Below, we present 40 of the funniest and most relatable marriage tweets of 2017. (From Huffpost, Dec 19, 2017)
- I’m secretly doing an investigation on how many decorative pillows I can put around the house till husband loses his shit.
- wife [on phone] Did you preheat the oven like I asked?
wife: What temperature?
wife: That’s the clock
- [commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
- WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
- I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
- Wife: How many times have I told you NOT to use my face moisturizer as body lotion?
Me: *skin absolutely glowing* is this a trick question?
- Don’t marry someone before you see them step on a Lego.
- RSVPing to Christmas party*Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate? Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT!
- Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*Me: Sweetie, you need to share. Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
- Establish dominance in your household by staring at your husband while you unplug his phone from the charger and plug in your own.
- Still waiting for my husband to apologize for what he did in my dream last night.
- Marry your true love so you can always wake up together and say, “Breathe the other way”.
- “You see, when a man loves a woman very, very much, he makes her coffee,” I explain to my kids while looking at my husband.
- Hubs, “Are you going to drink that entire bottle of wine?”Me, “You didn’t marry no quitter.”Hubs, nodding, “My Queen.”
- I love my husband, but no matter where we are I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens he gets murdered first.
- wife: I told you not to wear it in the shower me [holding a soggy Burger King crown] I don’t need a lecture right now
- Tell me how tired you are so I can upstage you and tell you how much more tired I am.
- *walking into store*Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
- Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
- Watching out the window for husband to get home with my wine & this is the adult version of waiting for the ice cream truck
- Wife: *trying to open a can of tuna* Our can opener is broken.Me: So it’s a can’t opener?Wife: I can’t believe I married you
- Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
- Husband: *choking on a curly fry*Me: *starts panicking* Oh god, oh my GOD! Did you seriously take my last curly fry?!
- The secret to a lasting marriage is knowing no one else would put up with your bullshit.
- I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
- My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
- me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
- Only marriage can turn a missing spatula into an act of war.
- Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
- When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
- I’m secretly doing an investigation on how many decorative pillows I can put around the house till husband loses his shit.
Tips for Northerners Moving to the South
1. Save All Manner of Bacon Grease: You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. If you forget a Southerner’s name, refer to him (or her) as “Bubba.” You have a 75% chance of being right.
3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean the natives can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5. Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6. Do not buy food at the movie store.
7. If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth cooking, let alone eating.
8. Remember: “Y’all” is singular. “All y’all” is plural. “All y’all’s” is plural possessive.
9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent.
10. Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?”
11. People walk slower here.
12. Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you either.
13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective “Big ol'”, as in “big ol’ truck” or “big ol’ boy.” Eighty-five percent begin their new Southern- influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
15. Be advised: The “He needed killin'” defense is valid here.
16. If attending a funeral, remember, Southerners stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
8. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car’s windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
21. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you’re supposed to do.
22. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
23. Tornadoes and Southern divorces have a lot in common. Either way, someone is going to lose a trailer.
24. Florida is not considered a Southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
25. In Southern churches you will hear the hymn, “All Glory, Laud and Honor.” You will also hear expressions such as, “Laud, have mercy,” “Good Laud,” and “Laudy, Laudy, Laudy.”
26. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a vehicle known as a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for such a vehicle.
27. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you’re better off trying to find it yourself.
Remember… it takes a college degree to fly an airplane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a ‘gripe sheet,’ which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last…
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t, at least, kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.
13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
24. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Dec 25, 2010
Employee Christmas Party MEMO
|Christmas PartyDecember 1…To All EmployeesI’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will be held on December 23rd at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band will play traditional carols…feel free to sing-along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree.Exchanging gifts among employees can be done at this time. Please remember to keep gifts to the agreed $10 limit.
Merry Christmas to you and yours,
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
December 2…To All Employees
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish
Happy holidays to you and yours.
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
December 3…To All Employees
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I’m happy to accommodate your request but please remember that if I put a sign on the table that reads “AA Only” you won’t be anonymous any more.
In addition, we’ll no longer be having a gift exchange because union members feel that $10 is too much money.
Patti Lewis, Human Resources Director
December 7…To All Employees
I have arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest away from the dessert table and for pregnant members to sit closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gays; each group will have its own table. And, yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men’s table.
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
December 9…To All Employees
People! People! Nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus. Even if the anagram for “Santa” does happen to be “Satan.” There is no evil connation to our own little “man in a red suit.”
Patti Lewis, Human Resources Director
December 10…To All Employees
Vegetarians! I’ve had it with you people. We’re holding this party at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not. You can just sit at the table farthest from the “Grill of Death” as you call it, and you’ll get salad bar only including hydroponics tomatoes. Tomatoes have feelings too, you know. They scream when you slice them. I can hear them now. I hope you have a rotten holiday. Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
The Bitch from Hell
December 14…To All Employees
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I’ll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime management has decided to cancel the Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
Don’t delete this because it looks weird. Believe it or not you can read it.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch taem at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Such a cdonition is arppoiately cllaed Typoglycemia :)-
Amzanig huh? Yaeh and yuo awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt.
One day an old German shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, ‘Oh, oh! I’m in deep doo-doo now!’ Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, ‘Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder if there are any more around here?’
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. ‘Whew!’ says the panther, ‘That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!’
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, ‘Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, ‘What am I going to do now?’, but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says… ‘Where’s that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!”
Moral of this story …
Don’t mess with the old dogs…. BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
go to the ends of the earth for her….
Show up naked.
A nursery school pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead.
“How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked her pupil.
“Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently.
“You did WHAT?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
“You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst’ and it didn’t move”
Kids as Pets
THE CAT YEARS
I just realized that while children are dogs – loyal and affectionate –
teenagers are cats. It’s so easy to be a dog owner. You feed it,
train it, boss it around. It puts it’s head on your knee and gazes
at you as if you were a Rembrandt painting. It bounds indoors
with enthusiasm when you call it.
Then around age 13, your adoring little puppy turns into a big old
cat. When you tell it to come inside, it looks amazed, as if
wondering who died and made you emperor. Instead of dogging
your doorsteps, it disappears. You won’t see it again until it gets
hungry — then it pauses on its sprint through the kitchen long
enough to turn its nose up at whatever you’re serving. When you
reach out to ruffle its head, in that old affectionate gesture, it
twists away from you, and then gives you a blank stare, as if trying
to remember where it has seen you before.
You, not realizing that the dog is now a cat, think something
must be desperately wrong with it. It seems so antisocial, so
distant, sort of depressed. It won’t go on family outings.
Since you’re the one who raised it, taught it to fetch and stay
and sit on command, you assume that you did something
wrong. Flooded with guilt and fear, you redouble your efforts
to make your pet behave.
Only now you’re dealing with a cat, so everything that worked
before now produces the opposite of the desired result. Call it,
and it runs away. Tell it to sit, and it jumps on the counter.
The more you go toward it, wringing your hands, the more it
Instead of continuing to act like a dog owner, you can learn to
behave like a cat owner. Put a dish of food near the door, and
let it come to you. But remember that a cat needs your help
and your affection too. Sit still and it will come, seeking that
warm, comforting lap it has not entirely forgotten. Be there to
open the door for it.
One day your grown-up child will walk into the kitchen, give you
a big kiss and say, “You’ve been on your feet all day. Let me
get those dishes for you.”
Then you’ll realize your cat is a dog again.
Couple of Jokes
What do you get when you cross Chewbacca with clay?
Answer: Harry Potter
What did Tennessee?
The same thing Arkansas.
What did Delaware?
Her New Jersey.
Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then decides to take their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, “If I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”
The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”
The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.”
Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word, comfortable.”
The telegraph operator shakes his head. “How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you just write, comfortable?”
The brunette explains, “My sister’s a blonde. She’ll read it slowly.”
Women are from Earth, Men are from Skylon4
The following was posted on a forum called Query Tracker.
Here’s a prime example of “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” offered by an English professor from the University of Colorado for an actual class assignment:
The professor told his class one day: Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right.
- As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me.
- The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me.
- The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth.
- Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent.
- There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail.
- The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.
The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary.
(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted.
The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
(second paragraph by Gary )
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.
‘ A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,’ he said into his transgalactic communicator.
‘ Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far…’ But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.
‘Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,’ Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneous excited her and bored her.
She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her.
‘Why must one lose one’s innocence to become a woman?’ she pondered wistfully.
( Gary )
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu’udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu’udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam , felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
( Gary )
Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
‘Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F–KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I’m such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!’
F**K YOU – YOU NEANDERTHAL!!
In your dreams, Ho. Go drink some tea.
A+ – I really liked this one