Dear God, Please forgive me for my morning commute. I am sorry that I cursed and screamed inside my car the entire way to work. I pray that You will be able to help all the obviously driving impaired people on today’s roads.
Please help Mr. Stupid in the blue truck realize that a yellow caution sign does not mean stop completely. And dainty lady in the white car needs to work on her highway merge skills. Which means you GO FAST to merge; not go, slow, check for cars; go and slow, check for cars.
And please forgive me for yelling “WTF!” in exasperation when the vehicle in the left lane effectively boxed me in on purpose behind the construction truck. And left me there to rant and rave as he maintained the same speed for over 4 miles.
I honestly swear that I did not see the black SUV in my blind spot when I erratically changed lanes on the highway. And I did look. I am so in awe of Your powers to magically have cars appear like that. Even more so that You keep them safe. I even appreciate the small token of the wussy horn that the SUV shared with me.
Forgive them, Lord, for not knowing that the posted “45 MPH” speed signs are a suggestion; not an absolute. And I truly did not know that the little girl was just learning how to drive when I tailgated her for driving too slow on the two lane road.
And finally, Lord. I have to ask for Your assistance in keeping all the other drivers safely away from me and we’ll all be fine.
My Family Oscar Awards
If my family had an annual Oscar Night Show, the following awards would be presented:
And the award goes to my husband, Michael:
- Loudest use of surround sound in the smallest living room ever. (Even the cat is freaked out)
- Largest number of remote controls to manage all the various electrical pieces of equipment relating to the TV, DVD, Cable box and other sundry technical devices. And the lack of needed training to understand which remote goes to which piece of equipment when all I want to do is watch “Big Bang Theory.” (And it doesn’t necessarily have to be in surround sound).
- Best car backer up without ever hitting anything.
And the award goes to me:
- Worst memory of family history so everything is always new and I never really learn any important lessons. Except the ones that were associated with pain; I do remember those.
- Turning every dog I own into an instant sleep machine. (I don’t know if dog’s really need 12 hours of sleep on the weekends, but mine simply will not get out of bed until I do).
- Worst car backer up – without ever hitting anything. (And driving on the lawn does not count)
And the award goes to my daughter, Christina:
- Best sharer of U-Tube videos that are incredibly funny (see link here).
- Best whiner about having to drive in inclement weather. And usually wins the argument to drive my all wheel vehicle instead of her car. Or calls in to work so she doesn’t have to drive at all.
- Worst ever dog trainer. Ever. Christina did acknowledge that she has learned from her mistakes and will do better once she has kids.
And the award goes to my son, Michael:
- Best imaginative chef award. While the creative recipe is usually not that great, we definitely appreciate the effort. (If he would only channel that into making Hamburger Helper once a week, I would be in heaven).
- Best stealer of family technology – When we get the notice that we have used up 95% of our data plan, he immediately gets cut off. Always.
- Worse car backer up – who has caused actual damage to my rear bumper.
- Our front door wreath. Here is the problem. We do have a very beautiful artificial green Christmas wreath with a shiny red bow on it. The problem is that the door hanger on the front door wasn’t strong enough to hold it. Last holiday season, every time my son shut the front door, the wreath fell off and would end up on the porch. This new, improved, lightweight wreath can withstand my son’s slamming of the front door. I know this because I tried it numerous times by soundly slamming the door shut and it did not fall off once. But my husband thinks it looks tacky. My daughter and I like it; my son has no vote so I win and this is now our official front door Christmas wreath.
2. I wish my husband would just get over my driving:
HIM: You are driving too close – you are supposed to be one car length away for every 10 mph.
ME: I am far enough behind.
HIM: You are too close. You are going to back-end a car one of these days and I am going to tell you I told you so.
ME: So tell me then (This has not happened in my entire driving career and I seriously doubt it will happen anytime soon. Besides, usually the car in front of me will pull over to the side and let me pass. They are weenies).
3. I was ready to pounce on my husband for turning off my electric blanket on Saturday. I woke up cold and knew I had my blanket turned to setting #4 for the entire night. Then he told me the blanket had an automatic turn off feature after 10 hours and I felt kind of bad.
Then again, I was taking a nap on the futon in the office and my husband wanted to get on his computer. So he strolled in, unplugged my heated throw from the wall and kicked me out. He also ignored my complaints as I stomped off with my heated throw and plugged it into the living room outlet to finish my nap on the couch.
4. My husband sent me a link to a shed along with the note: “What do you think?”
I answered: “It’s brown.”
He said: “And…?”
My response: “Nothing else; it’s brown.”