Quotes

Cartoon
 Obama Quote
From Republican National Committee chairman Reince Priebus: “I tend to put stupid opinions in the stupid bucket.”
Time Magazine (May 16, 2016) page 17
Quote
I’d like to show that I can get publicity without using my ass or getting fired from a picture – Marilyn Monroe. (From an interview with Lawrence Schiller in 1960  – Vanity Fair magazine)
Leonard Nimoy
“A life is like a garden. Perfect moments can be had, but not preserved, except in memory. LLAP.”
Leonard Nimoy’s final tweet, ending with his valediction from “Star Trek”: Live Long and Prosper. The much-loved actor passed away on February 27, aged 83.
I believe it was Bob Marley who said, “You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.”

 

Judge Judy Quotes: (I would love to have Judge Judy as a friend. She is so smart and witty.  Whether you agree with her or not. She is definitely entertaining)

“Um” is not an answer! What kind of training did you need to “um”? (And those who watch her show also know that “basically and like” are two other words that annoy the hell out of her).
If I could fine you for being stupid, I would fine you for being stupid.
Beauty fades, but dumb is forever.

 

Betty White Quotes:

ON HER CULINARY SKILLS

“I’m not a big cook. I only go in the kitchen to feed my dog.”
— From a 2014 column in Bon Appetit

ON HOW SHE STAYS HEALTHY

“I’m a health nut. My favorite food is hot dogs with French fries. And my exercise: I have a two-story house and a very bad memory, so I’m up and down those stairs.”
— From a 2012 interview with The New York Times

Robin Williams Quotes:

That guy is one taco short of a combination platter.

What do you think of Roe vs. Wade?  I’d rather float.

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Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree.

That makes it a plant.

Chocolate is Salad.

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“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.”

 Rita Rudner, comedian

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Ron Swanson Quotes

 There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that’s lying about being milk.

Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.

 Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.

Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.

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From Nina Garcia on Project Runway:

“It looks like she has a foaming vagina.”

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Three Bon Mots My Buddy Dan Uttered This Morning

[Note:  I am not sure of their originality.]
1)  “He was such a boring presenter that when he put people to sleep, their dreams were so boring they couldn’t even stay asleep.”
2)  “I wonder if, when Jesus was a kid, he would get angry at Joseph and yell, ‘You’re not my real dad!’”
3)  “Cigarette companies should just put this on their products as warnings:  ‘We don’t give a fuck; do you?’”
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From The Advice Goddess by Amy Alkon  (Dated Sept 2nd, 2012):

“Unfortunately, on the alpha male scale, you’re pretty much Hello Kitty.”

Quote by John Cusack, Actor

Sometimes I’m think I’m in control, but more and more I realize that it’s just a complete farce. It used to be that if you did a big, big movie then you could leverage it and make some smaller, cooler ones. And I got away with that for a few years. But now they just want you to put on tights. If you don’t put on the tights they just want to get rid of you. And I’m not putting on the tights. So you know…

Sign outside of a plant nursery:

We are so excited that it is Spring
We wet our plants!
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I’m only posting this because I like the term “Rock Snot.”  There is also a technical term but nothing sounds better than Rock Snot.  (This is just one sentence from the article; I won’t bore you with the rest).

‘Rock snot’ invades fish hatchery

By WILSON RING
Associated Press
updated 11/10/2011 6:39:21 PM ET 2011-11-10T23:39:21

A separate decision about whether those fish can be safely released without spreading rock snot, or whether they will have to be disposed of, is expected later this month.

Top Ten Worst Halloween ‘Candies’

Posted by Erin Zimmer, October 14, 2008

  1. Toothbrushes
  2. Raisins -Using an empty box as a kazoo, though, is kinda fun.
  3. Candy Corn: The fruitcake of Halloween; it just never goes away.
  4. Smarties and Necco Wafers
  5. Dum Dum Lollipops
  6. Apples
  7. Tootsie Rolls – The mini brown tubes are not real chocolate. They taste like watered-down chocolate.
  8. Miscellaneous, Wrapped Hard Candies
  9. Laffy Taffy
  10. Anything Fun-Sized – Since when is one bite fun?!

But the best part to me are the comments posted afterwards:

I would like to give out those gold wrapped bouillon cubes. They look like neat candy, but can you imagine noshing into one?  My nephew gave out canned olives, hush puppy mix and other things from his pantry one year. The kids were not impressed, but they still remember it several years later.  (bookwormchef)

Someone handed out Jesus pamphlets to us every year when I was a kid. Now THAT’S a sin. (lawofmurphy)

My neighborhood was full of kids and often households ran out of candy. When one household finished handing out candy only halfway through my friends I was the lucky recipient of an instant packet of cream of wheat. That was disappointing. (JessinDC)

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What is this lumping Smarties in with Necco wafers? One is awesome, the other repulsive. The more Smarties, the better, is my halloween motto. (Matcha)

those generic black and orange waxed paper peanut things. eeeeew!
circus peanuts. i have never put one in my mouth that i can recall.
bit o honey. wtf is the point of those?
Ever tried putting a circus peanut in the microwave? It’s awesome! the only thing they’re good for. (beth1)

Maybe it’s just me, but when you run out of candy you should just shut your door. You shouldn’t look at it as an excuse to clean out your pantry.
“What’d you get?”
“A can of Beanie Weenies and a little box of Raisin Bran. You?”
“Seven unshelled hazelnuts and three Kraft Singles.”
Score. (DCraver)

The fun sized candy bars were always a winner in my book. I have never gotten a regular sized candy bar! What neighborhoods were you trick or treating in? Geez. (LHSK12)

I once gave out candy and packets of flower seed. One kid was excited to get the seeds and showed his mom. She said “that’s nice dear, we can plant them on Uncle Kenny’s grave.” (pepperjunkie)

I had no idea so many bad things were given out as Halloween treats… Hmm… Candy cigarettes you say? I can see it now: Parents come to the door with the kids, I answer dressed in a bear outfit topped with a Park Ranger hat, and with a lit stogie hanging out of my mouth- Me: “Here ya go, kiddo, don’t smoke ’em all at once!” Parent: “Did you just give my child a pack of candy cigarettes?” Me: “No, actually those were Marlboro Ultra Lights- I ran out of full flavors. Careful with those matches kids, don’t play with fire!” (mbcooksnashvegas)

The Jesus pamphlets really cracked me up. We live in the Bible belt. One year, someone handed out play money with a picture of Jesus on it. My son was 3 or 4 at the time. When he pulled it out of his candy pile, he said, “Look, God money!” (lisapeden)

Great Answers from Ask Amy Advice Column:

 If he is not open to talking about this, or if he thinks the unhealthy dynamic is your fault and your sole responsibility, then you should probably get out your wheelie bag. Start with the shoes. They’re bulky.  (Ask Amy 3-13-11)

 To this day, your boyfriend shows you that his words are suspect anytime he says anything weightier than “pass the Cheerios.”  For some, a wake-up call is a gentle nudge or the delicate tinkle of a fine watch; others need to be bludgeoned over the head with an alarm clock. In case you’re wondering, you’re in the sound sleepers group. (Ask Amy 9-30-11)

Texting a girl the day after a date (even just “great time, call u soon”) says a guy’s interested. Texting two weeks later says he’s explored every other option, including hookers and suicide, and settled for her.  (Ask Amy 9-6-11)

Two inches is the male version of a padded bra. Five is taking a woman’s bra off and finding it filled with socks. For many women, any height-faking is an automatic dealbreaker.  (Ask Amy 9-6-11)

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From the top 25 Horror Movie Rule book:
“As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.”
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My kids loved Dr Seuss growing up.  My son especially – his favorite book was The Cat In The Hat Comes Back  (The sequel).
I have even channeled Dr Seuss one Christmas to give everyone an update when we were building our second house in Kentucky:

Using Dr Seuss language, it’s like this…

No, we do not have a house
Not even ready for a mouse.
We have no porch, no lights, no fan
But they are using blue paint cans.

No lawn, no toilet, not even a sink
We won’t call Bob the Builder a dink.
Hopefully soon they will be done.
Maybe by December one.

In the meantime, off we go
down 64 to Home Depot.
We know that one day we’ll be done
Once the permits are all hung.

But just right now we wait and mope
Each day goes by and still we hope.
I’ll let you know when the big day comes
Moving day will such fun!

Original Dr Seuss Quotes:

“I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I’ve bought a big bat. I’m all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!”
Dr. Seuss
“Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.”
Dr. Seuss
“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who’ll decide where to go…”
Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You’ll Go!

One of my favorite movies is Steel Magnolias.  There are so many great one liners and dialogue – very well written script.  If you haven’t seen it, you should.  Here are few of my favorites:

Annelle: Miss Truvy, I promise that my personal tragedy will not interfere with my ability to do good hair.

Clairee Belcher: The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.

Truvy: Louie brought his new girlfriend over, and the nicest thing I can say about her is all her tattoos are spelled correctly.

Ouiser Boudreaux: This is football. All the people wanna hear about are touchdowns and injuries. They don’t give a damn ’bout that grape shit.

Drum: Ouiser you look like hammered shit.
Ouiser Boudreaux: Don’t you talk to me like that!
Drum: Oh,I’m sorry you look like regular shit.

Truvy: Honey, time marches on and eventually you realize it is marchin’ across your face.

Drum: Ouiser, can we call a truce long enough for me to get a piece of cake?
[Ouiser slices him the tail piece of an armadillo cake]
Drum: Aww, thanks Ouiser. Nothin’ like a good piece of ass.

Clairee Belcher: I love ya more than my luggage.

 

Every time a child says “I don’t believe in fairies,” there is a little fairy somewhere that falls down dead.
– – – – James Matthew Barrie

Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective. 
– P. J. O’Rourke

From a New York Times editorial published on February 21, 2006 on laboratory testing of rats and aspartame:   The Food and Drug Administration has asked the Italian researchers for a detailed rat-by-rat report, not just the overall results made available so far.

I do not like broccoli and I haven’t liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. Now I’m President of the United States and I’m not going to eat any more broccoli.
–George Bush

DEAR ABBY: I’m guessing the country folk are having fun with him. I have a master’s degree in English and can quote Milton and Yeats. But around snobs like this, I’d go all “Jed Clampett” so fast he’d think he’s been slogwalloped by a she-critter without no young-uns. — BRIAN IN NORTH CAROLINA

If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.   (Judith Manners of Miss Manners)

“First of all, let’s get one thing straight. Crack is cheap. I make too much money to ever smoke crack. Let’s get that straight. OK? We don’t do crack. We don’t do that. Crack is whack.”      (Whitney Houston)

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