LWL Musings #56

I probably should feel guilty because I called off work and took a vacation day.  A whole day to myself!  Until I got this text message from my son:

text lunch

Everyone knows that when I get infinite lives with Best Fiends – it’s going to be awhile before I get up.  Unlike my husband, when I take a day off it isn’t to work on house projects.  My whole agenda includes sleeping in, getting caught up on my recorded shows and binge watching Netflix.

  • This may be a repeat but worth it:  Driving on the highway one day I saw a personalized license plate that  said “KY MAN.”  OMG, I said to my husband. Who would want a license plate with personal lube on it.  Then he told me it meant the state.
  • So we recently had some pretty bad rain and storms.  My husband closely monitored the weather reports and radar and told me I needed to leave for work super early to miss the worse of it.  The next morning he was up at 6 am getting ready and was at his office way before the downfall came. Me?  I woke up, heard the rain and called in late for work.  I swear he is just so over ambitious sometimes.
  • When my son wants something from me and I am in the bedroom, I have learned that I can put him off for almost an hour by telling him I am not dressed.

I am still doing pretty damn good adhering to a grocery list.  Until I had to ask what “Havy” was:

text grocery list

 

 

Happy Valentine’s Day!

What a great idea!  The El Paso Zoo has this great promotion going on where they will name a cockroach after your ex and then feed it to a meerkat. 

“The zoo asked people on Facebook to name a cockroach after their ex. “Message us your ex’s name and we’ll name a cockroach after them!” the Feb. 4 post read.

Three days later, the zoo posted it had received such a great response, it would “spread the love” to more than just its meerkats. Cotton-top tamarins, golden tamarins and white-headed marmosets will also get to chow down on insects on Valentine’s Day.

Finally, on Sunday, the zoo wrote it would have to stop accepting names of exes due to the “overwhelming response” it received for the promotion.

Whoever thought of this exceptional marketing plan deserves an award.

El Paso Bug

 

Working at the Dog Wash

Instead of my usual Valentine’s Day complaint, I am going to switch it up and talk about something somewhat related.  Giving Abbey a bath.  And the reason this is clearly connected to Valentine’s Day is because of the comment my husband recently made:

“You shower with the dog more than you shower with me.”

Abbey gets a tubby because she doesn’t smell as good as my husband.  And you always know when it is time for Abbey to have a bath.  She gets way too comfy in her bed in the living room and the dog aroma is just over powering.

Abbey2

We went through a lot of trouble to get a non-slide suction tub mat which never got used simply because Abbey will have absolutely nothing to do with climbing into a tub.  Any Tub. Nope.  Not going to happen.  You have to pick up her limp body and put her in there.  And she is so miserable. I have no idea what happened in her past life but a tub has somehow left some bad memories.

And then I discovered that all I had to do is open the door to our walk-in shower and she comes bounding in with no problem.  The first time I was not quite prepared but she sure smelled great using my husband’s expensive green tea aromatic cleansing shampoo.  Not wanting to repeat that, we now have dog shampoo permanently in our shower.

I do have to prepare for this:

Abbey bath

Because she absolutely soaks the entire bathroom.  But then she is all done and we don’t have to call her “Stinky Dog” anymore.

Abbey bath2

I can personally attest to the fact that dog shampoo is not that bad.  Because it does look quite a bit like my regular shampoo.

And don’t worry about how I am going to celebrate Valentine’s Day this year.  I was super stoked to find some throw away paper hearts in the trash at work last week.

 

Continued Commuter Complaints

I truly do not mind my 45 to 1.5 hour commute each way to work.  Thinking back, I pretty much have had a long commute for the majority of all my jobs.  What I am feeling is the pure frustration that comes from living in many different states, and knowing what it SHOULD be like when sharing a highway with others.

It probably comes down to driver’s education. To be frank, I am old which means I learned how to drive in high school.  Which I realize was not 100% effective given the fact that I greatly struggle with backing up.  I hear “beep, beep, beep” every time my car is in reverse and even the invention of the back up camera has had little impact.  The major result of this is that my husband was the primary parent to teach both our kids to drive.  And he was good at it.  When both our kids took their state driving exam, the DMV testers asked them where they went to driving school.  And I know it was a pain being in a car with their dad early every Sunday morning at the empty mall parking lot but I can also proudly say that they can both back up a hell of lot better than their mom.

My complaint is that in this state not only is there no high school driving class, but it isn’t even required at all to get a driver’s license. Yep. Just show up and drive a little and get that little card of authority to drive on the highway and piss my ass off.  It is that simple.

Which means they do not understand the left lane rule.  Or believe that as long as they are going 1.2 miles faster than the middle lane, they have every right to camp out in the left lane just to irritate me.   Or even worse — when I do pass them I get to see their bright lights shining in my rear view mirror.  I will see use of a blinker MAYBE 14% of the time (I am being very generous) and during rain I have learned that if I wish to stay alive I will drive 60 mph in the right lane.

And then I came to work and found this:

car slip

The scary part is that there is a steep drop off in my work parking lot.  And I know there was ice that day but how??  On a positive note, despite being a full parking lot, everyone left the two spaces on either side empty for the tow truck.  They were very polite about that.

So I am doomed to my commute. My husband said he is going to purchase a dash camera which is a good idea because if I get in a wreck, it would definitely not be my fault.  But he may need to rethink the audio.  There might be a small problem with cursing.

Calling Triple Tay

I know my daughter called me this morning because she was pissed and upset.  And I tried to be empathic, I really did.  But I just couldn’t get past her first statement:

“Mom! My car got stuck in the snow at the edge of the driveway!”

Now, this definitely brought back some pretty good memories of my shoveling out our long-ass driveway in Ohio when we lived there. Including one of my most favorite memories when she refused to help me shovel so I proceeded to throw all the snow on top of her car in the driveway until it was completely covered in snow. Now, while I personally never got my car stuck in the snow I am sure it is not a nice place to be.

But at the end of your driveway?  Really?

In fairness, Christina did tell me that she didn’t think her car would make it over the snow bank that the street plow had piled up in front of her house.  But of course that doesn’t mean you don’t try, right?  So she got stuck.  In an ironic kind of way her boyfriend is a county worker who actually has to plow the roads so he was of no help to her this morning.  But of course that did not stop her from calling him.  And being the kind of guy that he is, he sent his brother to shovel her out.

Mind you, I am getting this whole story while she is safely ensconced inside her warm house with no need to be inconvenienced or cold. So yeah, I laughed.  And then she did, too.  Because it was funny.

Then she set me off all over again when she told me that she called her boss to tell him she was stuck and would be late to work and he asked her if she had a shovel. Seriously? So Christina answered by saying, “No, I do not have a shovel.”  Because she was damned if she would shovel her car out.  And then she clarified for me: “Mom, I have high heels on.”  Wasn’t going to argue with that.

So Taylor arrived (“Did someone call Triple Tay?”  I thought that was pretty damn funny as well.)

I told Christina she may want to be more proactive in the future which I am sure she translated to mean that she needed to proactively make sure her boyfriend shovels out the driveway before he leaves for work. Or do a plow drive by when he gets to work.  Not exactly what I had in mind but okay.

I don’t live where it snows.  I learned my lesson.

Family Notes

I was driving with my son and called another driver a pussy.  My son immediately told me not to say that.  When I asked why, he said because I am a mom.  So I guess the new rule is that mom’s cannot call others a pussy.  Except this is me. Which means now all I do is call everyone a pussy anytime I am driving with my son.  And I call him a pussy too.  I can’t believe he is surprised by this.  He should know better.

I went with my husband to Walmart.  He stood in front of the “ladies section” and mumbled:  “You can’t buy beer at Walmart but vibrators are okay?”

My daughter’s boyfriend asked her how to clean the bathroom (Yes, I am as impressed as you are).  So she showed him. Took 30 minutes.  Afterwards he said he never knew it took that much work.  It took him 45 minutes to repeat. My daughter gave him a B-.

I cleaned my son’s bathroom (Company was coming, you think I would trust that a 20-something boy would do a good enough job)? I had to call him into the bathroom and ask that he remove the beer can from the shower.  It wasn’t that I was surprised it was there;  it was that it was too high for me reach.

Lately I have been having a hard time knowing if my husband is yelling at my son or the cat.

For Christmas we got Abbey a new second bed for the bedroom.  When we opened it in the middle of the living room, the expression on her face clearly said: “OMG! You are getting another dog, aren’t you?  I am being replaced, I know it. You don’t love me anymore.”  So I immediately had to take it into the bedroom, place it on the floor where she normally sleeps and made her come in to see it.  Then she understood and it was all good.

While riding in the car with me, my son’s lighter fell in-between the car seat and the console.  “Great.” He said.  “I just lost my lighter in the vagina of your car.”

 

Continuation of 2018 Resolution

For those of you who may remember, my 2018 New Year’s Resolution was to curb my spending for the year.  Well, in all honesty it was more my husband’s resolution than mine but I was on board.  I mean, “Hello. My name is Lori and I spend too much at Kroger.”  I’ll admit it.

I asked my husband on a scale of 1 to 10 how he thinks we did on our 2018 resolution.  He told me he would need to review our budget spreadsheets for the year and let me know.  I told him that was cheating and he HAD to just grade it without the research. He wasn’t happy but gave me a 7 out of 10. I was pleasantly surprised.  I didn’t think I did that well.  When I pushed and asked him how much money he thought we saved for the year (and he was more than welcome to consult his spreadsheets for that) he declined. Because he knows me. If he gives me a dollar amount, I am going to interpret that as a wide open invitation to go spend some of it.

One thing that I do not like from this resolution is going to the grocery store with my husband.  He totally ruins it for me.  Everytime.  He has to go by the list.  And if it isn’t on the list, we don’t get it.  Which means I have to take the stupid time to stop and write “ice cream” on the list, get it and then cross it off.  The most recent issue we had was when all the Christmas stuff was on sale (and when I say Christmas stuff I am most certainly referring to candy.  I am still a bit miffed that I didn’t get my box of turtles for Christmas).  Christmas clearance is by the milk.  When I told Michael I would go get the milk, he told me he would and I could go get the cat litter. What?  Seriously?  He just looked at me.  Stalemate. I knew he would win. Because deep down I know he is right.  So in my petulant way I went to the pet aisle and got the most expensive cat litter they had.

But I knew I could do better.  So I offered another step to my resolution.  I would put myself on a weekly cash budget.  And when it was gone, I was done. I was a little scared at how quickly my husband agreed to it.  So then after some discussion, we added a few caveats:

  • My gas tank had to be filled the same day I got my allowance.
  • It would not include beer money (we live in a dry county and I work in a wet one.  Hence I get to do the beer runs on my way home)
  • I was not allowed to get cash back on the card during the week. (Damn. I was sure he wouldn’t think of that!)
  • My allowance had to pay for all my expenses for the week:  Starbucks, work stuff, lunches, gas and items from the grocery store unless they were ON THE LIST in which case my husband would buy them on his weekly grocery trip.
  • If I wanted a mani-pedi, it would come from my allowance. I totally agreed to this one since I rarely get them.
  • Post office expenses would come from my allowance. I did not like this one.  It was enough of a chore just to go to the post office, much less have to use my money for it!

So we are going to continue our New Year’s Resolution for 2019.  Effective Monday, January 7th.  Which gives me time to run to Kroger to get a Starbucks and then shop the Christmas clearance.