. Offer a biscuit if you have one. That’s what my dog thinks, anyway. She filled in for me while I was off retching.
And here is another one:
You don’t get to mentally pee on people (Specialk9 11/20/17).
There are so many times I could mentally pee on someone.
- I love email. What I do not like is when there is one recurring email that is being sent, like 87 times over and over again WITH A MISSPELLED WORD IN THE SUBJECT LINE! I would correct it but the damn work email professional society says I am not allowed.
I overheard my son talking to his girlfriend:
“No, I have to sanitize it first. We have to make sure the needle is sterilized.”
So I immediately barged into his bedroom because, well, I am a mom and it was the right thing to do when there is any potential reference to drugs.
I found his girlfriend helping him remove a sticker from his foot.
One of the positive things about Christina moving back home was that she was now hooked on working out in a gym. She asked if I wanted to join a gym with her. She said all the right things, how good it would be for me, we could work out together and spend time talking while on the treadmill and it was only $10 a month.
So I joined a gym.
Little rocky at first. Definitely learned some quick lessons:
- Didn’t know you weren’t supposed to change clothes in the (gasp) woman’s locker room. You have to go into a bathroom stall where no one can see your bra and panties. It was just the look on all the millennials faces the one and only time I did it that made me learn my lesson. Yeah, nothing is more fun than being a frumpy, middle-aged woman like me who has to come right from work and then remove pantyhose while trying to balance in a small stall.
- And I know she was right, but I was still pissed when Christina would not let me bring in my $1 McDonald sweet tea into the gym. I told her I needed it to hydrate and she handed me water.
- I know I am going to work out but that does not stop me from circling the parking lot 8 times to find a VFR (Very Front Row)
- The personnel trainer was great in giving me an individualized training program specifically focusing on my flabby underarms. Sure would be nice if I had a clue as to which machines she was referencing. Gym staff didn’t get it when I asked if they had a floor map of all the machines so I could circle the ones I was supposed to use. And I am sorry but some of these machines are just obscene. If I have to lie down, I’m not doing it.
My husband is not on board with this. Don’t get me wrong, he is thrilled I am working out 3-4 times per week but he still insists that we have all the exercise equipment at home and there is no reason I need to pay to go to a gym. Except there is. He has no idea what it means to a frumpy, overweight, middle-aged woman to hear the words:
“Have a great workout!” every time I walk in.
My daughter and her boyfriend broke up so she moved back home. I guess it happened quite suddenly via text message. He told her he thought it “would be better” if she moved back home so she wouldn’t be so stressed from going to college full time and working full time and living together. A text that was the beginning of the end despite his quick clarification that while he did say she needed to move out of the apartment, he didn’t mean that they couldn’t continue to see each other.
I would tell you Christina’s reply but I am really trying to keep my blog PG-13.
So of course we were the supportive parents. I said all the right things and came over to help her pack while my husband reserved the truck. Which is exactly what great Dad’s do – at the drop of a hat they come to the rescue. No questions asked. Just a great dad. Now, on the other hand, we had to promise my son beer if he would come and help us move her. And then he immediately switched it up to a 30-pack when he found out she was on the second floor.
It was three days later that I made the following observation:
“You do realize that you were more upset about not getting UGG boots for Christmas than you are about this, right?”
And so that ended that.
While my husband and I are again sharing our residence with our 20-something child, there was someone who was really happy to have Christina home.
Sometimes I just wish she would let me be her relationship fortune teller so I could just tell her: No, No, No, Okay play with that one for a little while, No, Maybe, Ohh yes he is cute isn’t he, no, no, let’s see, no, no.
A mom can dream, right?
James, quick – my husband is coming. You have to go NOW!
Hold up. I am almost finished.
Well, hurry up! I can hear him coming down the hall.
One more second…
Get out NOW!
Ok. Fine. Finished.
Now, anyone overhearing this conversation may think the wrong thing. And I admit it does sound pretty sketchy. So let me give me you the context:
I had to VPN into my work computer from home and couldn’t get it to work. So I called the IT help desk at my work. I can say without hesitation that EVERY SINGLE TIME I have called the help desk, I get the nicest, most helpful person.
I have been having issues with this for awhile but haven’t really worried about my VPN access until our recent weather. I am considered “essential work personnel” so have to work no matter what. The good thing is that I am authorized to work from home. (As a reminder, last winter when I tried to go to work during inclement weather, my car was totaled).
Earlier in the week, I had put in a help desk ticket because I had tried to remote into the PC in a conference room and it didn’t work. By the time Anthony called me (it was 5:20 pm) and I told him I couldn’t access my PC, he remoted into mine and said someone was already using it. I told him it was me. Then I told him to not judge me. But he checked everything and said it should work.
So I tried it from home. And of course it did not work. Which resulted in my call to James. Bless his heart, he tried to talk me through it over the phone, he really did. And if anyone has every tried to be a help desk to an aging parent you will have the exact image in your head.
James finally asked if he could just remote into my home computer and fix it. Now, here is my dilemma. My husband is a hound about his PC. I even have my own separate sign in with major firewalls and probably a bunch of other shit that will protect his PC. So allowing some “stranger” into his PC would definitely not be a thing he would be agreeable to. (I did ask James if I could trust him not to mess with my PC and hold all my shit for ransom. He told me he was impressed; I was the first person to ever even bring that up). I let James remote into my computer which resulted in the conversation above. There really is a reasonable context for everything.
And in the event my husband reads this, I made up this entire blog.
It is still happening. My husband continues to do all the grocery shopping and I am now officially in withdrawal. It isn’t pretty. I did get a grace period. We needed to go to Walmart and it was Sunday afternoon. My husband refuses to go to any grocery store on Sunday afternoon. Armed with a list and promise to ONLY buy what was on the list, I went to Walmart.
And then texted my husband:
Me: I failed.
Husband: I know.
So we went back to the old way and I got to complain that he bought the cheap ziplock bags and Boca-cat does like a little variety and he can’t just buy the same canned food over and over. Then Boca totally threw me under the bus and eats the same food every day without complaint.
In a moment of rebellion, I went to Walmart. Then I bomb texted my husband pictures of things that I was going to buy. Like this:
I was so good I even sent him a picture of my cart:
I felt bad that it looked so empty. That is just so not me. And it about killed me not to get any of the discounted Valentine’s Day stuff.
It is standard knowledge that it takes 21 days to make or break a habit. It’s day 57 and I am still waiting for it to get a little easier. But I think I am doing fairly well.
It didn’t help to hear my husband comment about how well our finances have been since we started this experiment. My response to that was to get him a Valentine’s Day card from the Dollar Tree. Maybe I’m not taking this as well as I thought.
Well, I probably should call it what it is. My husband’s New Year Resolution to keep me out of the store which will keep me from impulse purchases which will stop me from spending money. Because, damn am I good at spending money. Like, really good. Really, really good.
So we had a discussion and he told me he would do all the grocery shopping from now on. At first I was like, YES! I mean how many people would be thrilled to not ever have to go grocery shopping again? But after a few weeks (two) I started missing my thrice weekly $200 shopping visits.
And my husband has this thing about “THE LIST.” If it isn’t on THE LIST then it doesn’t get purchased. First of all, he doesn’t tell me when he is going to the store to allow me time to put things on the list. Second of all, I am not going to remember the entire name of things. So when I asked for “Jimmy Dean’s Cheese and Egg Croissant” and he didn’t get it because he could only find one with egg, cheese AND sausage, well, I have an issue. And there are just some things that you have to buy name brand. I don’t have time to explain all this to him. Like Kraft Shredded Cheese, Dixie Paper Plates, Campbell’s soup and Sara Lee Bread.
And then we had this text conversation:
Him: Going to Store. Need anything?
Me: Cat Food
Me: Paper Plates
Me: Tyson Dinosaur Chicken Nuggets
Me: Pads WITHOUT Wings
Him: Buffalo Wings?
Me: Always Pads. #1 Without wings
Him: Won’t they sick out of your underwear?
Me: I just don’t like them. Not a conversation I am going to have with you. Buy what I want or I will go and buy them myself.
I was impressed that he got the correct ones.
I am trying to be supportive and agreeable to this plan. The fact that he can do all the grocery shopping once a week and take less than one hour is definitely annoying but I understand the plan. I am also convinced he’ll eventually get tired and we’ll go back to the old way. Isn’t that the way resolutions work?
So I was glad the underdogs won. I heard someone in Vegas bet a million dollars on the Eagles. I’m glad he won. Not that I really care – I only watch for the commercials and the half time show anyway. Danny Devito as an M&M. Pretty funny. My other favorites were the NFL commercial to the Dirty Dancing song and the Verizon Alexa commercial.
The Eagle quarterback certainly earned his pay with this game. Seriously impressed with his football throwing skills. Yeah, Okay, Tom Brady too. It is just that he isn’t new and shiny anymore. (and they lost, remember?)
But I do have a couple of worrisome areas. First of all – what the hell was the Patriot’s coach wearing on the sidelines? Seriously it looked like a lycra spandax blue turtleneck over a Flashdance sweatshirt. If my husband left the house looking like that knowing he was going to be on TV, I would make him march right back in and change his clothes. A hoodie would have looked better. (for the record, he might want to consider his outfit being bad luck and never wear it again. Just a suggestion).
But I’m not done. WTF was Justin Timberlake wearing? A Camo suit with a crappy print shirt? I am just shaking my head not understanding his wardrobe at all. I am sure it is not a reflection of the last time he performed at the Super Bowl – can’t really have a wardrobe malfunction with camouflage, right? Jeans and a black t-shirt would have looked better. Couldn’t Jessica have said something? Anything? Like “Honey, don’t you think a nice pair of jeans and a button down shirt with strips would look good?” I waited and waited thinking that maybe he would bring out all his Back Street Boys but nooooo. Somewhat disappointed. Stage set up was phenomen, though.
We had nachos two ways (Regular with chili and shredded cheese) and Queso Dip made from Velveeto Cheese and Rotel. My husband told me to shred some cheese. I told him I don’t shred cheese; I buy it already shredded. Which meant I got to run to the store and get a Starbucks at the same time. Laziness paid off.
We also had wings. Didn’t care for them too much. My husband made this special brine to soak the wings 24 hours and then slow cooked them in our crock pot and baked them to get them crispy. Next time we’ll skip the brine soak, I think. Or go to Little Caesars. I like their wings. I get them plain and then use Buffalo Wild Wings mild sauce on them.
Good game. Glad I watched most of it. Also had laundry to do. I Tried pitching the kitchen towel into the washer from the doorway. I missed. Guess no ring for me.