Tag Archives: GPS

How to Improve Your Marriage During a 1,000 Mile Car Trip

My husband and I recently had the pleasure of taking a 15-hour cross country road trip together. Well, maybe using the word pleasure is a bit strong.  I mean, it always starts out so well doesn’t it?

We had really planned on driving most of Saturday night. In fact, when we started, our GPS said we would arrive home at 9:50 am Sunday if we drove straight through.  We both knew that wasn’t going to happen.  But we did think we could drive until about 2 am.  So we would at least get more than halfway home.  Yeah, didn’t happen.  Didn’t even make it to midnight. Because we are too damn old and can afford hotel rooms.

Day two was the majority of our driving.  Like 1,000 miles worth. Our car conversations were like this:

  • Slow down. (This was directed to me and if I want to be completely honest, go ahead and multiply it by about 12 times).
  • Do you have to pee? When my husband automatically pulled off into the next gas station, I clarified that I didn’t have to pee; was just asking if he had to pee.
  • I changed his name to Mr. Line Leader. No explanation needed.
  • When he was washing the windshield, he missed some bug guts on my side of the window. Next time I guess I shouldn’t point it out to him from inside the car.
  • He told me to quit taking pictures. Like this one:

Pig wig

There was only ONE Starbucks for 900 miles.  I think this should have been a sign. Because I really, really wanted Wendy’s for lunch.  Something that I absolutely told my husband as we left the hotel that morning.

And then we turned onto Hwy 22.  Now I truly believe that the GPS should have warned us by saying something like “Hwy 22 will suck weenies.  Be prepared to see nothing for the next 567 miles.” You know, like they do when there is a traffic accident on your route causing delays. That way you would know in advance to find a fast food place – like Wendy’s – BEFORE you commit to the Hwy of Nothing.

I was good for a little bit.  We got to listen to the Top 40 from May of 1983 – at least until the radio signal died because we were IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE.   And I probably shouldn’t have commented that the reason Casey Kasem never counted down the top 70’s songs was because they all sucked.

But I was hungry and soon tired of playing with my heated seat and all the fancy electric seat buttons.  The sunroof was too loud and my husband wouldn’t let me turn the volume on my mobile game (what good are bombs if they don’t go boom?) and by that time, he wouldn’t even play a car game with me (my game, my rules) and this trip just went on and on and on and on.

Oh yeah.  The title of my blog?  I have no idea.  My husband quit talking to me in Mississippi.

If only my GPS could talk

If my GPS could talk, this is what it would say:

Go ahead, plug in your address because I know you are only going to use it to find out what time you will get there and if you have to hurry or not.  And then you’ll just turn me off.

Wait that is the second Starbucks we passed.  Are you feeling okay?

I know you do not think it is funny when I add 10, 15 or 20 additional minutes to your driving time due to construction or traffic.  But I think it is funny as hell because you keep arguing with me.

You know, the reason the MPH is in red is because you are speeding.  Still red. Yep still red. Pretty red. Not changing color…

You really do not need to ride the car’s ass in front of you in the left lane.  They obviously are not going to move over to the slow lane.  Shall I recommend that you start froggin’?

It’s not funny to put in a made up address in Canada or Hawaii.  You know I still have to calculate that shit.

It’s not my fault I have a database that keeps all your car speed history.  It’s your fault you let your husband look.

For the life of me, why do I give you directions and you totally ignore me?

I need a little more information than “Dawn’s House.”

I don’t appreciate you making up new destination names like “Your mama’s house” and “Disneyland” I still have to announce it you know.  (Although I totally get that you want to pull into your driveway and hear “Arriving at Disneyland”).




Life Lessons Not Learned

My son was at a friend’s house and texted me to come pick him up.  I was already out and about running errands and wasn’t driving the car with the GPS in it (nor do I use it on my cell).

MPJ:   Here is the address for the GPS

Me:      I don’t have the GPS, give me directions

MPJ:  WTH?  Why don’t you have the GPS?

Me:      Wrong car.  Just give me directions

MPJ:   Mom! That is ridiculous!  Use your cell phone

Me:      No, just give me the damn directions or walk home

MPJ:   I only know the address.  Not the streets!

Me:      Ask your friend – I am sure they can give directions.

MPJ:   No they can’t!  Can you go home and get the GPS?

I did not go home for the GPS.  And we did finally manage to find each other but my son did have to walk a few blocks until I found him.

For another example, my daughter visited a girlfriend’s house when she was in high school.  The mother of her girlfriend gave her a hunk of cheese and asked her to shred it for pizza.  My daughter had absolutely no idea how to do this; stating her mom (me) always bought cheese already shredded.  Her girlfriend’s mom was obviously pissy about the whole thing.

Obviously I have completely missed some opportunities to teach life lessons to my children.  Especially in the use of non-technology supported directional wayfinding.  Or how to shred cheese with a grater.